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Review Requests: ON
30 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Depends on the length and type of writing. For short stories, sometimes I'll write notes as I read of things I notice, both good and bad, or just thoughts I have. These tend to be pretty in-depth and take a bit so I wouldn't say I do them often. I do either have to have a good reason to do them, or just be in the mood for them. I generally like to give my thoughts on the big picture at least, and just tend to give it as I think it. This can lead to some bluntness some people don't like, but I also have no problem in praising anything I like. Because I know it frustrates me to not have it, I do also try to make sure I offer suggestions on how to fix the criticisms I point out, and give examples if I can as I know that's what helps me most. Poems, the best I can offer is suggestions of rhythm, rhyming, and word choice. Poetry is so subjective I find it hard to do much more then that.
I'm good at...
Suggestions I'd like to think. I will give my thoughts, but where I thrive is picking out the things that could be altered to up the quality just that much better rather then pointing out potential flaws. I know how subjective things are, I try not to just say criticism. If I am wrong about my abilities here, I am sorry. Feel free to point out if I've done something that goes against what I've said here.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Comedy, Slice of Life
Least Favorite Genres
Romance. I respect it, and I like certain romances, but for the most part I'm extremely picky with it and would be a terrible reviewer for it.
Favorite Item Types
Poems and Short Stories. I have adhd, I'm sorry, there's only so much time I have before my brain shuts down and refuses to go any further.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters and Novels. Again, short attention span, sorry.
I will not review...
Anything involving or even mentioning sexual abuse of any kind. Anything involving the abuse of a child. Anything involving depressed based suicide or self destructive behavior. (I know I sometimes write this, in case anyone happens to notice and question me, but that's a coping mechanism, I can't review it) These are awful triggers for me. I also will avoid stuff with trans folk that heavily centers on them being trans. Trans characters/their struggles as merely an element are OK.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I like! You have a melody here and I very solid and consistent one, it helps that debate feel that calm presentation of a different side but up against how in his poem his emotions ruled the melody.

The melody for most of the stanzas is a classic and simple "down, up, down, up," with each foot defending lower then the last, and your third and forth lines are lower then your first and third.

The classic and consistent beat and melody is what presents that self assured almost cocky disagreement.

Then your words and occasional places where your melody jumps for a syllable or drops for a syllable out of place, brings the teasing tongue in cheek feel. Very much the idea of this confident almost egotistical speaker calmly speaking to a gathering while doing things like holding his hand out to check his nails and dropping clever witty light insults. That casual take you down kinda feel.

And it melds very well with your poems message, this more basic or common desire for beauty this sorta very well known and vain to speaker looking down on a much more grim and done-with-your-shit secluded type. It's a very fun contrast and a very fun voice.

As for comparisons I can definitely see it it's, while a different voice, does totally give that "turning your words back on you" clever wit thing

Because I like melody and yours is much more stable then his, then imma go ahead and point out some of the places

Stanza two the second and forth like swoop up twice instead of beat. And the second swoop is lower then the first, they're also very dynamic and start high and bright, contrasting his more subtle shifts, it almost matches where he had taken a mocking tone and melody during two of his stanzas which then makes me laugh at the idea that this argument started because George mocked the speaker with those stanzas.

Stanza Six is the most dynamic, comes almost as the climax of the debate which is fantastic,
Line One: four 'up, down's that change in tone literally every time I read it, typically it matches the same pattern most of the line does though "gauds" usually goes up a notch high the usual
Line Two: two swoops, second lower then the first
Line Three: is like line one but instead of descending it goes up with each foot
Line Four: is like line two but starts higher.

This creates an
Overdramatic explaim of suprise in 1
This like, dramatic aghast tone and false sense of propriety
Then line four starting higher is like this cocky little finish after having made his mocking point through the drama

Stanza 7:
Lines one and two follow the usual pattern
Three has two swoops, both going up, second ending higher then the first which helps that bragging feel
Line four also has two upper swoops but they start lower and the second is lower the the first, it's a very smug finish.

And then small places:

"Assert goes up higher then the other 'ups', creates this mock sincerity of his disclaimer and respect for the other.

"Released" goes higher then it should, with makes the contrast between it and "bust" give "bust" the first turn of blatent insult, of that sly wit kinda feel

"Ruby" jumps higher then the others, gives this emphasis on that very classic imagry and then again, the contrast to how low "sublime" is gives sublime that sly insult again.

"Meadow" goes higher then "-den" gives this voice like he's now lost that sly edge and is just saying his point casually as though he's not even acknowledging the other.

There were other like, stumbles in the melody but a perfect melody is like finding hay in a needle pile.

You did use a noticeable amount of the fancier language of the other, which amuses me because of my interpretation of the other poem. Both speakers thinks the other a fool. One is loud and blunt about it, unafraid to say it, the other is more subtle in a sort of eye rolling way.

You used some of the same metaphors and language he used which, again, turning your words back on you.

All in all, I like it, it's a fun contrast to the other in so many ways while remaining in the same form in many other ways.

I'm not here to review because no, I do not have the brain space for that after George wacking me in the head over and over again. I'm just here to share my thoughts on what you had offered.

As I read the other poem I wrote down my thoughts, I intend to email that to you for your option to read. I am by no means saying you should, if it doesn't interest you, don't, I'd hate to have someone who's already annoyed with me for making them listen to my ramblings, watch me get wacked in the head multiple times.

However, I send it so that, should you have any desire to, you may understand what I mean by the contrast between the two, and because I personally, love getting a person's thoughts as the read or watch someone I've written or experienced before, it's just fun to see how other people take in the same information you do. To me.

For around to doing this a lot sooner then I thought, and I'm quite happy about it.
2
2
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay! Now to explain why I said "this poem" in the last review:


I also read this one, the troll one, and wrote some notes on it. They were incredibly, like, nitpicky. Remember the list of words in the witch poem that I pointed out before getting to the two real trouble spots? The nonconsequential ones? I found two whole words like them in this, the trolls, poem and that's what I nitpicked at and then stared at the poem for so long trying to think of alternatives to suggest. It's also why I didn't even bother with suggestions to those first words I pointed out in the other, the witch, poem. I knew they were nitpicky and it's so small, and doesn't really matter, and I also just didn't want to think of possible solutions for all of them after thinking of pseudo suggestions to this one, so also a tidbit of me just being lazy.

So just, understand, I read this, the troll, first, wrote notes, felt like they were useless, so checked out the witch one, and found the two lines that were a lot harder. The two that tripped rather then stumbled, and figured I could at least try with that one.

I say this because this is all a confusing mess, and I'm going to end up sending the witch one first since it's the only one with any inkling of value and then this one because I'd feel bad if I didn't.


Now, the things I liked!

I adore the storybook feel to it, you nailed it. Spot on, and the meter/beat was also, like, again, I found two words that maybe kinda sorta tilted it. That was me stretching for something in a panic while I realized how out of depth I was and worried I wouldn't be able to say anything meaningful or helpful. So that was pretty much spot on too.

Dunno if it was because of a prompt, but who doesn't love a story showcasing our childhood classics from the side we always marked bad. Always a win, and the child book style melded so well with that grumbly troll voice and thought process. You have both of those, simultaneously and it's great.

I also learned something today and that was the style of poem. Am I going to be able to remember it's name? No. Am I gonna be able to remember all the rules? No. Am I gonna write one? Maybe. But I love finding new poetry types not to try them, but for the unique pieces they have to offer, things that I can use to inspire parts my own, jumpled up, completely lacking in any professionalism or consistency poetry.

I also got to reaquantice myself with what iambic tetrameter was cause heaven knows I forgot that as soon as I graduated highschool. But it was cool to look those up and then get to look back at your poem and see them in action, because again, I've never used the words, just my own ears, and I don't think I'll be ready to use the words any time soon but, being reacquainted with a business partner is always a bit nice. Kinda. I dunno.


On to those two singular words that really didn't make much difference at all:


3rd line, 1st Stanza

"There's nothing..."

You have, an iambic meter, which after looking that up, is when it starts an an "unstressed" syllable, so, in the term I've always used--cause these words never stick to my brain--the meter starts on a "down", and then goes "down up down up", in a constant beat.

"There", again, has an 'up' for me, especially since "nothing", from the corner of your eye, looks like it starts on an, 'down', unstressed, until you read it and it stresses the way it always does, 'up down,' for some inexplicable reason. Again, I don't get this stuff I just hear it. What I'm trying to say is: over and over again as I read I kept accidentally reading it as a stressed first, some times, not that often. It was only over and over again because of how often I read over them to see if I was crazy or not. "There" especially read as an 'up' if I wasn't paying close attention to the meter. I could follow the pattern, pay attention to it, and let "there" lie on a 'down'. But just smooth read through had an, "up up down", "stressed stressed unstressed."

Now, this could be me, this could be a product of where I was raised vs other areas that may not stress "there".

Just, you know, sharing how I heard it, so you know that I heard it like that, as a reader.

I spent a while staring at it and could think of no alternative without changing the actual line so frankly I don't know what I'm doing here. I can give no suggestions only impressions and I'm sorry.

The only thing I could think of was a rewite to the line, and I don't know how important the line is, but:

"No recipe that trolls like more"

It also, cause when I first read it didn't quite get that Billy Goat with Hollandaise was a recipe or the name of the dish; I just read it like saying, fish with lemon. A thing with a thing that seasons it. To be fair though, I do not know what hollandaise means so that might be why. But, point is, I got confused wondering why they were capital and thinking 'shouldn't it be billy goats?' as in plural and it took me a bit to realize. And so, this line, it goes ahead and sets up that it's a recipe, or a dish. On the other hand, "recipe" is a weird word because the "re-" is definitely stressed, and the "-ci-" is definitely not, but "-pe" kinda sometimes like, only does half a hop. So, not sure it really fixes anything.


Moving on!


Third Stanza, Forth Line

Same thing. "Trolls" is a word that I stressed initially, and then "should"--while I'd also normally stress it--accidentally gets pushed down and then my brain stumbles over it as it's momentum has been jarred.

Once again, stared at it, for a real long time. I considered "I" instead of trolls, but you seem to specifically not start with "I" other then the refrain line, so that's a no. Considered a lot of things, all discarded. Only vague idea I got was "No trolls should be, yet..." But while "should" lays down here for me, I could easily see this having the same problem, especially since, this potential line, if said alone, has whatever is the opposite meter to iambic, and only flips to iambic because of the set up of the lines before it. And it kinda makes the grammar weird. Also, you have no lines, except the refrain, starting with the same word and I already suggested a line beginning with 'no'. I'm just throwing in thoughts in the hope something might in some way be useful.



And again, really neither of these need to be changed because the poem sets up it's rhythm so solidly that most times you're gonna unstress those first lines out of habit.

So, again, so inconsequential, simply here because I wanted to make an effort.



-------<>------



My "criticisms" sections were much longer then the positives, but that's literally just because I'm so mouthy when it comes to trying to explain myself.

I did genuinely like these both, they're not necessarily the type of poetry I enjoy most or seek out, so I don't know much about them, and it's hard to form an eloquent opinion on them when I'm used to getting excited about tempo and poetry body language that matches it's phrase, and the way poems come out of you as you read. These were very structured and intentionally fit to a specific pattern, and I do like those, they're like songs, and when they have a particularly fun beat it's very jazzy, like your witch poem, I just can't really give you much more then that.

On that note, again, I'm used to the melody, body language, and breathing of a poem, so, that's all I'm able to criticize and I would not criticize the body language much, because it was structured, and all I'd really have to go off of are punctuation and like, cacophonous vs euphonious sounds, syllable length--which I did point out, you do tend to stick to shorter syllables--and like, basic stuff like alliteration and what and what not.

You used a lot of g's and b's in your witch poem, but I'm not sure if those were intentional, they do add a nice touch though, they're gutteral sounds, feel witchy. And t's were abundant in your trolls poem which, if intentional, I love, matches that like, coming tapping, or like a clock ticking as he waits, it's very nice even if unintentional. But these aren't criticisms and I'm not even sure if these are things you consider in your poetry.

Beyond that I didn't notice much of what I'm used to looking for, so, all I could really point out were the melody and beats. Melody being the beats that don't obey the usual laws.

I do hope that, at the very least, you are able to take some encouragement from the praise, and I'll consider my job done.



I'm sorry for the sheer wall of text, I tried.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (5.0)
Disclaimer: This Is A Mess, I Tried to Review and I Tried to Clean It Up, but My Efforts Can Only Do So Much. I'm Sorry.


--------<>-------

Alright so, after your review, which was helpful and actually provided suggestions and critique, I wanted to do the same. Then I checked your portfolio and realized I was way out of my depths. I am no academic poet; I know not the fancy words. I just sorta, hear things and, like, pour poetry out of my head. And when I edit for rhythm I don't think in like, professional terms, I'm just like "where are the ups and downs? Do they match? No? Okay then wrestle with them til they do."

You are obviously far more proffessionally intentional and knowledgeable and experienced then I am, so I considered just, like, 'nope'ing myself out, or just a simple review of like "oh I like this and this and this" but I came here for a reason, and I figured I'd at least try even if everything I say ends up being wrong. It's cool.


---------<>----------


This Poem:


One: this was fun! The beat was fun, the mood was fun, the whole thing was just, a delight to read. It's pretty easy to pretty quickly get that old witch voice in your head (helped, I'm sure, by the picture and title)

I really like the break from the pattern of the last line in each sganza, it just, it slows you down from where the solid, fun beat from before, and how most of your words haveing quick syllables, had steadily been speeding up the rhythm through the stanza. Then that last one just brings you back down in a very easy glide.

Especially the first stanza. The ones after it don't really glide, but they still slow you down which is nice because it gives that time to think about what was just read, since quick solid beats can often get you to just start to follow the beat blindly like, listening to a song, and start to forget to actually take in what you're reading. Might just be me though, I am very adhd. That fact about me will became ever more proven throughout the rest of my reviews, I'm sorry.


But point is, it's nice, I like.

Speaking of beats, meter, whatever the term for it is, the 'ups' and 'downs' of words, the stressed vs unstressed. This one's mostly "up, down, up, down, up, down." I'm sure you get what I mean. Whatever the opposite to iambic is.

There were a few places where it kinda went a little wonky in my first read through though, and still sometimes does.

The first part I'm going to rapidfire (as rapidfire as I can being as loquacious as I am) some words that are more nitpicky then anything. These can be mostly ignored, I'm pointing them out out of, I dunno, duty or somethin.



1st Stanza, 3rd Line:
It usually goes how it's supposed to, but sometime, and I don't know why, it goes 'up, up, down, down', for "Thinking of the" could just be me.

2nd Stanza, 2nd Line:
"Sagging" is a weird word, "sagg-" only does like, a half jump for me, it's more stressed then unstressed but not quite as stressed as normal stressed syllables. This makes no sense to me, don't stress if what I'm saying makes no sense to you. (See what I did there? Haha ✨puns✨)

3rd Stanza, 5th Line
"Could" is also weird. I'd definitely call it a 'down', but it is slightly higher then the following "a", but it sounds off after the steady 'up's and 'down's because the line feels like it starts on a 'down'.

In fact, this stanza, the third, has a couple more weird words really: "Centuries" (up, down, slightly higher but still down) "Dangerous" (Up, down, even more down) so the first line kinda dragged at first, and the last line jars and then dragged at the end.

Last Stanza, Last Line
"Broomstick" has pretty much the same amount of emphasis on both syllables, again, weird word. I could slightly kinda see how "broom-" might be a little more emphasised.



Now, litterally all of the spots that I just mentioned, are eh, inconsequential. They feel off if I just read it casually, but if I read it and intentionally follow the beat, then they fall in line and it's all good. "Could" was the worst of those.

All this could just be me, specifically me, and how I read it. There's totally the possibility I read some of these words weird, I'm a very melodic person, things aren't quite so simple as "up and down" for me, "stressed or unstressed" so to speak. There's a range of emphasis words can have and it all melds together and effects each other in different ways. Many words flow for me, and don't beat. So, that's, another disclaimer I guess.

Also: I'm noooot as experienced as you, so I would never suggest anything replacements I suggest is better intrinsically then what you wrote, but I do hate to criticize without suggestion so, for everything following this disclaimer, I do try my best to give suggestions. Suggest.


But there are two lines in this poem that are, hard to force into beat, and they come one right after the other.


Stanza Two, Line 4 +5


Line 4:
It can start off good, but "covered" is again, one of those equally stressed words so sometimes I did read it as 'down, up', which did not help the rest., Then "in" is pretty solidly a 'down', and "bats" is pretty solidly an 'up', "guts" is also an 'up' but I believe that one is supposed to be an 'up', but "bats" kinda beats it out and forces it 'down' which then causes "newt" to go 'up' and "jelly" to go 'down, up', but they feel unnatural that way--cause they are--and the whole just ended up hard to go through. Had to read it multiple times and even then I couldn't figure it out so I just kinda skipped over it, just took in the meanings of the words, and kept reading.

As for suggestions:

"Covered, bat guts and newt jelly" That one's not grammatically correct but has the same idea
Or
"Drenched in bat guts and newt jelly" 'Drenched' is quite different from 'covered' but its grammatically correct with no punctuation stops in strange places, however, 'and' is barely a stressed word, so, pros and cons.


The 5th Line:
Much simpler: "spell" is pretty solidly a 'down', like, even just saying it by itself it breaths low (god I need to learn technical terms this is a mess to describe). Since it's a 'down' it throws you off because so are "would" and "ca-" so you have three 'downs' and you just glide down, also "-phe" kinda has to be forced to be an 'up', so you have two glides in one line (not in tempo, like I talked about with the last line of the fifth paragraph, in beat) in a poem that's been mostly all very rigorous 'up, down' and it follows right after the forth line and the whole effect was just, difficult, to read because of the established beat.

"Might cause/would cause" isn't quite the definite 'down' of "spell" for me, but cause could go either way so it's much like the end of catastrophe.

Also "would mean" is better, but it still goes *down* though and I cannot figure out why every word I try in that spot goes *down*

So, my best suggestion which completely changes the line and I'm sorry, would be "I want a wash but not catastrophe" (I put wash instead of bath cause it's more melodic to me and you have two cases of saying "bath" and one "bathing" no "wash" and one "washing" so doing this means no repeated words; it's purely personal preference) however, you never start a sentence with "I" so that may be intentional and this may break that I dunno. And "not" is a weak 'up'. That's the best I can think of.

My conclusion is in another review and I am sorry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
For short stories, I write as a read, so forgive me if something I ask or point out is something resolved or explained later in the story.

Right off the bat I'm a bit confused by the breaks in the paragraphs, it may be intentional, I'll be looking for a reason as I read, but if it's not I'd highly recommend going through and fixing those.

"...for as long as I can remember." And "It all started..." essentially mean and do the same thing and "It all started..." comes off a little cliche, forced, especially for a dialogue, to me at least. Also, "...as long as I can remember..." is contradictory to "...when I was around ten." as most people have memories before ten, granted, dialogue, people usually aren't going to notice the contradictory nature when talking, but it's there, and it jumbles the paragraph. May I suggest, "Back when I was ten, I finally had..." It flows a bit more from the last sentence, at least in my head, and the "finally" implies she has been a romantic for as long as she could remember and that before ten she just dreamed of finding a love.

The "...continues Rachel." feels out of place, why is her speaking cut off at that point? Did she pause? Was there a hand movement? A change in posture? Typically you're going to want to have a reason for cutting into what a person is saying.

Is she giving a speech? I'm not picturing a lady who's doing some kind of late night talk show interview explaining how she got the concept of some book she wrote lately. That kind of feel because of how, forced, her lines are. They sound premeditated. If that's intentional, ignore this, but if not, you may want to consider changing something about the way you're telling this story. Could phrase it as not speaking, but a forth wall breaking narrator, and giving it that like, beginning of a movie setting up the scene sorta feel, but even then having it in first person would seem strange and even then it seems like some lines would still come off as out of place.

"That's because..." is a good example of what I mean, that sort of strict transition gives off prewritten speechy vibes.

Third paragraph now, I am now 95% certain this is a speech so the criticisms from earlier, no longer stand unless by some unfortunatality it's not a speech. In which case I'd suggest take a step back and considering what you're trying to get across and the best way to do that style wise.

> O h n o honey, baby, he is six years older then you, there are better options.

> O h n o , he's only at *least* sixteen, ji's'a bad

> Jhejejbdjwbd aaahhhhhhh n o, not when you're 12 not *ever* that kid is almost an *adult*

> "I don't even think he knew I existed." **Good.**

The breaths, describe them, let us get an idea of why she's breathing at these parts. Is it a slow controlled breath suggestion she is calming herself? A deep breath as though launching into a more imoactful part of the story? A soft breath as shes cast back into the memories?

This might just be me but "Continues Rachel" sounds weird where it is, I don't know why, so I can't explain it, but it really seems like it should be "Rachel continues"

> Him being 18 doesn't suddenly make the relationship a horrible idea, it was already a horrible idea

As an asexual finding partners who wouldn't pressure you into sex is, I mean, the idea that out of fifty relationships all or even almost all, she couldn't find any who weren't sexually charged? Nothing worth lasting for a while?

W a i t, is she talking to a therapist? Well, actually, I suppose some people do go to counselors with a practiced speech to explain a particularly difficult subject or memory. I dunno.

"... what happened, what did happen..." That's almost the same phrase twice inna row, may I suggest, "Speaking of what happened, do you think you're ready to talk about it now?"

Her next actions seem weird. Saying she suddenly stopped, then means that, for her earlier response, with a pause in it no less, she had continued to pace. Then just stops, *after* having responded and not showing signs of distress, and goes up to him to demand in a vaguely threatening manner that he stop asking. I mean, if you're trying to make her come off as unhinged, which I could totally see why in the context of the story, good job.

I will say, the note from the doctor about her saying the same thing every time does explain the speech like monologue.

On that though, the idea that they spent all of every session except ten minutes just in silence, seems strange. Many doctors are different but my psych would just ask me if I wanted to cut the session short if I didn't engage with any of her questions and didn't give any information because those are just days where Im, just not up to it. But I suppose the man gets paid to be with her for an hour so, it's probably a nice break haha.

Your usage of "continues Rachel" or "Rachel continued" is, very repetitive. You may have done that on purpose but I can't see a reason why, and if not, I'd highly recommend finding a few different transitions and phrases for it.

"Only after..." Was she not breathing before? Or refusing to let herself breath deeply? May I suggest, "Once she..." Instead of "After she..."?

Also why isn't the therapist saying anything about the whole, crush on a 16 year old thing? That's highly concerning behavior, maybe not in the present but if I heard that, I'd definitely dig into her childhood to make sure this, crush, was a one time thing (unlikely considering she was talking about how shes fallen in love so much) and if it wasn't, make sure her crushes weren't on those that much older then her because her getting a crush on the wrong person is all it would take for this "romance" to take a very very dark turn, not only that but how quick and superficial her crushes are, make her a kid that would be very susceptible to grooming.

Okay yeah no this woman is absolutely unhinged, I get the weird speech and actions now.

"Why are you telling me this?" Because he's her counselor and he asked?

So, the therapist is just, letting her take her shirt off because she's going to tell the rest of the story? I mean it's good that she stopped herself but still. I'm highly questioning this therapist.

Her repeating the same thing over and over again, if done intentionally, is good. I just still worry it's not.

Pft, her sighing and then just immediately answering the question gives off the vibe that she wanted him to keep digging and now that he's not she's disappointed. Gives her a sense of narcissism. If intentional, I like.

That was a weird response from the therapist again, he just, immediately dismisses her? Without trying to close down the conversation naturally at all? That's an easy way to make a patient feel like you don't care about them. Is he supposed to be shown to be not good for her? Cause again, if intentional, you're nailing it and it's brilliant.

Oh wait. It's an interrogation. Why would he sit there for so long in silence before she said the same thing every day though, the whole point of being in there would be to interrogate her. If she was unresponsive I'm pretty sure they'd give up after a bit. And why specifically an hour? If she's about to give them what they need why in the world would he cut them off?

Is the scene after the scene break supposed to come off as robotic and off kilter? I'm, really confused as to these things because while, if intentional, they can definitely be used to covay mood and underlying tones but a lot of the, uh, style choices? Not sure if that's the right phrase, but style choices, are things that are also common writing flaws. I really cannot get a grip on it.

Yeah see now the style is obviously intentional. "But something is... always does." Is fantastic for showing the sort of ticking unhingedness to her thoughts. It's a personal favorite technique of mine as I do a lot of stream of consciousness shorts about unhinged people.

I suppose at this point my suggestion is, I dunno, make your intentional style choices feel more intentional? I don't know how your do that. Perhaps exaggerate them? Don't know where that would cross the line though.

To be honest, at this point I'm not sure I'm the kind of person who can provide a good review to you. I have no idea what genre or purpose this story has, I'm completely unfamiliar with the style. I will continue though, as perhaps having the perspective of a reader who doesn't understand this might help in some way. I know it would me, if someone who didn't understand stream of consciousness and background action and progressive disassociation, were to read my work and tell me what they thought of the pieces of it.

Oh gosh, for a second there when she was smiling and talking about how it wasn't wrong I totally thought she was planning to murder him and was getting excited for it.

From here on out I'm moving forward with the assumption that, yes this lady has a few screws loose, and that yes, the places I questioned are in fact intentional.

Her claim on finding her true love, when we know he's not, does also contribute to that feeling of her like, muddied view on things due to her light insanity. She doesn't see the world for what it is, she sees whatever her mind creates, from 18 year old boys being attracted to 12 year olds because she had a crush, and now to her viewing a man who has shown an obvious sign of being a shitty dude as her true love, shows that veil over her eyes. I'm sure he's shown many red flags over the course of their relationship, but she doesn't see them, doesn't see how this love of hers could be wrong, same as her crush on the boy when she was ten.

He says "I understand." But so far their communication has been nonverbal. Him leading with an intentional pressure saying he wants the night to turn to sex, and her pulling away saying she's not interested right now. Usually when people propose something and then get reject nonverbally, it's not spoken of, just ignored. Like reaching out to take someone's hand and them not taking it. You just put your hand back down and move on with the conversation, if feeling a bit awkward for it.

Oh, seems they've already had a conversation about taking their relationship there.

Manipulative fuck is manipulative.

"I think I will..." "...what I am..." The lack of contractions giving the sentences a choppy feel also contributes to the underlying vibe of her mental state.

Tiffany's response seems strange, she starts out sounding accusatory and then turns to complaining, can't tell if she's upset with him or not.

May I suggest "we should just give up" and "move on" instead of "go to" Tiffany would talk normal right? Then again she is planning on some crime presumably so who knows. Maybe everyone here is insane.

✨Money✨ Gotta love the good ol' fashioned "fuck 'em and steal their money"

She's very lost in these thoughts of true love and this idealism of how relationships and sex works. Again, contributes well to painting her disconnect with reality

Who left the door ajar? I presume she did but why would Tiffany come out before hearing the door close, there would still be a chance Rachel could come back, having forgotten keys or something. And upon not hearing the door shut wouldn't Gregory go to see why it's not been closed?

"Before she can announce..." I'd recommend breaking this up a bit more, continue to give that short action and sensation sentences to really give off that feel of absolute denial she would be in because of *course* he wouldnt cheat, that's not how true love works. Something like, "She goes to accounce she's there. A sound from upstairs interrupts her. She goes to check it out." Those simple almost childrens book like feel. Stuff like that through out the slow progression to Gregory's room, each short sentence setting the mood on edge just a little bit more as the reader knows what's going on and already has an underlying sense of suspension and the sentences would add to that. You could even start out with normal sentences and then get progressively shorter to symbolize this growing dissacotiation in her head as she blocks out the reality that would become clearer and clearer the closer she gets.

"Then she... the frame" I'd recommend that as it's own sentence to go along with what I was saying before. Simple sentences, denial.

And then the suspense breaks with her seeing them, so I'd recommend that being it's own line like.
"...frame of his bedroom door. Then she steps into the frame.

She see's he's in bed with another woman.

'I guess you weren't so tired...'"
Gives it that punch.

"So, he isn't..." this quick bounce back and acceptance really nails home that these loves and crushes of hers aren't really love, just idealized fantasies in her head she likes. It ends. She moves on. It wasn't her true love. Wasn't that ideal. And just like that her 'feelings' for him wash away.

"She tries the... it open." These are good, in fact I'd recommend getting rid of the "now" to chop it more.

And on that note may I suggest another stylization you could use the hammer in your point. Make her thoughts use different language/sound then her actions and sensory information. Keep those short, basic sentences, but maybe give her thoughts long run on sentences, give this feeling of just how lost in her head she is, how disconnected from reality. Then you can clip a sentence here or there in her thoughts to make it have a punch.

I wouldn't have her talk. Don't let her enter back into the world, keep her in her head.

How would throwing the wine into a fire get wine everywhere in the room? I assume the bottle breaks on impact but itd be in the fire, some might get around the fire from a splash but I'm not sure it would get everywhere. Maybe have her pour it out in lines over the room before leading it back to the fire, allowing it to catch and follow the lines back?

I'd recommend breaking the last scene off the way you switched around earlier.

So it was an accident? You may want to consider a better way to cast things then as, again, still unsure how the wine would get all over the room much less give it enough fuel to burn everything so quickly. Papers maybe? Those make fire *so mad.*

Wouldn't they know she didn't know she and the cat died from the beginning? From the way she acted and spoke about her story? Perhaps have him just say "after all, she doesn't know..."

How dare you suggest a cat died you heathen >:(

--------<>--------

Okay so, overall I don't know how I feel. It still borders between kinda maybe seeming intentional and also kinda maybe seeming unintentional.

If intentional, my highest recommendation is to be more intentional. If you're going to take such a strange style, then own it, commit. Unique stylization can be super cool and fun, I should know, it's like all I do, but you have to pull the reader into that uniqueness, when it's such an elemental part of your story, you have to give it almost more attention then you do the actual story. You're conveying a strange reality, and you don't exactly start off very subtle or hidden about it, so there's not a lot of like, slowly making the reader realize they're in a strange reality. There is a sense of steadily growing stranger reality, but it starts off obviously broken. Most of your strange reality comes, not through what's told, but that broken offset writing, so it's highly highly important. My recommendation is "Intention Combing"

It's something I do with my works since I can't rely on conventional standards or lessons of writing to edit my work. My work is, again, very stylized and I make parts of it intentionally confusing, or intentionally using the wrong words, or repeating phrases, or intentionally running sentences together, or copying sentences in places they shouldn't be, making strange pieces of sentences stand on their own. All things a reviewer could absolutely go through my work and point out as criticism.

So, I can't use standard criticism. Thus, Intention Combing. Go through your piece carefully, taking each sentence at a time, consider what might be strange about it, how it interacts with those around it, what it leads to and what's built it's stand. And then ask yourself, why is this strange? What does this strange do? What does it contribute? What does it say? If it's nothing, it shouldn't be there. If you have to force yourself to come up with a reason that it *could* be good, it shouldn't be there. Now, that being said, your subconscious also writes with you so you may not immediately know why something is the way it is.

But there's a difference between like, realizing you've repeated the word "eyes" five times in a paragraph and then telling yourself it's to give a sense of being watched or make sure the reader knows the eyes are a focus, and realizing you've repeated the word eyes five times in a paragraph and, upon thinking about it, realizing a hyperfixation on the eyes gives your story a climax of panic at being watched on behalf of your main character, to make the reader feel the characters hyper awareness of every eye that watches them, the way it cuts through the characters brain again and again and again.

And even then, upon realizing that reason, you can actually then take that and build on it. So the character is having a moment of panic at being watched, this is their climax, the point where they break, have the sentences start jumbling, rambling, pick words that are spoken quicker so the passage starts speeding up for the reader, make them feel that downward spiral.

I think this could be genuinely a very cool story, and I obviously love a good story from the perspective of an unhinged unreliable narrator. I just wish I could have seen more of that, that I could have started the story off with the immersion into the offset reality, and been able to really dig into the various cracks and dents in the writing and found that underlying story.

If it wasn't intentional, I would highly recommend you take out a fresh doc and consider what style would convey your story best before altering and then being intentional with that style.

The story itself is not the important part here, the important part is the mood and tone and immersion.

The ending, I love a good ending twist that leaves a reader with questions, but this one also seems almost random. There's usually signs and hints that readers don't notice while reading that hit them at the end that creates that really fun "*waitwhat?*" Feeling, that makes you go back and find all those things you missed and are suddenly glaring in your head, that make your questions become ever more agonizing in the need to have then answered because all you have are hint after hint after hint that yields *nothing.* You have a little bit of that in the white uniforms, which is a perfect example of what I mean. Reading the end brought back to mind the quick question I had and then dismissed of "why are their uniforms white" and when it pops up, I know it's connected, I know I missed it, and I only have more questions for it. Adding more of that could really make your ending have that explosion of spikes through the mind of a reader I think you were looking for.

So, I guess my overall overall statement is, I hope you keep exploring things like this. Again, you've got these hints of brilliance and a solid base to launch yourself from, it could be magnificent and it may just be a practice thing, so I hope you continue with these works because I think you could make some solid unexplainably unnerving fiction. And I am *all for* that shit.

I do wonder what you would think of my pieces, this is not some subtle fishing for a review at all, so don't take it that way, but I would like to extend an indentation to read my short "Out." Which is, a lot more uh, glaringly obvious of stylization and mental fuckery then I think you were trying to achieve here by a long shot, but it might help understand some points I've made here, and if you read it and realize that my writing is not at all what you're going for or would want, then you can set my perspective on your story off to the side knowing you don't want to go in the direction I point. Again though, please don't take this as some like, plea for attention, I hate when people do that and would hate for someone to think I was doing that. This is a suggestion in pursuit of helping you and nothing else.

I really do hope you dive more into the corner of writing I exist in though, it's fantastic and I think you'd fit the jagged pieces of it well. And if all of this was unintentional, I really really *really* suggest you try to do stuff like this intentionally, you may find you've got a talent you didn't know of that's been trying to show itself to you.

Hope this, somehow, even though it's an absolute clutterfuck of a mess, helps!







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hmm, I should fully read descriptions before reading pieces. I just saw that it was a poem and figured I'd give a review.

I say this to say I came in with an outside point of view, assuming this poem was the whole story, which I say because I think the poem has merit as it's own thing.

Now, it may just be me, but as I read, I could relate to it in my writing journey, where when I begun, I always tried to write the happy, and the grand. Yet, as it always has, horror and anguish bled through the lead of my pencil into what I wrote. I spent so long fighting it before just, giving in, letting my muse be what it's always been.

I think a lot of people can relate or at least understand the emotion of that. Of trying so hard to be an image of perfection in one way or another, to put on the face of what you want to be, or what the world around you says you should be, but eventually giving into that inner sirens call. Becoming something a little darker, a little more broken, a little more selfish in the act of being true to yourself.

What I'm saying is, you've written a solid poem.

I recognize and love the repeatition of the first stanza. The structure of the sentences and the "distrust, disclaim, disdain."

And "honor bleeds from burning eyes" tickles my soul.

As for suggestions on change, the 5nd line of the 1st stanza, the 2nd of the 2nd, and the 3nd of the last, their beats seems a bit off.

You have a, I'm probably using the wrong word here, I've never been an academic poet, very solid meter.

3
4
3
4
*4*
4

4
*4- or five*

4
*3*
4
4

The first and last stanzas have patterns that are broken by the noted lines. Now, there are reasons a peom can break it's pattern to eh, get across a theme or meaning in what is essentially poetry body language.

The first granted, could be a way to mark the end of the stanza, but I don't see why that'd be important. The third idea doesn't seem as though it is intended to be more significant then the others and the short length of the next stanza gives it the impact it needs so it doesn't seem to break the pattern in order to set it off for the next stanza.

The last seems off because, generally as far as I know, if you have a rhyming meter at the end of a poem--especially if the last has a classic four lines--that is all the same except the third-to-last line, which falls short, the expectation for the last line to match--and then it not matching--gives it an impact. A bit of punch. However that punch is already there thanks to your ": " break and the build up of what is essentially four short lines set in two. So once again, I can't see why the break would be there.

The middle one is just confusing, ivory is a weird word. At least in the dialect that I grew up in as an eastern American, Ivory has a stressed first syllable, and then two unstressed instead of one. It drags. Unless you stress the "ry" which gives you five syllables which makes it the only line to do so, yet doesn't seem as though it is intended to be more significant then the one that follows, much less more significant then every other line. So, what you have is either a line with an ending that drags, which causes a, like, you know when a record scratches for a second in the middle of a song? Your poem is very structured, has a very solid beat, and ivory is that scratch in the poem's song. That or you have an extra syllable and make the line stick out like a bit of a sore thumb.

I hope you understand what I mean, I'm terrible at explaining things.

But these things seem out of place, and that makes a good reader take a closer look at them to try to find out why, and perhaps I'm simply being dense--which is very much a possibility--but I cannot find a reason in my searching. So they only serve to pull me out of the poem and rhythm.

So, finally moving into my suggestion, maybe consider word choice and see if you can't find words that give the same meaning but either add or cut a syllable? Make the whole thing flow.

I really do hope you understand all of that, I'd hate to make you read the whole thing only to get nothing out of it. I hope it helps, I'm sorry if not.

I'd also like to point out that, grammatically speaking, the ":" should be a ";" as long as I'm remembering my grammar right. I can see why you'd have it the way it is though, it does separate that last half of the line just a bit more.

Over all, I like the poem, I, in fact like the poem as it's own, uh, sun? Center of gravity? I don't know how to describe the vibe in my head, it's own thing basically, more then I like it as a trinket to the story.

So all around good job.

Hope this helps! And wasn't two confusing haha


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I write this as I read, so forgive me if some of my notes are things resolved or explained later in the story.

This is purely opinion, there's no hint of criticism in this first note. That being said, hooks for romance I feel are better started with description to set up tone. Jumping right into a character doing an action always felt to me more like an action/adventure/drama start. But again, I don't think either are actually better like, writing wise, you could do either and it wouldn't hurt the writing in anyway I feel is what I'm getting at.

In the cold street? I feel like that should be "on" and not "in"

I don't know if you did this intentionally yet, haven't read enough, but so far in the beginning, the like, every sentence being purely action or sensory gives a feel of like, that she's disoriented and is just kinda doing and not really thinking, which I think is very good if that's what you're going for.

I like the dropping of "human" without explanation. You don't give exposition to explain why she calls them humans, she just does, because that's her usual, and it gives the reader like a, ears perking up kind of moment where it's like "oh? What's this about?"

"She could be a part time alcoholic any time she wanted to be." That line made me snort.

Ah, and now we are getting her thoughts and it gives a sense that's she's starting to settle and get into the game so to speak. Again, if intentional? Awesome job. If not, take notes from your subconscious writing, it's good.

May I recommend a little more body language being added? Her thoughts give good, but adding body language makes a character feel more real and gives a better idea of the kind of person and feeling, especially for quieter moments without a lot of action. Like having her lean her head back with a sense of "this is pointless" or have her rub at a temple or touch/push down the bridge of her nose in a sign of frustration, have a leg bouncing if she's got some underlying anxiety or agitation, that sort of stuff.

You're missing a space between "noticeable." And "She"

And on that note of that sentence, I like the small detail of "her jealousy staring into her cup" instead of her staring into her cup. Just a turn of phrase I appreciate.

The bartender is just handing her drinks left and right. I will question the pacing here, her having this many drinks makes it feel like time is passing pretty quickly through this part, for her. If this is intentional, great, but if not add more between drinks, slow things down, give it the sense of the time she's waiting and the growing agitation (if she's feeling that. Haven't read to see yet but I imagine she would be)

Okay so I'm a little confused, she's either had three shots in a row and is now sipping a mixed drink (she ain't playin round is she haha) or she's had three shots, one unknown drinks (the comment of her staring at her cup) and is now nursing a mixed drink. The first option makes more sense time wise, she hasn't been waiting and now that I've read a little about it and realize she wasn't waiting for a potential no show blind date, but her friend who is garenteed to show up, the quicker series of drinks makes more sense so I assume that's it. I just mention this so you know I as a reader, got stuck on that part, things like that can take you out of the story.

You have Jest walking into the building, and then sit down, and somewhere in between shout "damn," because of the series of events first assumption is he said "damn" after entering the door, not before sitting down so you get this imagine of a guy entering and then just shouting over everyone "Damn!" Which, like, again, just telling you my perception so you know what a potential reader might read. Maybe clarify with something like (I don't know if she can see him or not, I assume not as she's turned around and this whole aura thing has to do with the whole not human thing) her sensing him moving closer or close behind her, and then have him say damn, so it doesn't cause that "this man just shouted over the whole club, oh no wait no never mind he's sitting probably was just behind her"

I can't tell if the bartender hesitates out of fear that this man is going to start downing drinks as quickly as the girl but that's what I thought and I find that funny.

"It was her turn to pick up the drinks." Feels a bit jarring, may I suggest tagging it to the previous sentence with a "... on her tab as it was her turn..." You may want to keep it as is thought because the succinct nature of the sentence gives off a sort of, like, snappy feel to her mood, and if you want to pursue that, it would do great to have more sentences that are short and clippy. Makes her sound a bit more on edge.

How does he know how many drinks she's had? Does she still have the shot glasses in front of her? Maybe clear that up. It's a small detail though, I'm sure anyone who wasn't carefully picking through your writing wouldn't second guess it like me.

You've capitalized "Thera" so I can't tell if she's giving her name and talking in third person, or that's the name of her species as species names are usually lowercase.

I'm confused about her "Yeah, the fangs.." is she being sarcastic here? Or is she implying that he has those things and therefore doesn't drive people off, implying that she has worse. Again, might be good to clear that up.

I like their exchange, it feels pretty natural and like casual friend talk, her respondes are also still kinda clippy and dulled with the "Eh" which, if you're trying to paint her as like, really not wanting to be here and kinda done with this bullshit, you're succeeding.

"You have *standards." That made me chuckle.

The description of Jest's form I think does a good idea to add to the air of otherworldliness of these people as thera.

You seem to imply thera are a casual part of society (if seen as exotic or rare) which I also think is cool. I've always liked stories with supernatural creatures that are just, there. Not like, having to hide or be secret and all that. But this is just an opinion of mine.

I appreciate that you have them exchanging quips without laughing. I too often see friend exchanges that are more comedic that are written with the characters giggling at everything which is, just not realistic, so again, good friend dialogue.

I also like the casualness of the strange features of the Thera being added in. There was no expositions explanation of what they looked like because to the main character, whose name I have totally forgotten sorry, these are just things that exist. They're casual.

I don't understand the comment from Jest where he suddenly becomes serious, but you may be intentionally keeping that vague and without explanation on purpose, could totally see that.

Aw, Ruby is shy, I like the change from this sort of eye twitching, I'd rather be anywhere then here to just suddenly being like, "how flirt" when actually faced with this date. Very cute.

Pft, Jest is just like "Welp, my job here is done. Now *food.*"

Oh, so he's not a thera, so she does have different features then him. That explains one of my earlier comments.

I do still really like the characterization of Ruby, quite realistic and relatable without being too tropey in my opinion.

I would avoid questions in writing like this, may I suggest "She tried to remember how long it had been." Or something along those lines. Could just be a personal preference though.

I would normally suggest against going into first person thoughts, but it does work for this more personal style and genre and youve handled it well so far. I only mention this because I wanted to warn to keep a close eye on things like that in the future. It can very quickly turn against you and bring down your writing.

Ruby is really just "Nope."ing herself out of there haha

For cut offs I would recommend using - instead of ..., I was always taught that ... were less professional and to be avoided.

Then again, she's trailing off, not cutting off. Honestly I don't know, up to you.

Aw, prickly baby is breaking down poor thing

Accidentally asks your date on a date in order to explain why you tried to run from your date.

Waffle house is also open at that hour. Originally I typed that as an amusing though but now that I think about it, maybe consider changing the location? McDonalds has a hint of comedy to it, but Wafflehouse is a very chill place where you go to have breakfast in the middle of the night and talk to people about things you normally wouldn't. Also, imo, and I sincerely don't know why, but waffles match with lesbians really well. Again, no idea why, but they do.

The slowing down of the pace with Ruby's thoughts and descriptions gives off a good feel of her like, detachment a bit from reality in this moment, so again, if that's what you're going for good job.

Yeah see, "Those five years..." Is one of those cases where I feel like the first person thought feels unneeded and so out of place and doesn't fit as well. It's one thing to use it for like a "Fuck" sort of thought but this would easily just be changed to "Those five years were the best years of her life." And I don't think anything would change in the meaning but it would feel more introspective. Wouldn't draw you out of her line of consciousness.

"What if she..." I guess could go either way, it is a bit of a strike of realization, but it could easily be turned into a "A thought crossed her mind bringing with it a flash of [emotion], she considered that Josie may not even associate with thera." I dunno, may just be me.

With the first person thoughts that follow, again, I could see it either way, they don't I guess, take away from the writing, and they do give a sense of an internal panic, but without them you have this internal monologue that feels more like a thought spiral or worries or anxiety. You're choice, neither is really better then the other like, objectively speaking.

All the thoughts with small actions between them give a good sense for this stretching silence between the two, I would actually recommend adding a few more small actions in there so you can still feel time moving even as she thinks she's just, stuck in her head for this time.

The mention of that pack is starting to tip this whole, ambiguous information given from cool and attention grabbing, and, for me as a reader, I'm not everyone, starting to be too much. The more space details I have to remember and questions I have to hold in my head the more jumbled it gets and so later when answers are given it can be hard to untangle everything and understand the answers. Of course, then again, that gives the story good second readability which is something I enjoy so, again, up to you what sort of thing you want to go for.

"Let's go grab something to eat" and then they get ice cream haha

"You left me behind." I would recommend describing what her voice is doing here to give a feel of her emotion. Is it softer and quieter with sadness? Hardened with a that frustrated anger? Questioning in an appeal for answers?

Ruby's retelling of the story, does she struggle at all to tell it? It feels like the kind of bad past event people kind of, have to force out of themselves. I'd maybe recommend pauses between her words before the difficult parts like saying she was attacked. Course that may not match the character voice for you, so I wouldn't count it any worse to not have that.

Again, with Ruby's further explanation I'd recommend more body language to convey her emotions, the sigh kind of does that, but there are multiple ways to sigh. Examples could be, gripping at her hair as if the memory causes emotions to well up that she fights back, sinking down into her shoulders and turning a head as though hiding from the reaction of Josie and the memory of what happened, a hand threaded through her hair pressed to the side of her head, eyes wide and darting about as she starts to reach an internal desperation to explain herself. Those sorts of things depending on what she's feeling.

Again, with the following responses, descriptions of voices would really add to it.

Ah, they're werewolves. Seems a bit strange that werewolves have a different name here but incubi don't but then again, the word werewolves is a bit of an awkward mouthful isn't it.

Aw, they're being cute, it's cute, I like them

The kiss does seem a tad sudden to me, they just reconciled, but then again I'm very aroace so I have no idea what's realistic in these cases.

"The word was clumsy..." See like that! That's great, I would highly recommend more of that.

Aw, Jest coming through to be even more of a fantastic friend I like him

"There were unspoken..." I like this, give this idea that these are stories she doesn't need because she can always hear them later when Ruby is ready, gives a feel that they're really stepping off on a new foot here and are gonna stick together

"Josie pointed..." Yeah, that, see, that, more of that. Body language and voice descriptions, they're great. Though may I suggest a "gestured" instead of "pointed"?

I'm not sure how I feel about this shift in tone. You've spent the story up to the point of Ruby noticing something's wrong in a very casual way, if emotional. It centered around interaction and has rocked that. This shift into a more actiony/drama feel, I dunno. It stands really strong with its focus so far, the change almost steals that for me as a reader I suppose.

The trenchcoat is a bit on the nose isn't it? I mean, who wears them besides evil people/bad guys.

I like his face. I'm a horror writer so the whole, splitting mouth full of teeth and long tongue is right up my alley. This isn't helpful to you cause this is literally just me.

Gah, see, Ruby has been really fun as a more relatable casual character and now she's a super powered being. I mean, its your story and the more I think about it and this whole, lead up to this dramatic tragic past event and this, I'm realizing this is more of a drama sort of story then a casual character interaction one. So I guess my message is turning less from criticism and more to a suggestion that you try out a story that's more casual, gentler, intimate. I think you'd be good at it.

Bad guy is very cliche. I would recommend brainstorming a bit of a more unique personality to him, make him feel like an actual person, more real, not just an archetype.

How did she get the blade out his hands, does she hand hands? I'm envisioning a wolf at this point and he stabbed her stomach. I don't think wolves can twist their heads down like that can they?

Wait if he has hands and is a thera then I'm assuming the earlier description of his face wasn't a horrific creature but a shift into a more wolf like form. Does he have a solve head right now? Cause he bit her so I assume so, it's just a confusing visual.

Wait her forearm? So she got the knife with a hand? Does she have hands? I'm awfully confused at this point.

Wait how did she smash his face into his ground how low is he?

I mention my confusion here because for action scenes and fighting scene the visual is very important and if it's muddled it can take away from the scene really bad. I'd highly recommend going through and clarifying so the descriptions match what's in your head.

These first person thoughts aren't any sort of realization, they're just thoughts, it at this point that they kind of start to take away from the writing, makes her feel less serious.

We get no sense for emotion on Ruby's part at the end. Right before it I totally get the lack of emotion as she's probably numb, but her having the self deprecating thoughts of being a monster, even if she had a moment of surprise and there for not a lot of reactive emotions upon seeing Josie, by the end I assume she's supposed to feel a sort of relief. It ending the way it does feels unconcluded in that way.


------

Over all I like it! You've got good writing skill and there's very little about the actual writing I have to critique.

There are places I mentioned where I feel it could be better but that doesn't mean it's bad as it is.

I will say toward the end things seemed a little less put together then the beginning. The beginning had a really good sense of tone and show not tell. The end not so much.

I'd definitely suggest cleaning up the fight scene and I think you could benefit a lot from dedicating effort to editing specifically the second half as a lot of writers tend to lose touch with the quality or skill of a story as it goes on just cause, I dunno, brain tired or something, so starting with a fresh editing mind for the second half could bring forth a bit more of the skill you showed in the beginning to that half.

I hope this helps!

7
7
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.0)
I write this as I read, so forgive me if some of my notes are things resolved or explained later in the story.

Cars cruise freely followed by the description of an empty highway is a bit confusing. Brings up contradictory ideas for me. I'm going out on a limb and guessing you mean like, the occasional car? May I suggest adding that detail of "the occasional car" or saying they drive down "every now and then"?

The shops close at 2 am? I, again, assume you mean they've *been* flickering off as show owners close up through out the night and now it's 2 am? If so I'd recommend something along the lines of "through the night the lights..." And then after ward being like "it's now 2 am" or "2 am rolls around" or even, if we wanna keep the kinda, night time dark vibe/mood, "Soom, as 2 am creeps forward, the street..."

Homeless folk don't tend to actually live in boxes where I'm from, they usually find benches and buildings with overhanging roofs to lay under. Could just be location differences? Or is this line a metaphor and not to be taken literally. If so, just ignore this.

Mischief and cold glares don't typically go together. This may just be a personal preference though. Cold glares are typically associated with the calm and calculating, frigid type of people. Mischief has a more playful connotation. Cold glare brings to mind the old, mischief brings to mind the young. I'm not you so I don't know what characterization you're going for, this may be intentional, but in case not: if you're going for the colder type feel may I suggest "devilry" or "devilment" which mean reckless mischief, or if he's more calculating and has a plan, "rascality" which means mischief but more dishonest and generally ill intented. Those are the technical definitions, but the way they sound kinda goes the other way, rascality still sounds kinda young, though more malicious then mischief, devilry sounds darker and more cunning. If you are going for the younger more, cacklingly playful feel, I'd just recommend replacing "glare" with "glint." Gives the eyes more of a spark, but the cold keeps it from being too innocent feeling.

In my opinion, and that's important, my opinion, characters thoughts when written like dialogue come off as, feels more like a teen novel writing and makes the character feel like a teen, and earlier you said man so I assume he's an adult. This is pretty easily fixed by just adding in some "he thinks" or "he considered" for example: "As he walked he considered his mistake [however many] days/hours ago (at the casino). The helpless urge to just keep giving into the gamble, to keep the odds rolling, the way winning the slots made him feel invincible. He should have stopped when he had the chance. (Rest of the description of his time there) Now he was stuck, walking the streets at night, all his money spent." With your own turn of phrase of course, this is how I write and word things. But even if you didn't want to rewrite it like this, just saying "He considered how he had been walking the streets ever since he lost..." Just to keep it in that third person. Again, easy fix with a well places "He thought about..."

The name drop is a bit obvious and forced. The ID is only mentioned to bring up the name and it's a slightly better version of "His name was..." Things like this could be fixed without having to just name him right off the bat (because I too, love starting stories that that ambiguously unnamed figure to start with) is giving the introduction to his name a reason, like, "He looked over his ID, eyes catching on his name. He'd ruined it by this point. Maxing all his credit cards, spending his life. He was officially a bum for lack of a better word." And then tie in his life crumbling and wife leaving him to that ruination of his name and reputation. Or don't, even just this change I feel like makes the name drop feel a bit more natural.

Bum is a bit of a silly word, I wouldn't recommend using it without acknowledging it as a silly word. Or change it with something like "scum" (taking the "a" off of course. It's more serious. Up to you.

"He noticed..." It is his wallet, I feel like he wouldn't "notice" it, you can just have him pull it out and look at it. A man considering how his life had derailed has every reason to bitterly look over past photos.

The next paragraph doesn't even need an "He thought about..." It would easily just be changed to third person and give a more somber and serious tone.

"Although the lights," the lights being off doesn't hinder or suggest any reason he wouldn't fixate on the necklaces. "Although" means despite this thing, maybe have something more like "he still easily saw the glimmer of the necklaces through the window, and his eyes fixated on them."

"... head low to avoid the cameras." The cameras would still see him even if his head was lowered, right? He's not so much avoiding them as keeping his face hidden no? Am I reading this wrong? If not instead of "avoid the cameras" I'd recommend "to keep his face hidden from the cameras.

Again, easy transition to third person for that paragraph. You do have a pattern of going back and forth between third and first for every paragraph so I recognize that this may be intentional, I just would like to recommend against it as it seems like your story is supposed to have a darker, more serious tone, and that doesn't really do that well.

"Knees bent;" don't know if this was a typo but that's not how semicolons are used.

Would people linger in a jewelry store at 2 am? Perhaps he looks around to make sure there didn't happen to be a worker or owner doing a late night check or work instead.

"Undermeath the glass," is a confusing sentence as it just looks like "the glass" is part of the list, may I suggest, "There, under the glass,..."

The "However" seems out of place, however implies again, something like a "despite." What is his looking at the glass in despite of. Maybe try ending the sentence at "display lamps," having the next sentence describe him concentrating on his hand going under, and then the next describe him glancing up for some reason and noticing the box. This is where someone notices something.

The next paragraph, while I still would suggest not having first person, I do like because the list of sinking into his thoughts of what he could do with it, give off a good sense of the sort of hypnotic draw to it.

Comma between "shoulder" and "pining"

Again, you know how I feel about the first person, but his thoughts here do help bring even more of that hypnotism that would draw someone's focus more and more onto the necklace to where it's the only thing he's aware of. Good job.

I immediately like the second guy. Anyone who casually eats in weird situations is a winner in my books.

The dude needs to learn how to eat properly though, he shouldn't be spilling milk on his chin, the heathen.

"Travis said" gives us more then that, describe his body language, give us a feel for how he's feeling. Is he apprehensive, scared, suspicious. And show, don't tell.

Mans really was faced with someone seeing him, and then just is like "hold up, gotta finish" I love him.

You're missing a quotation mark on the next part and, again give us some of Travis's emotions with his response. Surprise? Anger? Confusion?

"That's not good." *Casually brushes off crumbs* This man is fantastic.

Why would he look like he's there to steal stuff? Mans was casually eating cereal, seems weird that Travis would assume mans was there for the same reason as him.

'burglarize'? Really Travis? That's the best you could come up with?

It's middle of the night inside an unlit building and mans is like 'yes, sunglasses.' wonderful.

Why is he only creeping Travis out now? Wouldn't Travis's first assumption upon seeing a man in the store who seems very comfortable and casual, addressing him, be that the man either works at or owns the place? Especially considering he's stealing something and would be highly on edge with the fear of being caught.

Is Mans Death!? Hehehehehehhehe that's my assumption right now, I hope it's true.

Is he *writing* the death down as he says it? The implications of that, before I continue, are hilarious. Mans sees Travis stealing stuff, decides to watch for the heck of it, Travis sees him, and so Mans is like "okay, you gotta die, lemme just write it out."

Travis knows George? How? Explain, give us some insight to Travis's thoughts and emotions.

In the next paragraph you've misplaced a quotation mark, there's a space between it and the quote.

I would avoid ellipses (...) in more, eh, professional writing. Like, things that aren't just casual texting or note taking and stuff like that. But that may just be me.

Hehehhehehehhe Mans is tearing into Travis, he's great.

I'm, quite confused as to Travis's characterization at this point, it's, there doesn't seem to be a solid grasp on him. Like the other dude, he's got a solid recognizable personality, he's sassy and confident, an aura of self assurance and aloof quips. Travis as so far been described with cold glares, mischief (and I've already stated my opinions on that) he has a gambling addiction and poor decision making, which is like, the only real solid grasp I have on him. He seems very serious and bitter about his life spiraling and his internal monologue, but in dialogue he's coming off as almost unaffected by the events because we have very little besides what he says to go off of. He's engaging in conversation with a stranger while on a heist, so seems like he doesn't really care if he gets caught or not and now he's talking about how he's tried the straight and narrow and stuff and it's just, he doesn't feel like a solid character. He feels empty, like a simple reactant to the events around him, just, whatever is written at the time. He's got some bits of solid personality, again, he's bad at decisions making, and is generally a more bitter person, but bitter people don't scratch their heads with embarrassment at someone pointing out their flaws, they don't try to defend their actions like a child scolded. Wouldn't he respond with more anger? Is that what's supposed to be going on? Again, I can't get a grip on him. He doesn't feel real. To me, as a reader, I'm not everyone.

The other guys dioalouge and action shouldn't be two different paragraphs. Typically with back and forth dialogue, you break paragraphs where you switch character responses/actions unless a character is taking a lot and their words need to be split.

Their next exchange about the value of work seems a bit cliche to me, but that's more an opinion then a criticism, I just know there would be other people who would probably think the same so, if you don't want that, you might want to think of more subtle ways or unique ways to get that message across.

You give us Travis's actions as he runs but not his body language which tells how he feels. Is he scared? Panicking? Determined? Scorning the other guys words? The reader doesn't know.

Wouldn't the jeweler walk into the store, not away?

MANS IS TOTTALLY DEATH!

Travis isn't, reacting to the fact that he just died at all? He's just going to question the death man on his timing?

I do like the little tease at an unknown world building at the end. Gets the imagination rolling.

----

Small Note: some of my notes weren't criticism or compliments, they were just thoughts I had as I read like my exclaims on the death character, those are where I actually got into the story, so those are good parts.

Overall I'm iffy on it. I see your idea, and there are parts I like and parts I think you could definitely build off of that are good.

It may just be me, but much of the style and way of writing just doesn't hit well. This may be intentional on your part, just something I'm not seeing, or it could just be that you're still getting a hold on a good writing style/skill that you'll like. I recognize a lot of the places where I critiqued as things I used to do after I'd gotten a handle on writing but before I'd learned how tone and characterization details and these various skills that all kinda collect work. So, this could be me just viewing these things as needing altering because they were things I strived to fix in my writing, or you could be in the same place I was, that all writers go through, and if so, it's just a practise thing and picking up skills along the way so, if this is the case, then my real suggestion is just

Keep writing.

Lots.

I loved the death character, as I'm sure I made clear, he was brilliant and funny and had good characterization to him.

I also think there's a neat little break in tone you could go for here, with the first half being this somber, bitter musings of a man at his lowest. Nighttime imagery and all that, and then the second half that takes on a more light-hearted comical feel with the introduction of the second character. I'd recommend giving descriptions and using word choices that give an more otherworldly feel to the environment to kinda support this shift from the grim reality of life, to this introspective moment detached from reality right before his death.

The theme of like, the ways this kind of thinking can ruin your life and it being in general bad were, again, a bit on the nose. I feel like the exchange between them could more focus on his specific actions and their specific consequences and get across the same theme.

I liked the pacing, that was good, and that's a true compliment because I happen to absolutely suck at pacing. You've also got a good grip on having a complete plot structure in a short story, another thing I notice because I struggle with it a lot. You've got the introduction, the build up, the conflict, the climax, the resolution. So good job on that as well.

I hope this helps!
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Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.0)
I write this as I read, so forgive me if some of my notes are things resolved or explained later in the story.

The description of the boat seems a bit in depth for the mindset/writing of a child. This feels like a kid thinking or writing in their diary, so specifics on length, and descriptions put in neat lists kinda pulled me out. Like the "comfortable furniture part" may I suggest taking that out of the list and making it it's own sentence with something like "(and) the furniture was very comfortable." (I split the and as I think the grammatically incorrect beginning suits a child but it wouldn't be missed if it wasn't there)

I like the "That is" it's a small detail of splitting it instead of writing "that's" but it feels more like a kid.

I'm a bit confused by the kid saying they look for the suck monster and then saying they don't want to find out what's in the water? Is that meaning like, they don't want to know what's down there along *with* the monster? Might be nice to clear that a bit. Then again children's thoughts are often confusing so, up to you.

It'd be cute to add something like "I'm [this many] years old," with some declaration of their bravery after the "I'm not a baby" I think.

Instead of going "fisherman who tell their kids who tell their kids" which goes down, I'd recommend going up since it's from the view of a child, "who were told by their dad's who were told by their dad's."

Specifically machine oil? Again, seems strangely specific for a kid, but maybe that's just me.

I like the description of the monster, has enough detail that it really sounds like he's repeating stuff he's been told, but it still has that feel of childlike understanding and excitement.

I'd recommend replacing "'misbehaving' kids" with "their kids to it when they're being bad" just sounds more kid like to me, but I also just personally have an aversion to thinking quotes in writing. It's a weird bias of mine.

"Not all monsters do." The like, surety of that line feels like the kid nodding to himself that he really knows his stuff and it made me laugh.

"Someday I'll do it!" Again, just, very adorable, very kid like, made me chuckle again.

"It is the greatest feeling in the world..." Kinda teeters the line between childlike and not. This isn't criticism or compliments, just noting how I feel about it in case you want a different feel to it.

"They are what he calls a challenge" I'd recommend changing to "he says they're a challenge" more matches the speaking patterns of a kid to me. Up to you.

"Eat them (anyway)" perhaps?

"I don't like the taste of fish anyway." Again, made me chuckle, this kid is so excited about fishing but doesn't even like fish. He's just here for a good time.

Would a kid know the specific band their parents like? I genuinely don't know. I never did, only one I knew were the Beatles and that's because we had a big Beatles poster with the name on it hanging in the living room when I was a kid and even then I had no idea it was a band. I didn't question the poster at all.

The specifics on the food is very child. Kids always gotta tell you *exactly* what they ate. Maybe add his feelings on the food? Most kids gotta tell you exactly what they like even if it's everything.

You're missing a space line between "Like what?" And "A voice..."

Do kids assume they're imagining things? I feel like that's an adult thing. Kids are quick to believe and usually don't brush off phenomenon they notice.

Would a kid keep this a secret from his Pa without direction? I don't know how old the kid is but from the current thinking style it doesn't feel quite right. Maybe have him tell his pa, "Can I get in? Theres something in the water." And then have the grandfather (is it the grandfather? I don't remember sorry haha) brush him off as just spotting a fish or being imaginative.

Oh no wait he didn't mean the water. Maybe find a way the clarify that before hand? I'm not sure how just, telling you that confused me as a reader so you know.

You spelled "con't" instead of "can't"

"I don't believe you!" There seems to be no suprise that he's found *the* suck monster he just immediately jumps to his disbelief about the monsters goodness. Maybe that's kid like? But seems off to me.

A hundred feet deep. I'm terrible at imagining distance but I feel like the kid would definitely be drowned by that point, also how did the kid get into water that deep without someone noticing him getting that far and then sinking or noticing the monster push him back, and how did he hit his head after sinking, his momentum would have been way slowed by that point. I mention these questions not as judgement, but because questions like these can take a reader out of a story.

I'd recommend putting the "WOW" first in his response.

Instead of "I'm just a lil kid" cause kids usually don't associate their inability to do things with their age I'd recommend having him say something like "I can't reach you." Or "I can't swim that deep."

Ah, I suppose what I just said would knock off the next response from the monster. Up to you how you handle that or if you just wanna keep it as is.

Do kids say dude? Genuinely don't know.

Do they say "ya know?" Feels like more preteen/teen talk. To me at least, could be just where I grew up.

"I saw the movie!" "She never said she was in a movie. Huh!" Made me chuckle again.

As an adult the idea of this kid sneaking out with a knife puts me on edge cause Child No that's how you get hurt or kidnapped, but I assume this is pointed toward kids who like the idea of adventures so this is more of an amusing anocdote I'm giving.

"I've seen those down here but I don't think they work now!" Again, made me chuckle.

I would have been offended by someone implying my parents were anything less then perfect as a kid but maybe that's just me. I mean toward the "do better then your parents" thing.

Instead of "k?" I'd recommend "right?" But then again could just be a very confident and more demanding kid.

*Child do not go out at night listen to your instincts.*

Isn't the shining a horror movie? I may be thinking of the wrong thing here. Wasn't allowed horror movies as a kid.

"She would be" I recommend switching out with "She gets"

"I like staying here... lot of attention." Is a random like, side note/ derailing thought. Very child like, honestly if you could put in more of that I think it'd add a lot


"Getting old is just weird!" Very child. Wouldn't recommend that many exclamation marks though, it dulls the places where you also use three and makes those seem less exclaimy.

Child really just yeets himself out a window like a little rebel, I love them. What's the gender of this kid though, I've been picturing a little boy.

Kid has a phone? Of course they do, kids these days haha.

*Two* flashlights, this kid is *determined.*

Child if you're scared don't go this is how you get *kidnapped.*

I'd recommend switching "failed" with "messed up" feels more child to me.

"Didn't know nothing" very child, I like.

Maybe after the "I'm saving a true HERO!" line add in " I am/going to be a hero too!!"

I guess that idea is kinda in the next paragraph isn't it.

"That won't happen (because it would make the suck monster disappear.)" You may not do that cause kids may not explain themselves but I think it helps shoe the kids compassion that he values the safety of the monster over the possible praise he could get.

Child do not steal your grandmother's jewelry to give to mermaids, that's bad, stop it.

Oh never mind it's a fake and given as a toy, good child.

*Wheeze* it's a fish with arms. That's fantastic.

I've decided I like the armed fish.

You're missing space lines between the four paragraphs of "He's caught in a net... I can help Charlie!"

Pft, fish with arms winking, this tickles me so much.

"I found a pretty thing and I can help Charlie!" Fish your priorities should not be in that order haha

"This stuff" is ambiguous, I thought she meant stuff like underwater creatures getting caught in human stuff, not the knife, maybe clear that.up beforehand somehow?

The message/theme of "take care of the earth" feels a bit on the nose to me, but I can see why you'd want to keep that as I assume the audience for this is children. Children are pretty smart though, I think you could get away with not serving it to them quite as obviously.

"I was a real..." Maybe "I looked like a real..." Cause the, visual of the sparkling water. Unless he's talking about succeeding in his mission. I can't tell which it is.

I would recommend a paragraph about his travel and thoughts on the walk back to the house. Feels a bit of a jarring jump.

"... caves of jewels (that night.)" Maybe

Missing a space line between the next two paragraphs.

"... you up, babe." Maybe Honey instead of babe, feels more grandmotherly to me but could just be me.

I would recommend a description of the grandmother's face as she notices his condition between her question about breakfast and asking him about said condition.

Feel like the grandmother would be a little more concerned about said condition then that, I certainly wouldn't brush off my kid or grandkid waking up like that. Maybe have her tell him shower and that they'll have a talk about being up past bedtime when he's out. Give the sense of her concern and want to make sure he doesn't misbehave.

"I stood under the water" I dont, it feels weird that the kid is describing his shower/shower thoughts, though that could just me being a tad uncomfortable with the writing of a kid in a shower? I'm, particularly sensitive to the idea of predatory behavior toward kids and it's an easy trigger for me so this may be one of those innocent things that just affects me because of how sensitive I am to it. Can I suggest having him think about his aches on his way *to* the shower?

I do like the ending line, it's cute, very nice closing.

------

Overall I really like it!

I think the pacing felt a bit off with so much time and description going to the beginning and then what feels.like rushing through the climax of him meeting with the fish with arms (which I still really like, that amused me so much.)

Small Explanation: any place where there wasn't either criticism or compliments and just seemed like a though of mine reacting to the story is exactly that, me reacting to the story. Those are places where I really got into it. Good signs.

Also, for places where I asked questions, don't feel like you have to answers those to me specifically, like respond with answers, I add them so you know what I as a reader ask in my head as I'm reading in case you want to answer them in the writing.

All notes and suggestions are purely my opinions and thoughts, I'm not everyone and I'm certainly not a master, take what you will and make the story yours and the best way you can to make it feel like the best it can be *to you.*

And I think that's all my thoughts on it, I think it's a lovely kids story and I adore the fantastical feel of the second half. Hope this helps!





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Sea of Music  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.0)
The beginning two stanzas you've got an unrhythemtic rhyming I really like, that long ee sound. Then at the last two you've got a bit of it with "console, whole, though." It would be wonderful to see more of that, gives it a melodic feel that I think matched the meaning of your poem, like the tune of a song or the lapping of waves.

You've also got a very gentle feel to the descriptions, a smooth glide which I also think fits well and I would suggest picking through word choice to see if you can't get across the same ideas with words with less cacophonous letters, smooth it out a bit more.

For example the "killing myself" line is almost jarring (though I admit, it may be worth keeping for that jarring, it may match an idea of a violence to the enjoyment, up to you) to the misty vision of the rest of the poem. So perhaps consider changing it with something like "Smooth suicide" it's the same meaning, just smoother. Still that edge of darkness in the sucking addictiveness, but still feels like waves and melody.

Overall I like it, I think your metaphor is very apt.
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Review of She is here.  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welp, that got me thinking. If I'm correct, this poem is about the concept of freedom (sorry if I'm wrong) and, yeah, yeah that seems pretty darn accurate. Ain't it a grand twisted thing, even freedom ain't all good.

I can't offer much of advice or critique cause I'm just not good at that sorta thing, but I really liked the way you used your discription and words it put a very interesting view on freedom. Have some encouragement and praise in absence of anything actually useful to your writing.
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Review of I... I wish...  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really liked this, the style and everything, and mostly, that fact that this is exactly what it's like everytime I find a flooff flower, or an eyelash falls out, or I see a star and just feel like being a child for a second.

I can't offer much review on the professionalism side, or any real advice because I'm clueless when it comes to that, but I liked it, so, have some encouragement and praise in absence of anything actually useful to your writing.
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Review of Moonlight  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short and sweet, the ryme's nice and the rythem is constant.
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Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.0)
Some of the character and diolouge seems a little forced. But the idea is fun, the thing that was supposed to fail actually worked. Give it a little more detail and life, flesh it out a bit.
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Review of Small Moments  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My heart just died. I'm going to be personal (even though you're not supposed to do that in reviews) growing up with 11 syblings and being one of the older ones, means I had quite a hand in their care, so the idea of children with only a few years to live, and more, have been abandoned by their parents tears me apart. And I can deffinatly see the woman's point of veiw. Very well crefted, th characters were believable and down to earth.
And the world is a fun idea, and again, I shouldn't do this, but have you ever considered a world were you could chose your expiration date. The shorter time you chose the more money and better life you get, the longer you chose to live, the less you get. Then it adds the stress and complications of fame over time.
I was rather entranced by your story personal so I wasn't really paying attention to actually reveiwing (sorry) so I can't really offer any advice or critiques. Good job on that though.
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Review of Cousin Scooby  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I like the characters, they are believable and don't fall into any overdone cliché tropes (for the most part.) Adding a little detail and atmosphere would go a long way to help build up your story. All around though, the world was set up pretty nicely and worked well.
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Review of Summoner's Dance  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.0)
This one is less understandable then the "slumber" one (forgot the title, and I'm not good enough with technology to be able to find it again) but still has the same enchanting feel to it. The lines "I dismissed dark with a wave of hand,
Dispelled night’s mist away from land." Did seem a bit off rythem causing a reread which can steal from the peom, but I'm not a poet so I wouldn't know how to change that. Other then those, it's good, soft and flowing.
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Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice. Good rythem and ryme. I've never been much a poem person, whether that's reading or writing it. But this is easy to understand while still refined and enchanting, makeing even people like me able to enjoy it. Some of the pucuation seems random, and distraction, but poetry really relies on the writer and often times even the pucuation becomes part of the peom, so that's yours to decide.
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Review of Elf Team Six  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Very amusing. The constant switch between sounding completely serious, then going on to say something like "artic hobos" keeps a reader entertained. I would suggest adding more details to make it longer, and getting atmosphere in it so you can feel the shifts of comedy to suspense. Also, the title and description don't do it justice. Alert people to the fact that this isn't just some child story about elves, but the mix of jokes and drama it is. Your character are very nice, but some of their actions/dialogue seems forced and unnatural, expecially around the actual mission. I would suggest going back over those and adding more life to what they say. You'd be suprised just how much a simple stutter can add to a story. All around a fun story to read.
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Review of Decision  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.0)
Seems we have a rising Pyromaniac here. It is intresting, but I would suggest holding back on using "I" so much, it makes the writing sound choppy, and drafted. Beyond that it looks good.
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Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (3.5)
Same stuff as before. Again. (I am becoming monotonous)
But a good story, I kinda wanna see the lady take over the shop. A suggestion would be to give more symptoms and hints toward his fauler in the end, to build up a little suspense and questioning in the reader. Also, his thought seem a little too simple and straight foward and makes him seem a little unhinged, but I don't know personal how that would be fixed. Other then that it's a very calming and soothing short story.
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Review of The Offer  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.0)
Deffinatly intriguing, I don't know if this is where it ends or not, but I curtain ly hope not as there is a lot you could do with this. Again, your discriptions and style of writing is on point (and quite frankly I am feeling a little adequent by comparison, as I am very bad at this sort of thing) and your world building is deffinatly not lacking. I would suggest giving more time and personality to your character, yet I know this is hard to do with short stories (if this is one) but giving your character a little more time would flesh out the story and make it a lot more relatable to readers, but beyond that, this is very well write and has a very hooking nature.
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Review of Gate 11A  
Review by AskMyName
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Again, the discriptions are very good, and the thoughts of the character are as well. If I could suggest something it would be the times where his thoughts are in first person. You have a mix of those with the same kind of thoughts in third person. I would suggest setting a rule for thoughts that are in first and thoughts that are in third so you don't confuse your reader. On this same notr, the thought on third person are very good and the thoughts in first seem almost unnecessary, and if you could get all thoughts to third would make a lot of sence. However, I would like to stress that this is YOUR story and if that's how you felt it was best and wanted it, then don't change it.
I did like the repetitive thoughts that showed the mental state of the man, and you got his afflictions across very well. All around I found it fun, and am deffinatly curious about this "Richard with the blue eyes."
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Review by AskMyName
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it. It made me laugh, you managed to capture the mind af a third grader very well. And I found it very amusing, and a little cheated when I realized I wasn't going to get to hear this "story of Turnbuckle Hookeye." I loved his character, how he so easily took everything they said and played with it, though his actions do seem a bit advanced for a third grader. All around its really good, and I enjoyed reading it quite a bit.
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