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Review Requests: ON
1,158 Public Reviews Given
1,186 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well put analysis. I checked it, and your figures seem to be right. This is where I think the only improvement could be made - list your sources, either in text or as footnotes. Many people will not believe what you have written; data sources do help. Technically, this was well put together, and in less than 400 words you have put forward a very strong piece. Well done.
502
502
Review of Humanity  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is almost a summary of what many of the world's great thinkers have put forward. It is done in an interesting way. Normally people will say do not ask questions you have no answers to, but in this case, the question format suits the work well.

Some technical issues (sorry):
There were several spelling errors (dispise for despise, yeild for yield, etc).
There were a lot of missing capital letters (Christian, Muslim for 2).
Some misuses words (e.g. prideful for proud, aggressiveness for aggression).
Several of the paragraphs jump around with several ideas; try and stick with one idea per paragraph. In this case it will also increase the paragraph count and make it easier to read.
No real introduction; it needs a hook to get the reader in.
I would start a new final paragraph from "It matters not if..." and that would be a strong conclusion.

In all, a strong piece of writing that could easily be used further. Well done.
503
503
Review of Nothing Personal  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I guessed the identity of the character only three quarters of the way through, but that does not detract from a fine piece of flash fiction. I really enjoyed this tale. Technically it is text book, and even in so few words you managed to give us a sense of character. The three words you had to use did not stand out as being out of place; they fitted in to the story perfectly. Great piece.
504
504
Review of Hell  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is quite a depressing piece. The sentiments are expressed well and the metaphors are apt and well done (the molten tar one is especially telling).

I think you need to be wary of long, run-on sentences. This piece has a downbeat mood; long sentences make people read faster and faster, and this does not suit the mood you are trying to develop. It is best done with sentence fragments, if you want to be unconventional (which you have done with "With nothing to reach for." This suits.)

The ending also felt a little off. It just sort of petered out.

But well done.
505
505
Review of My Mourning  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A well written poem with a true sense of sadness throughout.

In structure it works very well, however I found the rhythm of the second stanza to be off a little, especially compared to the rest. The lines felt like they changed rhythm too much, which jarred a little from the overall tone of the poem. The rhymes themselves were good, with no forced pairings.

Well done.
506
506
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A good poem. The rhythm is well maintained and the rhyming scheme kept to. It has a thoughtful tone to go along with it.

I question the use of the word catarrh. Maybe put the "blah-blah" line that follows as the rhyming line and find a better word than one meaning a drippy nose. Just a suggestion.

However, a good poem; I enjoyed it. Well done.
507
507
Review of Global Warming  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not sure what year level/grade you're in, but there are a few things that I (as a teacher) would suggest.

One, you need an inbtroduction and conclusion. I have noticed that some teachers do not expect this, but I have to say, where I taught and who I taught, it was mandatory.

Second, you need paragraph separation. Each new point is a new paragraph, and then you need to back up your points with some sort of proof.

Make sure your points are valid. CO2 causes damage the whole yime it's there? So giving plant life a source of nourishment is damage? Anything containing carbon dioxide? What about our breath? Do you see the problem here?

It also seems brief. As you are on WDC I am guessing you write a bit; this needs that "a bit".

Sorry for being so negative.
508
508
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
As a work in progress I am going to assume it has not yet been edited, as there are a lot of errors: homophones (e.g. to for two), missing commas, missing capital letters, other missing punctuation.

There needs to be paragrpah separation and the verb tenses need to be consistent.

Okay, that's a lot of negativity, and I apologise. The actual story itself shows great promise, sort of the standard sport story theme of the hero shows them all what he can do. It is just hard to read as it is presented thus far.

Again, I apologise.
509
509
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Technically, this was very well done. The grammar, punctuation and spelling all seemed very good. I may have seen one or two small errors, but in a story of this length, that is to be expected.

The character of Tom Ruskin was well realised. His internal struggles were very real and well written.

I think the main issue I had was the direct speech. The words the people used, a lot of the time, did not seem natural or normal. An example of this is the first scene, when Tom falls and Karen catches him. She says he almost fell and he introduces himself and his job. Surely he would have made some self-deprecating remark or apologised to her (judging by the character as he is portrayed).

Sorry about the negativity, because the story itself is very good.
510
510
Review of How...?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A sad poem that puts out its emotion very well. The use of questions all through with the repeat of "How" is reminiscent of Dylan's 'Blowin' In The Wind' - questions without answers, questions designed to make the reader/listener think.

On a technical point of view, it seems very good. Everything is done well, and it is tightly edited. (One missing apostrophe: others' eyes.) I think the only suggestion I would make involves the final stanza. The rhyming scheme in stanzas 1 & 2 is a-b-c-b, but this does not seem to follow in that final stanza. I know it's poetry, and rules are optional, but it does jar a little.

Still, a really good poem. Well done.
511
511
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting. Artemis and Emerald are both traditionally female names. Using two names that are very similar - Mandy and Mindy - confuses a reader unless they are identical twins!

Some interesting spelling choices as well.

If you wish to take the story further than just you and family, most publishers I have dealt with prefer spellings to be "standard" unless there is a cultural reason inherent in the story otherwise.

To help people looking at this list, may I suggest some sort of description or role in the story as well?

Of course, feel free to ignore all of this.
512
512
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is unfortunately a very political speech - the exact sort of politics you are rallying against. You put forth the very reasonable premise that your generation is America's hope, but apart from some alternative energy plans, do not say how. What of the criticisms of your generation? What of the fact older generations are not going to stand idly by and wtach you take over? Politics and corrpution are addictive; they aren't going to give it up without a fight.

On a technical viewpoint, quite well done. Paragraph 3, first senctence ("As citizens..."), I think a "we" is missing; second to last paragraph: "People aren't thinking head." needs work. Also, honor is not tangible. Tangible means you can physically touch it.

Okay, that's the negativity out of the way. This is a passionate and impassioned plea. It is a speech that comes clearly from the heart. You cannot fake these emotions, and so you do not try. In that regard, this is a very fine piece of work. I hope your dreams can become reality; to those of us outside of America, she needs all the help she can get and it is young people like yourself who are the true hope and future of your country.

Good luck.
513
513
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You put forward a common conundrum facing many. And you did it in a manner that was not only empathetic to the sufferer of the pain but also mostly non-judgemental of him. However, it did come across that you were judging yourself rather harshly. I know it is how you feel, but for a piece like this, if you judge yourself and are honest about your own feelings, I feel you should be honest about the others mentioned.

On a slightly more technical point, there are a couple of sentence fragments, using a full stop where comma would be better, and some paragraphs have two lines of thought in them (e.g. the one that begins "I made him cut them..."). This is mainly to help the reader get hold of your tale and not let go.

A strong piece. Well done.
514
514
Review of Fire and Snow  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very well done piece of flash fiction, keeping a whole story well in the 300 word limit. You actually set a sense of place and even of time within those words, and the character of Tahn was realised as an actual person.

From a technical viewpoint, the spelling and grammar/punctuation were very good as well. However, the very last sentence was run-on; it should be cut after "moon" with a period. I would then make "They were going to be okay." a single sentence on its own and a paragraph on its own.

Just a suggestion, and apart from that, great work!
515
515
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a compelling argument - though I was not sure if it was against attitudes or for the song - and then you hit us with the ending. I did the spit laugh. So well thought out and put down as an exposition ... and then to be the cause. Brilliant.

Technically, a well-written piece. Punctuation, grammar, spelling textbook. I guess the only thing is that it is normal for the song to be identified through single quotation marks, especially for some one who may not know the song (as it does sound like a band name).

I think the the only thing that let it down was that last sentence/paragraph. It was a non-sequitur. Maybe: "Well, if Elton John isn't going to hell, I think I probably am." Okay, not that, but something along those lines.

Apart from that, really well done.
516
516
Review of DISPLACED  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting anthropomorphised look at the plight of animals verus man. From a strictly story telling poiint of view, this sort of tale - where animals overcome their insticnts in order to work together and survive, is much more suited to a child reader, however the language used here and some of the situations are more adult.

There were a few homophone errors (their for there, for example), some punctuation issues (commas, apostrophes, etc) and the verb tenses jumped all over the place. This last especially made the story a little jarring to read.

Having said that - and I apologise for being so negative - the way the story was written, the situation, was well done.
517
517
Review of Nerd vs Geek  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
The concept of this is quite good. And even some of your arguments make a deal of sense. You have a clear introduction and conclusion as well, necessary in any argument.

Two things, though. It needs some tighter editting. Capital letters, commas, other elements of punctuation, all of these things need to be improved. If you are writing for more than just yourself (and being at WDC I would guess that is the case), then these are the things that are going to make an editor look at you seriously. And the seocnd thing relates to the first - use paragraphs!

I know it is meant to be a humorous appraisal of the whole thing, and for the most part the humor generally works, but I think it can be made even better.

Good luck!
518
518
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A good overview, and bringing up many points. However it did become bogged down a little in places, especially in the last paragraph. I think to alleviate this, splitting it into a few more paragraphs would really help. Each new point should be a new paragraph, with subsequent sentences supporting this one point. I also feel the piece as a whole lacks a real introduction and conclusion.

This sounds negative, but I don't mean for it to be. The structure of the argument is, on the whole, very well done, and the technical aspects of the writing - punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc - is textbook. And the arguments themselves are well thought out with very good points throughout.
519
519
Review of The Spectre  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice twist on the traditional ghost story. It started off quite well (I liked the "bowels quivered" phrase) and got a nice atmosphere going.

But then it seemed to lose its way a little. The funeral scene is a little jarring. This could have been mentioned earlier - [suggestion] George is dreaming of a funeral, but like always he wakes up before he can see the face of the deceased.

When that person tells him it was 86 years ago, then the memory of the face can hit him like a clock bell. Then he remembers, when confronted like that, that it was his own.

I don't know, just a suggestion.

The writing itself was good, with nice tight editting and use of grammar, punctuation, etc. And the concept, as I said, was a strong twist on an old favourite.

Sorry for seeming so negative.
520
520
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cool, and the argument put forth as to just *why* imagination is more important than knowledge is, in fact, really strong. I liked the way the debate was framed, around RDR, which would make this definitely somehting that could be used to help younger people understand what was going on.

My only quibble is the age of the little sister. Sometimes her language and actions indicate young, maybe 11 or 12; at other times it seems she is pushing 16. A little consistency with her character is lacking.

But apart from that, well done. A really good story.
521
521
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
What age group are you aiming for with this story? The situation sort of lends itself to maybe that 10-12 year old group, the characters are pitched slightly younger and the writing styles used are a mixture, the length is more 9-12 yo.

The story itself is a good one, well thought out and stands as a sort of pre-YA fantasy.

But I think you need to decide your market, read a heap of books aimed directly there and that should help. I've written two YA books (one published) but my former job as a school teacher helped me have an understanding of what the publishers and children were after.

Some pointers:

Some of your paragraphs are quite long. They will need trimming or splitting. Your punctuation for direct speech needs some editting. Many of the characters are interchangeable in their attitiudes and actions; they need to be differentiated more than by species. Some of the extraneous detail is unnecessary as well, as it does not contribute to the story as a whole.

Sorry for being so negative. It has been said that writing for children is one of the hardest things an author can do, and anyone who gives it a go should be prepared for more rewrites than they have ever done before.

Sorry again, but I hope you do not give up. This deserves to be kept.
522
522
Review of THE COFFIN  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Intriguing look at death. Two things, though: why "reign" in the first line? It really did not seem to make sense. Second, I found myself reading it fast. Maybe some longer syllables to slow it down could help?

Okay, enough negativity. It was a really strong poem, with just the right sense of foreboding to make it quite eerie. Nice one.
523
523
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I've only heard one track from Bat Country and was not that impressed, and after your review will probably not bother should they ever venture to Adelaide.

Your reviewing style is reminscent of the stream of consciousness trend that has grown up across the Inbternet. It is a review style I am familiar with (a website I write for does them like this often), but it also means the style itself is becoming a little cliched and while you have some good things to say there is a chance you will get lost in a very large shuffle.

If you do want to try and take it beyond websites and into more mainstream attention, there are a number of commas, full stops, apostrophes, etc that are misused or missing. The spelling in general is pretty good. So, really, some tighter editting would not go astray.

This is not to say I think you should not do this. It was actually very informative and, especially with tracks like 'Sweet December', strangely emotive. So keep on doing this and I hope you can stand out from the crowd.

Well done.
524
524
Review of Art is a lie?  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting and well researched little article. The points you made were certainly ones I had not considered before, and actually gave more meaning to Picasso's quote.

Technically there were a number of missing commas and full stops in the piece, but this is just a matter of re-editting. And some of the points I think can be tightened a little, eliminating some extraneous information that does not help the argument you are trying to make; reduce it from 1600 to at the most 1500 words. Also the standard is to use a superscore for the numbers used in citations, but not knowing WDC that well yet, it might be a matter of the site not allowing it.

The reason I say this is that there are a number of serious art journals that could well consider a piece such as this for publication, as well as a number of university magazines and even some of the news-style magazines. I think it would actually do well and may even have a chance of wider publication.

Well done!
525
525
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh, dear God, can I ever relate to this! (My 'Pong' game still works, by the way, and my son thinks it is a real hoot!) While we don't own a Wii, we have borrowed one and... Never mind. This was a well written piece. Technically I could find nothing wrong, and the structure was text-book. A very strong piece and with one of the best, most well thought out topics. Excellent!
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