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Review Requests: ON
1,088 Public Reviews Given
1,115 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting tale, one that I could see easily come to pass if a greater intelligence did come to Earth.

Now, technically, this was pretty clean. Very few errors that I could see, except industry stadard for scene breaks is three centred asterisks.

However, the verb tense constantly shifted back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one and stick to it. If something is supposed to be a character's thoughts, then italicise them, if this is what is required for a few of these occurences.

There is also a little bit of tell as opposed to show. I would centre this as a 3rd oerson narrow PoV on Johnson, so we have his ideas and thoughts and feelings and responses (physical and emotional as well as verbal) to drive the narrative.

This paragraph felt wrong: “What’s another five hundred thousand strangers to add to our numbers?” Commander Johnston had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. The words were said like a throwaway, and did not fit in with the bad feeling. If the other person had spoken, then Johnson should be a new paragraph.

This does sound quite negative and I apologise. The story idea is definitely there, it just read awakwardly.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of Stuck  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is, as you said, a short poem, but it says a lot.

I think this was well-written, but the lines that really got me were:
"The shadows move
but my footprints
stay right here."

That is such a good triplet of lines.

I think in that regard, the two lines before it do feel a little redundant.

But a strong piece. Well done.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi.

Saw this on the newsfeed so I thought I'd give it a read.

Well.

That was depressing. It gives story with some detail, about a friendship falling apart.

As a poem, an emotion put into words, it is very effective.

Some lines did not seem to fit, especially those with the italics, which I automatically used as emphasis, as it felt like the narrator was being a touch petulant. However, the use of some other format choices - distance, gone, for example - was really good and fit it well.

You inidicated in the newsfeed it was based on life. I am sorry you went through this.

Nicely done.


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Review of Mr. Tibbs  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, happy WdC anniversary.

This is an interesting tale. I like the way you went from 3rd to 1st person, as that helped drive the story onwards well without being forced. We felt the way old Larry was suffering, and were with him in his inability to hear Jenna, his care for the old lady, even his joy at seeing Mr Tibbs after all this time. Jenna felt maybe a little too naive, but there was enough cynicism around her to make up for that.

Technically, the punctuation of some of the direct speech needs some work, and there does need to be something to differentiate personal thoughts from the rest of the narrative (italics have become industry standard). There were one or two other little things as well. I think this just needs a thorough edit.

Still, you painted a wonderful picture with words, with a rather depressing implied ending (I really like that the ending was implied) and some characters who engage the reader well.

Happy anniversary again!


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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi, and happy WdC anniversary.

I decided to have a look at your port and in the "best of" collection. This one struck me, as monorhyme poems are quite the challenge.

First, well done on the rhyming scheme. I tend to read poems by speaking them out loud, and none of the rhymes felt forced (I was a little concerned abot the "Snap"/"map" words, but they worked well in context). You have tapped into the things that make WdC what it is.

My biggest concern came when I did read it out loud. The inconsistent meter/syllable count did make it awkward to maintain the rhythm at times. I tend to feel that rhyming poetry works best with a rhythm.

Still, a fun poem.
And, once again, happy anniversary.


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Review of Hate Me  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi! Looking hrough your port for something to review for your anniversary, I saw this had not been reviewed at all, so...

You have a strong sense of show, as opposed to tell. I felt the narrator's exasperation and anger. This was rather intense.

Some little things: "anymore" should be "any more" in this case; there are some commas missing (particularly in direct speech); "embarrassed of" should be "embarrassed by"; little things like that. I just needs a thorough edit.

I would also be careful of using words like "I felt". In something this intense, they diminish the effect. "I felt the heat steaming out of my ears." could be "Heat rose across my face, burning up my cheeks to my ears, my blood pumping as my breath became shorter." That is probably badly written, off the top of my head, but it is all definite, and that is what this piece warrants.

I do unerstand this is a sample and so is incomplete, but I think you have a good character introduction here, and this could easily be part of a longer whole.

Nicely done, good luck going forward, and happy anniversary.


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Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Happy first WdC anniversary.

Well, this was an interesting story! Nice denouement at the end as well, one that works.

Technically, this was well done. Maybe one or two little slips, but nothing worth getting worried about. Just needs a thorough edit, I think. The only thing I will say is to separate the two sections better. The industry standard is * * *.

When it comes to the actual story, while you show us how eager and confused the man is, you do tell us a little too much. Give us more of his feelings, his concerns, etc. Bring in more of the 5 senses and more of his internalisations. I would also drop in one or two little hints that he is not a good guy, so the ending does not feel convenient. Make us wonder why he received this, and if we know he is nasty, then maybe we will want this to happen to him, not find out later. Let the reader in a little more. Not completely - just a little.

Still, a strong story. Well done.
And happy anniversary.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi. Happy anniversary. One year here!

I decided to give your story a read, and here are my thoughts.

The tale was an interesting one, looking at a girl used and abused. This is rather poignant at the moment because in Australia a young teenager was subjected to a 5 hour torture session by some of her friends in the past month or so, similar to what you have described. I don't think the ending of it being a film quite worked with the rest of the story; the only film I can think of where the actors were subjected to such torment was the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). I appreciate you have tried a unique twist, but it might need some more explanation and some more introspection on behalf of the narrator.

Technically, you need to watch verb tense. It starts in present, then shifts to past. Pick one and stick with it. Also, your use of commas needs work. You use dashes instead of commas in a few places. There are also some run-on sentences. Just needs a good edit.

Finally, there is a little too much tell instead of show. When you have shown - like the narrator describing how she found herself on waking - you have done it well. Incorporate that, using all 5 senses, into the rest of the story and it will really up the unease.

Good luck going forward and happy WdC anniversary.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


This is a fun little poem, expressing everything that a 5 year old is inundated with in that first day of education.

The constant meter and rhyme made it so easy to read and I can imagine this being used with children. If you can find an artist, a picture every 2 or 4 lines and you can have that magic 24 pages that children's publishers like for a rhyming book.

The only line that didn't quite feel right was "I kick a ball. I throw a ball"; the repetition of "ball" does not work to me. Maybe something like "I kick and toss and throw a ball" - still 8 syllables and no repeating. Anyway, that's me.

I also think the lines near the end about Fern should be earlier in the poem, so when Fern draws a shark, we know who she is, and why she is named.

Anyway, those are small things in a strong and enjoyable poem.

Good luck going forward, and happy anniversary!


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Review of Alea iacta est  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi!

I am a sucker for alternate history, and was at one stage a scholar of ancient Rome, so you caught me straight away. An interesting concept here, that Brutus would take over after Caesar's death. But even if Octavian died, what of the other two members of the triumverate - Marc Antony and Lepidus? Antony would have the Egyptians behind him, and probably the Greeks, Lepidus had the armies loyal to Caesar. Brutus might think he would be ruler, but I can't see it happening. He had too little experience in war, and would be wiped out by a Duumverate as opposed to a Triumverate. In my opinion.

So, that's my problem with the story's core.

As for it being a quick-fire flash fiction piece, it is really well written. I saw no errors, and it flowed well. You used scene breaks to avoid head-hopping and everything else made sense from a logical point of view. It was an easy and fun read.

Happy anniversary!


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Review of FROZEN FLAME  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi.

Looking through your port for an anniversary review, I saw you were after reviews for this work. So, here I am.

First, I can relate to your sentiment here. After my marriage broke up, I contacted an old flame, and we tried a few dates and... it fizzled. Shame.

As for the poem, it is fine and puts across the idea that some old feelings never die.

Having said that, there were some bits I was not sure about. I found the phrase "my youth prime" awkward; two nouns together did not feel right. The same with "Come not nigh me" - I was not sure what you meant with that one. And the use of the word "quell" did not feel like it worked.

Still, the concet of the poem connected, and the rhythm and rhyme worked well, making it easy to say out loud.

Nicely done.


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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
A constant meter from stanza to stanza of 12/7/7/10 – this took me only two stanzas to get the hang of reading, and then it flowed very nicely. And the ABBA rhyme scheme was consistent throughout with no forced rhymes. Nicely done.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
It seems like a series of wishes until the end, which just makes it feel desperate, which makes for a decent sense of unease throughout.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
There was some punctuation used, but that meant the punctuation that was missing (mainly commas) were noticeable. The rest of the technical aspects were strong.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
Going through different killing methods to escape a horrid person, only for the final denouement to be something rather gruesome and violent made for an intriguing tale.
Final thoughts:
A good, strong piece here of violent revenge set into a poem of a different form that works well. Good work.


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Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
The rhyme was fine, but it took me a couple of readings to get into the meter of the piece. It was relatively constant from stanza to stanza, and once I got my head around that, it did make it easier for me to read.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
There is a sense of horror about it, but it does feel almost like a song-song style, a nursery rhyme almost.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
Punctuation was used appropriately, and everything worked well in context. Excellent work here.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
The story of a child whose fears might or might not have a basis in reality is a good story to work on for this sort of thing. Nicely done.
Final thoughts:
A fine poem written in a form it took me a little while to get used to, but once I had it, I saw how it worked. And the child being afraid of the thing under the bed is a universal fear. Well done.


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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
Thhe rhyme of ABCB was consistent throughout, but the meter, the syllable count, was not. For example, stanza 1 is 8/9/6/8, the last stanza is 8/4/8/7.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
You managed this quite suspenseful, especially with the idea that these men do the Devil’s work.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
There was some punctuation used, but some missing, so this was inconsistent. The rest, from a technical standpoint, was well done.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
This is a strong story, well told, about men accepting that the Devil is helping them and willing to do his work.
Final thoughts:
The idea here is great, and works really well; there’s just a few little things that need working on to make it fulfill the criteria.


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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
To be honest, I had to look up what a licentia was. You set yourself a tough task, and yet you accomplished it well. The meter s constant at 8 syllables a line, and the rhyme is maintained, with the required repetition as per the form. I would say, though, that food/good is a bit of a forced rhyme.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
I think you did this well, and reducing from 11 to 8 syllables certainly helps in that regard. There is a definite sense of unease about it.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
Not much punctuation used, but what was was used appropriately. I don’t think there was any missing, either. You even managed to keep the repetition going well within context throughout.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
A man who did not want to change into a werewolf, butt does so anyway, and then attacks and kills – yep, a good story that works well in a poem.
Final thoughts:
You set yourself quite the high bar, and I feel you reached it. Nicely done and a strong entry to the contest.


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Review of Bloody Wedding  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
All lines were 10 syllables +/- 1, and the rhyme was a constant pattern. There were a few forced rhymes – “arrives”, when the rest was in past tense, for example – but in general it was strongly constructed.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
In general, this was well done, A few times word choice made it come across a little corny (“this man had just wrecked”), but the tone was generally upheld throughout.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
You used minimal punctuation, but what you used – and the subsequent use of capitalisation – was done well. None was missing; it was what had to be there.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
Yep, a story of deadly vengeance and subsequent haunting a story as old as time,, and dine well. My only question would be a fourth floor – not many mansions have four storeys, and who could see into it that high?
Final thoughts:
Good entry into the competition, doing what I asked for and doing it well. Nicely done.


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Review of Midnight  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
Strong rhyming scheme, no forced rhymes, and some great uses of words (loved townsfolk/convoked). The meter was all 7/8 syllable lines and so was consistent throughout. Great.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
The tone was well done, The choice of words, the long syllable sounds – it all gave for quite the unease.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
You used punctuation, used it properly, and it all works in the context of the poem. Very strong.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
A poem about a revenant – works for me as a story.
Final thoughts:
This is a really strong and very good entry into the competition. Nice work!


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Review of Them Woods  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
Rhyme was okay – the different format of the stanzas near the end made it awkward – and the meter was generally good, but some lines had too many syllables to hold into the meter of the piece. It was not everywhere, but enough to make saying it a little awkward.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
Well done in this regard. I especially liked the way you told the poem’s story as a monologue, using a person’s dialect. That worked well, and did increase the unease.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
Again, this was fine. You only used commas and apostrophes where needed, and all were used fine, and you maintained a consistent voice in the dialect use.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
Going hunting, encountering an unseen entity, feeling the fear, fleeing – perfect story for a poem meant in to invoke that sense of unease.
Final thoughts:
The only thing that did not quite fulfill the criteria was the consistent meter, so this was a very strong entry, with a nice unique aspect to it in its voice. Well done.


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for entry "Deranged Bride" 
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thank-you for entering the March poetry round of the horror writing contest! My review will focus on my judging criteria.
1) The mechanics. It must have a consistent rhyme (AABBCC, ABCB, AABCCB, etc.) and meter.
The rhyming is mostly good, with the only forced rhyme being Tress/Dress; we generally talk of tresses, not one tress. But the meter does not quite work. For example, the syllable count of the opening stanza is 12/9/8/6, the second 10/9/9/8, etc. Ut did make it hard to read and get into at times.
2) The tone. That is, the sense of horror, terror or unease.
This works. Until the end. We have a jilted bride covered in blood, and then a headless nun appears and the bride screams. But I was under the impression, especially as she had “shackles”, the bride was already dead. I was a little confused and it did drop the sense of unease.
3) Technical aspects. Spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. must all be as strong as possible. Use of punctuation is optional
All really good. Nothing to complain about here. You used a few commas in lines, and they were all spot-on.
4) If it tells a story or vignette, I will be a happy judge.
As I said back in section 2, the nun thing made me confused. There was a fine stry going until then, but it lost me.
Final thoughts:
With just a little tweaking, this could have been so much stronger as a horror poem. It is still definitely horror, it just felt like you maybe were trying to cram too much in.


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Review of Forgotten World  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sad poem about the decline of the Earth. All too apt... unfortunately.

One little error - Lets should be Let's in the final stanza.

Reading it out loud, which I do with all poetry, the rhyming scheme made me want a more consistent rhythm or meter, so I did find it awkward to read and get into the flow of. Also "up" and "amok" is a bit of a forced rhyme. This is, of course, on me.

So, a good poem with a strong message, yet one I found hard to read.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by s
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
This is a very brief look at one of the more interesting figures in America's political landscape.

It started confusingly. You said his father was buried when he was 78 hours old, then said he died two months before his birth. Why did they wait two months before burying him?

A serial killer intentionally kills at least three people. As far as I was aware, Oswald killed JFK and Tippit (sp? this is from my memory). How was he a serial killer? Assassin, sure. Murderer, definitely. But serial killer?

You did not touch on any aspect of "why", despite saying so in the second paragraph. All you did was make a supposition in the final paragraph that he hated JFK because of JFK's arrogance. Where did that come from? How is that an excuse to kill someone with the degree of care that Oswald took to execute the act? It did not follow.

Technically, grammar was fine, despite a few spelling errors (e.g. "assasination"), so that was okay.

The final paragraph felt out of place, a sudden jump to the assassination after detailing Oswald's own murder. The opening and final paragraphs were little bits of docudrama which stood in stark contrast with the rest of the information.

Overall, this was an odd piece. There is so much here that could be easily expanded upon.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of Carved in Stone  
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is an interesting concept of a modern adventurer being deluded as much by greed as by technology.

The story is well thought-out and makes sense.

However, this is all tell and no show. It feels like the outline for a much longer work. For example, you tell us that the narrator dodged all this intricate danger, and yet that was it. We did not get a chance to feel the danger, the excitement, the "will he or won't he" tension. It was just there.

So, the idea is strong. The delivery is skeletal.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of Renewal  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
While I don't know much about poetry, this followed all the rules of sonnets I recently learnt.

I speak poetry out loud, and I found the first time this was a little odd because I wanted to rhyme but the broken sentences made me stumble. However, the second time I went through it, knowing how it was going to come it flowed better. So it just took me some getting used to.

One question: should "seasons chill" be "season's chill"?

As to the content, it seemed to encapsulate the coming of spring quite well.

So I am going to say - good sonnet. Well done.


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Review of Suitcase  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
A short poem, but you say a lot in those few words. The invisible suitcase is such a good metaphor.

It is something I think too many of us can relate to in some way.

I can offer you nothing by way of improvement; this is perfect the way it is.

Really strong piece.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of In the Night  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This took me a couple of readings to get what I think was the gist of this. There is some confusion to me in the action. However, you do have a decent turn of phrase that amps up the tension nicely, and so I decided to review it. There is a good story here.

Technically, there are a few issues. Some of the direct speech needs better punctuation. Every time a new person speaks or does something, no matter how little, it is a new paragraph. And standard for internal thoughts is to put them in italics. Some of these issues did make it difficult to follow and read at times.

Story-wise, the introduction of the bear as having once been the mother's own came a little late in the story for me. And, like I said, the ending took me a while to get (but that is most likely on me).

I will say again, though, that you cave some good descriptions and you did some good show against tell where the mother's emotions were at.

Good luck going forward.

So, I can see this being a good story, but it does need a thorough edit and clean-up.


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