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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/strategos101
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5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Human Magnet  
Review by Joseph Mack
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my goodness, these accounts just had me laughing my buns off, pun intended. And I'm sure it wasn't meant to be funny, and I'm sorry for laughing, but man the way it sounds is comical. I mean, I never really thought about this subject before. (:

Thanks for sharing.
2
2
Review by Joseph Mack
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, that was insane. I don't know what to say other then I would completely move out of that area. Run Forest run!
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3
Review by Joseph Mack
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Well, first off, I want to say that I love stories with a ton of dialogue so you already got my attention. And second, down below is how I will review you sub.


Alright, so this is the way that I do my reviews. The idea is simple. Instead of telling what's supposedly wrong with each paragraph I'm going to tell you what I imagined when I read each one. That way you can match it up with what you intended it to say, with what I imagined, in order to give you a better understand of how you are coming across. Each number listed below is a paragraph I've read which corresponds to the paragraph that was written in chronological order. So, 1.) is first paragraph and so on. Also, any dialogue between paragraphs is considered a paragraph with respect to this review. And now lets get started.

Chapter One.

1.) "The neckline plunged low enough to attract attention without being dangerous." What does this mean, meaning, how would it be dangerous to show more cleavage? Other than that, well written. I got a good visual.

2.) "Although a mere fraction of a centimeter shorter than him" was an awkward statement to me. What does her height have anything to do with her ability to melt into her arms. I smell an info dump here and it wasn't naturally implemented either. I did get a good visual though.

3.) Not much here to review, but written well. He's kind of an arrogant sort.

4.) She doesn't mean anything to him. Sad. Also, "office etiquette" seemed out of place here. She wasn't in a office so.....

5.) Not much to say here.

6.) That was a little unnerving. I'm surprised she wasn't feeling a bit uneasy about what she was seeing.

7.) So then, she was sort of glancing huh? Interesting.

8.) Ok the conversation was good except who was this Matteo person? He just jumped into the discussion and I didn't even know he was in the room. No intro of him at all.

9.) Not much to say.

10.) Not much to say.

11.) Not much to say.

12.) Ok, the dialogue flowed well and was interesting enough although not much of the story was moved along with it. In fact, I still don't know what the plot is. And btw, an authors comment on what the story is about isn't the answer to what I'm saying. The story itself should provide the necessary info for me to clearly see what the plot is and where the story is going.

Chapter two

1.) Ok, so chapter two, although the dialogue was realistic and all, there were parts of this chapter that weren't interesting like, where to put the sign, and bribe this and that, and other such stuff. I kind of skimmed through some of it. Now, with that said, the chapter read well and was interesting enough to make me read more.

Chapter three.

1.) Your flow of dialogue is excellent, but again, the story isn't moving much. Three chapters and I still don't know what the plot is. Also, no real stuff going on except a lot of talk about sex and this game they are making. I mean, is that the plot? How to make a game or is this game the plot? I don't know. Again, I empathize, if I didn't have the short comment that you made at the start of the book I wouldn't have a clue what the plot is. Please keep that in mind.

Chapter four.

1.) Alright, I think I'll stop here because the story, although is somewhat interesting, it's slowly moving along. Also, I don't really see any kind of power struggle develop here. The boyfriend is like, alright, go see him but I get whatever he gets sort of thing isn't enough to convince me that he even cares for her enough to stop her from going and seeing this other guy. Have you ever watched the movie Night Shift. Well, in this movie, this guy gets hooked up with the woman of the night, gets with her, then get upset at her because she, the next day, is going back to work. He's like, wait a minute, we just made love and now you want to go back to work like what happened between us meant nothing? Really. Nothing changed for you? Now this is what is missing from your story. For me to believe that there is a power struggle going on between these to guys she, the woman they are fighting over, must have value to them, either that, or they must be in competition with each other, which hasn't been established, and that's not what I'm seeing. In fact, what I'm seeing is that they both think she is nothing more than garbage that can be used and tossed away which makes me wonder why they would ever care to fight over her. Anyhow, overall, I rate this a 4 because your writing is very good, meaning it clear, and the dialogue was realistic and engaging at times. Good luck with your book and I hope my comments were helpful.
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