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Review Requests: ON
1,098 Public Reviews Given
1,126 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a pretty good little poem, something I can relate to, and I am sure my son can as well. Dinosaurs everywhere!

However, WDC is about helping writers, so, in that vein:

The rhythm is inconsistent. You use some rhymes and no rhymes elsewhere. While the rhymes might be accidental, they should not be there if the piece is not a rhyming piece. But, reading this out loud, it does not have an easy rhythm where something like this needs almost a sing-song style. A line like "A mosasaur bathes in my bath" feels awkward to say. It is not going to take much to tweak it. Get some-one else to read it out loud to you, over and over, and you'll hear how it could work better to your ear.

Still, a strong piece. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
427
427
Review of The Present  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

This is a piece that was going along so nicely, and then it hit you with the stomach thump in that last line.

I saw it as a person being self-absorbed and doing the right thing for themselves getting their rather sad come-uppance; but that is how this reader read it.

Now, WDC is about helping other writers. Now, in that vein, I don't review things I don't like and I thought this was great.

However, it does bog down in the middle a little. Could maybe be tightened up a little.

And technically I found only one mistake - the punctuation at the end. ("...informed me." should be "...informed me:" which indicates that there is a continuation of this idea, while still keeping that last line separated.)

Look, this was great. I think you could probably sell this with a little bit of tweaking.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
428
428
Review of Triggers  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This has a nice, creepy tone, the universal need for escape, but upped by the situation of the protagonist. Some good turns of phrase and some nice inner thinking portrayed.

However, WDC is about helping writers, and with that in mind:

* You do not maintain a consistent verb tense throughout. Past to present, sometimes in the space of a sentence. I think to keep the tension, go for all present tense (apart from her memories, of course). As it is, it did draw me out at times.
* The church stuff was pertinent, but instead of being an info dump at the end, the info would be better drip-fed into the story at various places throughout.
* "Same for my brother, if they were his." Sorry, this did not make sense.
* There are a few missing pieces of punctuation, some spelling issues and, like I said, verb tenses. However, paragraph separation was spot-on.

This has the makings of a nice, creepy tale, one that could be sold to an anthology. Tighten up the writing fundamentals and I think this is very saleable.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
429
429
Review of I Never Knew You  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
While this is an interesting essay, and the format is well set out, I feel I should mention two things.

First, the generalisations used are off the mark.

You are right in saying God does not need to be defended by people, but Christians are also in mind of 1Peter3:15 and 2Corinthians10:5, where defending the faith is an important ideal.
And most Atheists do not see Christians as "evil". What they object to is having some-one else's religion forced down their throat by legislators. If your country was to adopt Islamic Sharia law, Christians would also object.

Second, Reddit's Atheism community is comparatively small and not representative of the majority. That would be like tarring all Christians with the brush of Papist Catholicism or Pentecostal Fundamentalist Belief.

While I appreciate the arguments you have made, and the essay format, using generalisations - even if you acknowledge them as such - does diminish the power of what you are writing. Acknowledging a debating shortcoming does not remove said shortcoming from the debate.

On a technical side, the essay was well structured, although the poem did draw me out. I understand why it was there, but it did not fit in with the timbre of the rest of the argument.

There is the basis here of a really strong, full-blown essay, the sort of 6-10k word piece that some of the more literate online magazines would eat up. If you are that way inclined, I'd expand on it, make sure the 'strawman' arguments you mention are removed, add a bit about Dawkins, and go full-on to show both sides of the argument. It is rarely done, and if done well, could be saleable.

Also, watch capital letter usage. It needs to be more in line with standard conventions, especially if you'd like to submit it somewhere.

Reading through this, it sounds negative. Well, I actually only review things at WDC I like. I will not review something I think is not worth it. This is worth it.

Good luck!
430
430
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am not sure why you wanted me to review this - I am not that good a poet, and rarely read much poetry.

The thematic intent is sound, with some nice imagery. The 3rd verse, especially, has some nice, stark metaphorical use of language.

Where it lost me was its rhythm. Now, the fact that you used rhyme says to me there needs to be a constant rhythm so the rhymes can flow one into the other without jarring. The first three stanzas have inconsistent syllable counts, which makes the poem - when read out loud - sound discordant. An 8/9 syllable count feels like it would work well for these 3 verses.

The final verse is very inconsistent, but it feels like a separate piece. If it did not have rhyming through it, then it might work, but a rhyme automatically makes some-one want to put a rhythm to it, and the syllable count does not work.

This might not be an issue if there were no rhymes, but the natural instinct when reading this, especially out loud, is to try to put it to a steady beat.

As I am not sure what you want from this poem, I have to take it as I see it, and I feel it needs more work on syllable usage. You use some nice language and have some great ideas, but I feel it needs tightening in rhythm.

Sorry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
431
431
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
You asked for a review.

Technically, it is as close to perfect as it is possible to be, I think, considering the limits of the online process.

Story-wise, it is well-written, with a flowing style.

However, some of the religious speechifying in the middle by Beazley felt a lot like a diatribe and pulled me out of the story. The concept of offering Adam some sort of hope for revenge was lost in the philosophy and history. And the ending felt too convenient. While I understand the limits of the short story format, I think a little less could have been made of the religious explanation and the ending could have been extended to show (as opposed to telling) the transformation that came over him, or at least his way of being the person he was.

I did like the fact that this Adam character was not going to really change his attitude, just the way he went about things - there is no redemption, not really - which is something different and not done anywhere near enough in horror/fantasy.

Overall, however, I did like the story on the whole.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
432
432
Review of World's Fate  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Okay...

You requested I review this, and I am not 100% sure why. I would not normally have reviewed this item.

The story arc is interesting, and the idea of an unnatural force keeping planets from colliding, and it being a lie is a really intriguing concept. Focusing on one character ups the ante in the stakes, so well done there. The idea is not often used in sci-fi, so good work.

Now, WDC is about helping writers improve. In that regard, please take what I am about to say constructively.

General comments:
* Watch capital letter usage; there are a lot of misuses here.
* Watch tenses; you have too many tense shifts.
* Watch punctuation usage; a number are misused or even missing.
* There is a lot of "tell" instead of "show".
These are your basic tools; you need to get them right. Many editors will not care how original the idea is if the tools are not perfected.

Now, the following are from the notes I made as I was reading the piece:
* Amalgamate is the verb, you mean amalgam (the noun).
* 2 worlds cast "their shadows", not "its shadow".
* "Sole" should be "soles" when talking about more than one person.
* Did you mean "Big Whig", leader of a 19th century British political party, or "Big Wig", boss?
* The conversation between William and Naomi had continuity issues: Did he know this fight was going to happen? Did she? They seem to have prepared for it, but that is not how this reads up to this point.
* The physical descriptions of skin, eyes and clothes do not add anything except word count - not needed.
* "Stay off the war" should be "stave off the war".
* The word 'Scoundrels' feels like an anachronism.
* Sister? Seriously? It adds an unnecessary complication, especially when introduced so late in the piece. Just the fact William knows her as the boss and some-one he's worked closely with should be more than enough for a short story.


Now, please do not take this wrong. There is such a great idea here, it just needs a few extra drafts to get through the issues.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
433
433
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well-structured essay, following all the conventions of the essay form. Not seen often enough here at WDC, I feel. Good use of paragraphing, punctuation was fine, and although some typo words slipped through (Quiet for quite, for example), technically the piece was quite good.

However, WDC is about helping one another. I only review things I like as well, for what it's worth. In that respect:

While this is an interesting history lesson, and the stuff about Bell always amazed me, I feel your opening and closing paragraphs are not supported by the rest of the essay. The opening gambit of "It goes without saying that... the Internet... will change the world to the better..." does not hold water, and is not supported. I feel it has not changed the world for the better.

The closing statement of the Internet being "the single most important creation in the 20th century" is also dubious.

The issue beyond these being blanket statements is that they do not fit the tone of the rest of the essay, which is a really good history overview.

Again, these are the thoughts of one reviewer. Feel free to ignore.(4 stars.)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
434
434
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What an interesting haiku cycle. I like the feelings conveyed and the way you capture the feelings of being on a ferris wheel until that last vomitous ending...

However, WDC is about helping each other, and so...

Stanza 2, line 2: Nau-se-a-lives-on-this-darn-ride is 8 syllables. It's the only time you missed the pattern, but it does stand out.

It also feels like Stanza 3 should be before Stanza 2; St3 feels like "let's have a ride" and St2 feels like "we're on, don't rock the boat".

Still, it is a really good poem. I only review works I like, and I did enjoy this one. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
435
435
Review of LIGHT  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Okay, to start with I only review pieces I like.
This tale of a precognitive dream is well done. I like the set-up and the main character is sympathetic. I also really like the way you don't overdo the ending. Well done.

However, WDC is all about helping writers, so, in that vein:

Tenses. I see why this story is in present tense. Because of the ending, it needs to be. But you slip into past tense a lot. You need to go through and make sure it's all in present.


Punctuation. Some issues with direct speech. For example: ”Hey, big bro!” “Has our teacher arrived yet?” If this is 2 speakers, separate lines; if this is the same person, get rid of the quotation marks in the middle.


And the ending:
“Big bro!”

”Jacob!”
Is this two speakers or one? It confuses. Who's the 2nd speaker? If one, why not on the same line in the same quotation marks?

These are technical issues.

As to the story, there is a lot of information that holds no relevance. I understand you want to set character, but some mean nothing. Why go to the gym? It has no bearing. Why the scar? It's not mentioned again. In a short story, Chekhov's Gun is important. You have limited word count and readers will want to know why things are there. Why he's older - keep it. Had a motorcycle accident - keep it, but then use it again at the climax, even as a memory; it then has relevance.


Now, like I said, I only review works I like, and this definitely has the potential to be saleable, but it does need some work. Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
436
436
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay... nice twist. The onomatopoeia got me. And the blasphemy reference! Holy subtle referencing!

This was really well done, and I'm just writing this to say I liked it a lot and would change absolutely nothing. One of the best things I've read all week! Bravo and kudos.
437
437
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
While I like the story and the way the child misinterprets everything according to her own personal system of world view, there were times when, even for something so short, it was hard to read.

Now, before I get into it, I would like to say I only review things at WDC that I actually like. So, I do like this.

But WDC is about helping one another improve. So, in that vein, some tips to help you become a better writer:
Technical -
* Find a tense and stick to it. Past or present, not a mixture of both. And if you want to sell your writing, past is most often the best.
* Watch punctuation. Capital letters misused, missing commas, sentence fragments dot the piece noticably.
* Paragraphing. No matter how little is said, every time a different person speaks, it should start on a new line. I know some modern editors and publishers eschew this basic rule, but it would make your story easier to read.
Practical -
* Joe sounds like an adult; is he supposed to be a kid the same age?
* You say Molly clears her throat loudly; the sound effect is a distraction to the reader.

Look, the basis is here for a fun little story. But I do feel some of the more technical aspects of writing need to be looked at.

Of course, this is just one person's opinion. But I have been a school teacher, an editor and have had more than 50 pieces published professionally; I like to think I know what I'm doing. Still, do with my advice what you will.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
438
438
Review of Bugs in Amber  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this. A sad juxtaposition between the old(er) and the young. It was well-written, and, from a technical standpoint, I couldn't see much wrong beyond a few tense confusions and errant capital letters.

Now, WDC is about helping writers, and in that vein:

Having worked as an editor, I feel there is a little too much "tell", not enough "show". One example: the last line starts with "He longed for his days as a child..." A suggestion (and it is just that) could be: "His mind drifted back to those days when..." Longed for is thus implied, and you have wistful as an emotion plugged in as well.


Now, this is just my opinion, but I only critique stuff at WDC that I actually like, so I do like this. To sell, it might have to be a little longer (not that hard with this as a strong base), but there are markets that I think would like it.


Also, having been a teacher myself, good luck juggling the educational aspects of writing with the actual practice. It can be a challenge! :)


Still, well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
439
439
Review of Henchman A  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
While the concept is not original - taking ideas from Peter's Evil Overlord list to batter old tropes - the way you have done so, as a resignation letter in the midst of a battle, is something I have not encountered before. Your unique take on a well-worn idea is very well done. I especially like the back-spaced/cross-out sections that tell what he really feels.

Technically, there was nothing I could see that needed correction.

And, more to the point, even though I had an idea where it was going, I still laughed.

This is very well done. And, I might add, very sellable. When I was an editor, I would have pushed for it (despite its short length). Fantastic job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
440
440
Review of For Laura  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

That is a very poignant piece, quite strong and heart-felt. As some-one who is currently on the other side - having people not sure what to say to me - it would be an interesting super-power for others to have.

Now, I would normally put some sort of critique in here as well, to help, but technically I could find nothing wrong, and its sentiments are expressed brilliantly. Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
441
441
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is not the sort of poem I normally like, but yours really struck me.


I think this is because I can relate to it. Swap the genders of the people involved, and that's me and the girl who friend-zoned me 30 years ago. Maybe that's why I like it - it resonates. And for a poem to be able to resonate across such a time frame is a mark of a good piece.


I normally try to include some constructive criticism, but the only things I would change would be the way it is set out - the words are as close to perfect as possible.


Excellent work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
442
442
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I quite enjoy autobiographical, slice of life poetry, and yours told a story too many of us can relate to. I liked the straight-forward manner of telling, and the rhythm, scansion and rhyming pattern were all well done (something I don't see often enough here at WDC).

Now, the purpose of WDC is for writers to help one another. In that vein, the poem feels unfinished. The final stanza seems to hang, and I felt like it needed an ending that was a little more definite. Of course, this is my opinion, and felt it even after a couple of readings.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
443
443
Review of She  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
As a writer and editor of horror, I have to say you set a nice atmosphere and kept a very good and consistent POV throughout this. Spelling and grammar were tight, and you kept a mood that suited the material.

However, WDC is about helping writers, and so in that vein:

* You need paragraph separation. There are at least 5 paragraphs to be had here, if not more. Block writing like this makes it hard for an editor to read and get a handle on. It also does not allow a sense of the pace you want.

* There are a number of run-on sentences, especially the first one. This also draws the reader out as, even in their mind, they are struggling for a breath to read all of this, and in horrror, that's not necessarily a good thing.

* A few cliches here; while not necessarily a bad thing, just be aware of it.

For some more tips and advice on writing horror, may I place a shameless plug right here? http://stevengepp.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/writing...

Good luck! There are heaps of markets for short horror fiction out there and this shows you definitely have the potential to be sell-able in the field.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
444
444
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting concept for a horror tale, one I don't think I've come across before, so well done on originality.

I also found hardly any spelling mistakes, and aside from a few capitalisation issues, punctuation was tight.

However, WDC is about helping writers, and in that vein:

The block prose *needs* paragraphs. As an editor, I would not accept this no matter how well written otherwise. Using rules of paragraphing, there are at least 20 here. And there are also a lot of run-on sentences, which can break the mood in a horror story where you want things to be punchy.

You have a great idea here, and you know what you want to write and have the basics of writing down well. But if you wish to be taken seriously and be able to sell your work (and that potential is there), then presentation and flow needs to be looked at carefully.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
445
445
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Interesting concept, one that has been done before.

It is a rather limited list (there are many, many more types of undead) and seems to have gained the information from Dungeons and Dragons games and movies, not actual myths, so this is something you should mention. And the rating system is rather vague and could do with expansion.

But, really, the content is by the by; WDC is about helping writers, and in that vein you have a lot of misused words thoughout this - oppion for opinion, posse for possess, etc. - and a lot of misspelled words and homophone issues.

Your use of grammar and ounctuation is pretty good, so well done in those technical aspects. (Watch how you punctuate and differentiate book titles as well.)

But you do need to sit down with an editor and work through this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
446
446
Review of Once  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a well-written, sad little poem. Unfortunately, it's something I can relate to.

As a free-form poem, the structure fits and works well. Technically - spelling, etc - it's perfect.

Just a really great job all-round. Well done.
447
447
Review of The Lost Kingdom  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank-you! One of the few haikus that stick true to the syllable form I've seen at WDC!

My only comment is that the last line should be a little bit more detached from the rest...

BUT: This would be perfect as a prologue to some sort of feudal Japanese fantasy story. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
448
448
Review of The Bathhouse  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
There is an overall sense of creepiness and desperation in this story. I don't know if that was your intent, but it was definitely there and gave the story a sense of the unknown which kept me reading. The main character - Yuki - is kept constant throughout in the way she thinks and reacts, which is also very good.

Technically, the spelling was good and paragraph separation excellent. Too many writers in WDC don't understand how and why to put paragraphs where they do - you don't have that problem, which is refreshing.

You also have maintained the third person point of view with a focus on Yuki well.

However, WDC is about helping writers. In that vein:
* As an editor I have to say the use of present tense does nothing for the story, and you slip out of it too often. The story is not immediate enough throughout for present tense to really work. Stick with past tense.
* Especially in the sections of dialogue, there is a lot of punctuation missing - commas, capital letters, full stops, etc. There are also other places where this is the case as well. This is something that really jars after how well the rest is written.
* The dialogue doesn't sound quite natural. Try speaking it out loud and you'll see what I mean.

What I would recommend is work with an editor. Sit down with them and let them explain why they make the suggestions they do. Your writing can only improve.

This story beginning shows real potential to be sellable. Good luck with the writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
449
449
Review of good versus bad  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting look at sibling rivalry. It plays on the "bad" one being not bad well, giving hope.

However, WDC is about helping writers, so, with that in mind:
* Even in poetry, contractions should still have an apostrophe
* Homophones (there/their/they're) need looking at
* "emotional" should be "emotoinally"; there is no real scansion so it is more to stop it sounding clumsy
* Some forced rhymes (sister/mister) don't fit in with the lack of rhyme elsewhere. This is jarring in what becomes free-form poetry after the first stanza.

With the theme of the poem, some more internal emotion would have made it more impactful as well.

Good luck and keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
450
450
Review of Hello Sarah  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
An interesting story with a bit of an emotional kick to it. Well done. The mobile phone call to the deceased is an interesting device, and the narrator seems honest and confused, as he should.

Now, writing.com is about helping authors, so in that vein:

* The narrator was talking at the funeral. How didn't others hear him or hush him?
* I didn't get their relationship. It felt like boyfriend/girlfriend, but then there was a sort of brother/sister interplay.
* There were a lot of punctuation errors, and a few grammar ones ("could of" for example). A good editor can help here.
* Did he kill her? If so, then that would be a good ending. If not, then it certainly feels like he did and I was confused.

This sounds very negative, but I think there is the basis of a sellable piece of flash fiction here. Good luck.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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