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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Abbers,

This was a very imaginative piece. I read it from first word to last, and your story held my interest all the way through. Beyond just that, your writing demonstrates that you understand important storytelling concepts, such as showing (instead of telling), and pacing. Having just said that, I do have a few suggestions for you to consider as you continue writing.

The first thing I noticed as I read your story was how frequently you began sentences with the pronoun "I." Since you wrote from a first-person point of view in this narrative, one would expect that you use "I" often, of course, but still not quite so much as you did—and even then, in a more varied manner. Fortunately, this is very easy to fix, should you so wish; all you need to do is set the scene a bit more. Sprinkle your writing with descriptive prose to make it more dynamic.

Another thing I noticed was that your language could have been a little tighter in spots. Let me pick out a few instances and show you what I mean:

1. "I punch him in the face and he staggers back, blood pouring from his face."

2. "In fact, it hurts so much that I have a total breakdown."

3. "I start kicking leaves and breaking branches off of trees."

In sentence 1, the second instance of "face" is redundant. You don't need it, as the reader already assumes that if blood pours from somewhere, it will probably be from this man's face. You could say that the man "staggers back, blood pouring to his collar," if you like. Or if you want to redefine the location from which the blood is pouring, you could say something like, "he staggers back, blood pouring from his nose." In any case, just try to avoid redundancies like this.

Sentence 2 demonstrates a moment where you elected to tell the reader what the narrator felt, without showing her how the narrator felt. This particular instance adds nothing to the narrative and should be removed, especially since the sentence that immediately follows it shows the narrator having a violent outburst.

The sentence I chose for sentence 3 follows the sentence I chose for sentence 2. The content of the sentence is important, as it shows the character's breakdown. However, I didn't feel that it went far enough. Describe the rage—how does it feel? Can it be paired with any other sensations? Can you describe it figuratively? Help the reader feel the same way that the narrator does.

Those examples aside, I also noticed some language that seemed out of place: "freezing your butt off," "What a wimp!" and "Puny human!" for example. The language seems too innocent for the seemingly malevolent narrator. I can understand your using it if you're a young writer, but if you are not, you may wish to consider using darker vocabulary that is more in line with your protagonist.

As far as your narrative, itself, is concerned, you did a good job pacing the action. I would have liked to have had some questions answered more clearly, however—for example, What or who is the narrator? Why did she give the growly thing to the man? How did the creature save the man's daughter? What, exactly, does the growly thing have to do with bringing winter?

Your story doesn't need to answer all of those questions. Some of them probably aren't important for the reader to know. But it is important for you to know those answers, yourself, and to share them as you see fit.

I appreciate the time it must have taken you to write this and the hard work you certainly put into this story. I am giving this story three stars because it compelled me to read it all the way through, because I enjoyed the overall narrative, and because it's clear that with some practice you can become a very good writer. Take care, and keep writing!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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