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Review Requests: ON
1,098 Public Reviews Given
1,126 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A standard war short of fighting and a lost comrade returning (I thought the tank was a nice twist). This sort of story always has a market, and you should find no trouble selling it. The story is well told, and the use of a lot of dialogue to get the action moving instead of using the same descriptors as everyone else to describe what is happening is a good touch you should keep.

However, writing.com is about helping writers improve, and so in that vein:

There are a few homophone errors (e.g. your/you're).

There are a number of punctuation errors - missing capital letters, missing punctuation marks, etc.

There are some formatting issues. In order to sell work, you need to have a consistent paragraphing style; here there are 2 styles used and mixed. When I get stories as an editor, I find this makes it hard for me to format a story the way the editor-in-charge wants it, and have been known to send them back to authors to redo.

What I would suggest is find an editor you can work with - some-one who doesn't know the story and will be honest. Sit down with them and go through your work, and learn what they do and what you should be looking for. Your work - which shows a lot of saleable potential - will only benefit from it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
452
452
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The story itself - while a well-worn trope (see, for example, the old film Vault Of Horror) - is well constructed with a great ending that is not flagged. Nicely done.

However, writing.com is a place where writers go to be improved. In that vein:
*There are a lot (a real lot) of punctuation / grammar / syntax errors.
*There are a lot of misused words.
Both of these things together make it difficult to read in places.
What I would strongly recommend is to work with an editor. Some-one who does not know the work - an impartial reader. Then watch and listen as they explain what is what. As an editor myself, I have done this with a number of young writers here in my hometown, going opver each mistake and explaining why. Everyone learns all the time - I would really urge you to go down this path.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
453
453
Review of Day of The Beast  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
While technically a reasonably well-written story, with enough of the desperation of someone in this situation, though without the pitiful 'woe-is-me' attitude, one thing seriously marred this story: the attitude towards the unfortunate female. She was reduced to an animal, as less than human, neglecting anything that might have been sympathy for her own plight. Yes, I do understand this is written from the POV of an alcoholic, but to do that to a woman (character or not) and leave her completely unfulfilled as a character or as a person, discarded like refuse, is a rather hateful thing to do.

Sorry, but I felt I had to say something. Writing.com is about helping writers, and yet I found it hard to help in this case. We are all people; we all need the same compassion we desire.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
454
454
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is the sort of political writing that there is just too little of in the world. Yes, you put forward your concerns with emotional language, but you use the facts - not bits of the facts that help you, but the actual facts - as an assist in a way that doesn't ram them down the readers' throats.

While you have written in an Americocentric view, the problem exists elsewhere. In Australia, the Great Barrier Reef is one of the natural wonders, with people coming from all over the world to see it, bringing in valuable tourist dollars. The governments at all levels have now passed legislation removing its world heritage listing and is allowing mining in parts of it.

Technically, the piece had virtually no errors, and, as an expositional genre piece, was set out with textbook precision.

Fantastic work, well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
455
455
Review of The Truth  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I quite liked this sad little story. The whole vibe of something under the surface then being brought into the open was well done.

However, I had to read it twice to fully understand it. Your use of the word "him" instead of names made some of the passages hard to follow. (And this sentence - "He knows this, but feels he has one because he has me." - I still don't get.) In fact, it took me while to work out the box of photos was of her husband instead of James, but I could still be wrong.

Also, why would she be offended if her fiancee was paying bills for her? (But that's a little quibble, though it did stand out.)

Technically, the story was pretty good - certainly far less errors in grammar, etc than I am used to seeing on this site - and you did get inside the narrator's head, showing her internal conflict well.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
456
456
Review of Writing Duel #1  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Number 1 won. While a little sentimental, and while it was meandering in the middle, the closing of it was actually a perfect response to what had gone on before.

While number 2 was well-written, I did see what was coming half-way through, and the denouement - all the narrator's fault - came out of nowhere; there was nothing to indicate why it should be his fault. That lost me.

Oh well, one person's opinion.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
457
457
Review of Would it Matter?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't normally like much poetry, but this one struck a chord with me. Nice.
458
458
Review of Crashed Witches  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Technically, this was a well-written piece. The use of first-person narrative gave ut an intimacy that the story probably needed to engage a reader. The exposition at the start was well incorporated and led seemlessly to the story proper. In all, this made it easy to read and that is one of the hardest things to do.

However, I felt the crux of the story - the actual crash and death of Eliza - was glossed over. For a horror story I feel there should be more build-up, more suspencse. Even if we know the ending - you gave it away in yourt discussion of portrayals of crashed witches - there can still be a little more build up and suspense to keep the reader suckered in. This unfortunately made the ending of the story seem more like an anecdote and not a short horror.

Anyway, that's my take. Feel free to ignore.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
459
459
Review of Charge  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The language was well chosen and really well maintained, something hard to do with this archaic form of expression. However, I did lose the meaning of the poem in the last stanza. Up till then I was into it, and then I could not understand what was happening., Sorry.
460
460
Review of steampunk  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good poem, with a nice descriptive style that actually does manage to describe Steampunk quite well.

I think the only thing I would change would be to either get rid of the first three lines, or move them to the end somewhere. Starting with "The Nautilus..." gets straight into it and captures the reader straight away. In fact, if I was going to be ruthless, I think I would get rid of the first three and the last 3 lines, and let the rest stand as it is, because that description is wonderful.
461
461
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Yep... that's me. I'm with you.

As to the writing it was a very readbale piece, the sort that you could actually find a market for. Have you considered 'Reader's Digest' or that ilk? I think I would add a bit more about the feelings of personal alienation - 'blood from middle-aged ears' is perfect, and this should set the rest of the tone - to play up the whole don't-belong-here vibe those of us of a "certain age" feel in these places.

Good work.
462
462
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not too bad. The dialogue felt a little stilted at the start, but relaxed as it went on. I think the only issue I had with this was the cliche of the drunk truck driver. Well done.
463
463
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was really entertaining, and something I guess a lot of us wish we had the courage to do in public, not just in the privacy of our own minds. It was a good, easy read, entertaining and made me feel better about some of the moronic comments cast in my direction.
464
464
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Really strong piece. I think more could have been made of the adult toys - not just the diversions of youth, but the new cars, computers, iPods, iPhones, whatever that seem to be status symbols. And with the very rich, it's the sports teams, the fast cars, etc. I feel that the terms 'toys' and 'games' are used a little too interchangeably in this essay as well, which makes it a little hard to follow in some places, which is why I didn't go the full monty. But this was still a very good, well thought out and convincing argument.
465
465
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well put analysis. I checked it, and your figures seem to be right. This is where I think the only improvement could be made - list your sources, either in text or as footnotes. Many people will not believe what you have written; data sources do help. Technically, this was well put together, and in less than 400 words you have put forward a very strong piece. Well done.
466
466
Review of Humanity  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is almost a summary of what many of the world's great thinkers have put forward. It is done in an interesting way. Normally people will say do not ask questions you have no answers to, but in this case, the question format suits the work well.

Some technical issues (sorry):
There were several spelling errors (dispise for despise, yeild for yield, etc).
There were a lot of missing capital letters (Christian, Muslim for 2).
Some misuses words (e.g. prideful for proud, aggressiveness for aggression).
Several of the paragraphs jump around with several ideas; try and stick with one idea per paragraph. In this case it will also increase the paragraph count and make it easier to read.
No real introduction; it needs a hook to get the reader in.
I would start a new final paragraph from "It matters not if..." and that would be a strong conclusion.

In all, a strong piece of writing that could easily be used further. Well done.
467
467
Review of Nothing Personal  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I guessed the identity of the character only three quarters of the way through, but that does not detract from a fine piece of flash fiction. I really enjoyed this tale. Technically it is text book, and even in so few words you managed to give us a sense of character. The three words you had to use did not stand out as being out of place; they fitted in to the story perfectly. Great piece.
468
468
Review of Hell  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is quite a depressing piece. The sentiments are expressed well and the metaphors are apt and well done (the molten tar one is especially telling).

I think you need to be wary of long, run-on sentences. This piece has a downbeat mood; long sentences make people read faster and faster, and this does not suit the mood you are trying to develop. It is best done with sentence fragments, if you want to be unconventional (which you have done with "With nothing to reach for." This suits.)

The ending also felt a little off. It just sort of petered out.

But well done.
469
469
Review of My Mourning  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well written poem with a true sense of sadness throughout.

In structure it works very well, however I found the rhythm of the second stanza to be off a little, especially compared to the rest. The lines felt like they changed rhythm too much, which jarred a little from the overall tone of the poem. The rhymes themselves were good, with no forced pairings.

Well done.
470
470
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A good poem. The rhythm is well maintained and the rhyming scheme kept to. It has a thoughtful tone to go along with it.

I question the use of the word catarrh. Maybe put the "blah-blah" line that follows as the rhyming line and find a better word than one meaning a drippy nose. Just a suggestion.

However, a good poem; I enjoyed it. Well done.
471
471
Review of Global Warming  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not sure what year level/grade you're in, but there are a few things that I (as a teacher) would suggest.

One, you need an inbtroduction and conclusion. I have noticed that some teachers do not expect this, but I have to say, where I taught and who I taught, it was mandatory.

Second, you need paragraph separation. Each new point is a new paragraph, and then you need to back up your points with some sort of proof.

Make sure your points are valid. CO2 causes damage the whole yime it's there? So giving plant life a source of nourishment is damage? Anything containing carbon dioxide? What about our breath? Do you see the problem here?

It also seems brief. As you are on WDC I am guessing you write a bit; this needs that "a bit".

Sorry for being so negative.
472
472
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
As a work in progress I am going to assume it has not yet been edited, as there are a lot of errors: homophones (e.g. to for two), missing commas, missing capital letters, other missing punctuation.

There needs to be paragrpah separation and the verb tenses need to be consistent.

Okay, that's a lot of negativity, and I apologise. The actual story itself shows great promise, sort of the standard sport story theme of the hero shows them all what he can do. It is just hard to read as it is presented thus far.

Again, I apologise.
473
473
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Technically, this was very well done. The grammar, punctuation and spelling all seemed very good. I may have seen one or two small errors, but in a story of this length, that is to be expected.

The character of Tom Ruskin was well realised. His internal struggles were very real and well written.

I think the main issue I had was the direct speech. The words the people used, a lot of the time, did not seem natural or normal. An example of this is the first scene, when Tom falls and Karen catches him. She says he almost fell and he introduces himself and his job. Surely he would have made some self-deprecating remark or apologised to her (judging by the character as he is portrayed).

Sorry about the negativity, because the story itself is very good.
474
474
Review of How...?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A sad poem that puts out its emotion very well. The use of questions all through with the repeat of "How" is reminiscent of Dylan's 'Blowin' In The Wind' - questions without answers, questions designed to make the reader/listener think.

On a technical point of view, it seems very good. Everything is done well, and it is tightly edited. (One missing apostrophe: others' eyes.) I think the only suggestion I would make involves the final stanza. The rhyming scheme in stanzas 1 & 2 is a-b-c-b, but this does not seem to follow in that final stanza. I know it's poetry, and rules are optional, but it does jar a little.

Still, a really good poem. Well done.
475
475
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting. Artemis and Emerald are both traditionally female names. Using two names that are very similar - Mandy and Mindy - confuses a reader unless they are identical twins!

Some interesting spelling choices as well.

If you wish to take the story further than just you and family, most publishers I have dealt with prefer spellings to be "standard" unless there is a cultural reason inherent in the story otherwise.

To help people looking at this list, may I suggest some sort of description or role in the story as well?

Of course, feel free to ignore all of this.
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