*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tevyn
Review Requests: OFF
38 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will be honest and picky. I don't like repeating myself, so if you have a lot of the same issues (missing comma's or a bunch of 'ly' words), I will only point it out to you once and suggest you reviewing your entire work.
I'm good at...
Flow, logic, dialog, and solutions. I have a troubleshooters mind and can help solve situations that just don't make sense.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Science Fiction, Supernatural, Action Adventure, and Romance. Mystery and Horror are fine too, but they aren't my favorite.
Least Favorite Genres
Historical, spiritual, and memoirs.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories. I want to add Books/Novels, however I don't have that much time on my hands (job, kids, and my own writing).
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
I will not review...
.... um, I will try my best with almost anything, if you can stick to the above favorites.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Replace your adverbs with better verbs, there are about 111 adverbs lacking in clarity in this piece. For example "comfortably" in your sentence: "A devoted mother and father sit comfortably at the kitchen table, looking like they could be on a TV sitcom and a younger sister with her sun-bleached hair up in pigtails, playing with her Barbies." Can be changed into showing words by examining what you think being comfortable is. To me, kitchen chairs aren't very comfortable, but if they were I'd lean back and slouch a little.

Look for where you can cut, there is quite a bit of detail/backstory in this first part. Everything before "My attention fades away..." can probably be pulled.

2
2
Review by Tevyn
Rated: E | (2.5)
A bit heavy on the adverbs and repetition with fast, fast, and quickly. But it is interesting. I'd like to know more about the boys, the healer, and why they were on the mountain. Cheers.
3
3
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Overall it was a pleasant read. Your writing is very good and the storytelling is engaging. Thank you for sharing. I do have some thoughts below for you to consider.

Thoughts:

An excessive amount of physical descriptions of your characters - felt a little boring and puts the story on hold while I try to imagine everything just right. "clothes made of some sort of cloth"

"His eyes, dark grey with flecks of the emerald green they used to be," - a bit complex, I don't know whether or not they have green flecks. This pulled me away from the story to reread and try to picture what you are suggesting.

The backstory of Sir Caladus birthday charity feels like a drop in and not relevant to the what's happening right now. Would Alfrick truly be thinking that deeply about his friend right now?

"that I even want to die every now and then" - suggest alternative phrasing as I think you can only die once (well give or take resuscitation but I don't know if they have that in this fantasy story). Idea: "that every now and then I want to stab myself and be done with it." - but your own style of course.

Keep an eye on your "that", "just", "suddenly" and "So" (beginning sentences) words. They are typically not needed.

"yourself for making her like this again." - intriguing "again". Does this have foreshadowing that you meant to add in?

"But there was something sad about that smile. 'And to think my mother died...'" -- the last part broke me out of the flow. I had to take some time to figure out that he is remembering something that she said.

I feel that the parapet/location has a significant role here and whatever he was leaning against may be at play too. If so I suggest calling it out a little more in this piece. I think you could add a little more description about the wall/fence, the physical positioning of the characters as they battle and how he sees the guard - are they running, crossing the green grass from the garden? Does he hear the Princess retreating or did she stay? Is she who he is leaning against? Is it something hard or soft?

Last note: This piece feels like it should be a chapter and not a prologue. It seems like it is very much part of the main story and should not be skipped by the reader.
4
4
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Still needs some work before publishable. For instance, used covered twice in one sentence, your MC draws her sword twice, and lots of 'as he', 'as she', and 'as the'. You've done a really good job with the drama, and the dialog is good if not a little cliche at some points ("beg for the sweet release of death").

Thank you for sharing.
5
5
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Charming and sardonic alteration to Sabrina and Harvey's tale. The sentence "She must have found a hair of mine, because I certainly didn’t look this when I went to bed last night." could use some work as I think you are missing a word "look like this".

Very telling (I do understand your device leads to telling) making it hard to attach or sympathize with the character(s), that's why the lower score of 3.

Thank you for sharing it.
6
6
Review by Tevyn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1722...
Happy Birthday this month! From Showering Acts of Joy Group.

Summary:
A man on horse is being chased through a dark and forbidden forest. His men stay behind to fight and give him the chance to escape death. Eventually the assassins catch up to the Prince, but fate may just provide him with an alternative ending.

Overall:
Check for sentences where you have multiple “and’s” and split them up. Your writing got a lot better at the dialog between the assassin and the Prince. I enjoyed this piece, it has imagination, sounds, action, and adventure.

Suggestions:
A rider burst into a clearing, his black stallion foam flecked and steaming as if emerging from the flaming pits of the Netherworld.
I am unsure as to what “foam flecked” is but you flip tenses here in this sentence form flacked to steaming. A suggestion: A rider burst into a clearing, his black stallion giving off steam as though it had emerged from the flaming pits of the Netherworld. Or: A rider burst into a clearing, his black stallion was steaming as though they had emerged from the fiery pits of the Netherworld.

Precious moments were lost to gaze at the stars and direct his steed towards the Northern Traverse.
Seems to be missing the moment where he stops to gaze up at the stars. This is one of those moments when (we all can do better at this, even me) we need to show what is happening, rather than tell.

The rider gasped an angry, desperate prayer, or perhaps a curse, and urged his mount onwards.
I recommend sticking with one, it should never be both or either. This part defines your character, is he religious or is he angry?

Through the thick underbrush, ducking under grasping branches, hoping the horse would find its way.
It seems like an incomplete sentence. Try: Together the horse and rider moved through the thick underbrush, ducking under grasping branches.

The sound of conflict faded, overwhelmed by beating hoofs and disturbed quiescent growth.
I suggest rethinking the word “faded” as I don’t think the sound of conflict got quieter, it’s just that it was overpowered by other sounds. Right? Maybe the sound is fading, if so the second part of your sentence about the overwhelming beats may need to be reworded. Perhaps; The sound of conflict was dying out ( to literal though) and the galloping hoofs took it’s place.

He held out no hope that his men’s lives would stay this side of the balance, cursing the necessity of his flight and aching to turn around and unleash his wrath and despair on his pursuit.
To many ands, you can break this up into a couple sentences.

A chill wind blew from the North and foreboding shivered through him.
Word play here, foreboding cannot shiver. Try: A chill wind blew from the North and a strong sense of foreboding caused him to shiver.

The forest seemed to pull at him, promising safety and retribution both.
Remove “both” from the end. It is ambiguous and not needed.

With a shocking suddenness, the man found himself in the forest.
I thought he was in the forest. I was thrown on this line, also it is a bit telling, rather than showing. I don’t understand this part that well but I will try a suggestion: The man’s vision blurred for a brief moment, but when it had clear he was no longer in the clearing.

Abruptly, his mount stumbled and went down squealing, throwing him over his shoulder.
Remove “Abruptly” it takes away from the story. Just show that the horse stumbled. ‘ly’ words should be avoided, but there are times when needed.

The ground loomed close and the man could see himself falling on his face and breaking his neck.
How did he “see” himself falling? Was there water showing his reflection? Did he have a vision? I suggest explaining this better. Try: The ground loomed close and the man knew he would face plant into the hard rock if he didn’t act quickly. He tucked his head…..

The black stallion collected his forelegs under him and, with effort, pushed himself up, stumbling and limping on a few steps, whites showing and snorting.
What whites showing and snorting?

The trees were silent despite the cold wind, water dripping from them like tears.
One goes against the other, dripping water makes a sound, but I know what you are trying to do and it does work. I am probably just being overly picky on this one. Sorry.

The silence was deafening.
Confused, I thought it was nosy from the loud hoof beats.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Greetings,
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1983...
I found your piece by doing a random search in supernatural.
Summery of Story (or piece):
Peter Doleman attempts to tell his nephew, Liam, about an important discovery. However the story is lost on Liam as he glazes over and becomes distracted by a phone call from Marty.
Overall Musings:
I am interested to learn what an Orgone is and may jump to your next chapter. There is a lot of room for improvement, you can try to add more of the five senses (what he sees on the desk or a feature of his nephew, what he feels about his experience emotionally, the sound of the phone ringing or the sound of Marty chatting away in Liam’s ear.
Several of your dialog pieces rob the reader of the ability to imagine reactions. When you go into detail of how exactly the phrase was said. I suggest going back over and simply saying “he said” and use the dialog (the words) and the actions to express emotion and deliver. It’s difficult for the reader to involve themselves into a story when they are robbed of their imagination. To be specific I liked the following usage in your dialog: “I still don’t get it, so what? I mean kind of cool, sure, but what’s this got to do with,” Liam’s tongue tripped over the word, “Orgone?” and the one after it is an example of taking the imagination away “Don’t you see? We confirmed it. Orgone does exist and we trapped it in the Prism!” He delivered it like a pitchman at a carnival nailing the closing line to a disinterested passerby. I suggest trying the following approach. “Don’t you see? We confirmed it. Orgone does exist and we trapped it in the Prism!” Peter said. He was barely containing his excitement as he bounced onto the balls of his feet. That was adding action. Here is using the words to help: “Don’t you see? We confirmed it. We captured the impossible, the Orgone.”
Suggestions:
“We’re geeks, always trying to one up things. We had the electromagnet just sitting around from a previous experiment and it seemed like a cool thing to do,” Peter Doleman said from the comfort of the customer chair in Liam Yager’s corner office
Missing end punctuation (you probably already noticed that). The usage of a comfortable chair makes the emotion behind the words seem faded. I’m guessing that he was busted for something, shouldn’t there be anxiety or concern about consequences.
“Maybe a little over kill eh?” Liam eased backwards.
Should be overkill and isn’t he in a chair, how do you ease backwards in a chair. I imagined the whole chair and Liam moving backwards. This doesn’t seems plausible. Perhaps use the words: leaned back.
The soft leather chattered as the chair molded around his athletic frame.
This may be just me, but I have no idea what “chattered” means. Also why would the chair mold to his frame, a chair doesn’t move on its own. I suggest rephrasing and keep an eye out for when you make objects take on improbable characteristics.
Peter stood up, unzipped his blue Columbia jacket and as he wiggled, the jacket fell to the chair revealing his Elvin like stature.
I suggest changing out wiggled for another word. Wiggling is typically comical.
He re-sat, extended his legs and continued.
Change re-sat to: He took his seat… or He sat back down.
he pulled in his legs and skidded forward on his chair,
Why would he pull his leg? Do you mean it put his legs down? Saying pulled has me visualize his hand grabbing his legs and pulling them.
Liam leaned forward with his elbows on the desk.
When you read this it is as though his elbows are already on the desk and he is leaning forward. If that is what you meant then all is good. I just think perhaps he leaned forward and put his elbows on the desk. But why his elbows? Was it to hold his head?
Peter said with the same conviction as a man who just realized religion for the first time.
Realizing religion is what? Just realizing a spiritual cult doesn’t complete the sentence. I suggest: Peter said with the same conviction as a preacher at the pulpit. Or: Peter said with the same conviction as a man who recently received his testimony of God. Or: Peter said with the same conviction as Jehovah’s witnesses. See overview notes though, because you could just make this “Peter said.”
Liam asked but before Peter could answer, the black Inter-Tel phone rang on the desk.
Remove “black” most phones are black and this gives the reader the chance to draw the imagery with a phone they are familiar with (it pulls them in to interact with the story).
Peter let himself do it again.
Do what? Please elaborate what it is he did to himself, cuz I’m just confused. Also, why was he being foolish? For being so excited about something that your friend didn’t understand? I suggest adding: Peter let himself get caught up in the excitement, he didn’t notice that his words flew over Liam’s head.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Cyber Friend  
Review by Tevyn
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Peewee,

I suspect you are very young and I won't go into a detailed review, but instead tell you to keep writing. Your story has some real hints of mystery and suspense. There are a lot of structure (paragraphs and places were you can split your sentences) issues. You did switch from dialog, which is a preferred method of "show" the story, to more of a telling. I suggest you make the father's dialog stand out along with Ken's.

You do a good job of remember to use your five sense in this story. I encourage you to revise this. I know you probably want to move onto another story, but revising is really going to help you.

Thank you for sharing!

- Tevyn
9
9
Review of No Glamor in War  
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi,

Take what you want/need from my review and please keep writing.

wave is to attack a wave attacking seems strange to me, but I myself do not have any military experience to use as a reference. To me a wave is a motion, like the hand waving, the water wave, or a wave of men rushing to attack. I'd rather know if it was your team that was to attack or you could say "wave of team" but the wave really implies to me that they are already in motion prior to the attack. Just sharing my thoughts.

Everyone begins... Who is everyone? This is what is called a Weasel Word. Suggest specifying who everyone is, like 'my team'. I also suggest changing begins to began. Double check all your tenses (this is my hardest writing skill, I have not mastered it).

warriors of both sides. I suggest "from" both sides.

Try to reduce your repeating words: joined, gleaming, and glamour.

This is a short piece on the personal cost of war. I like how he isn't really thinking about his family or his country, but simply his expectations of what it should be like or should have been like. Thank you for sharing.

- Tevyn


10
10
Review of The Split Fare  
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This piece is very well written and gets my first 5 star review.

It seems like it could all be a dream, but his confidence in it's realism makes this story very compelling. You didn't over due it on the gore like I see a lot over other people do. It was just right and left my mind to interpret my own level of horror. I also like how you would never have imagined a girl so beautiful and friendly would bare the evil spawn. Your flow and rhythm was perfect, even when it was a little fast.

I only found a few minor suggestions:

"My hope and prayer is that the haunting of the incident will someday leave my tormented spirit.". This seems incomplete. If the haunting leaves his tormented spirit, is it still tormented? I suggest tossing in an "alone" or "at peace" at the end of it.

"The blood, it was all over the floor." What blood? I suggest removing "The" and state that blood was all over the floor. Or perhaps her blood.

Thank you for your wonderful story. Keep writing.
11
11
Review of Chosen  
Review by Tevyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi again,

"would have some wonderful meal" I suggest "would have a wonderful meal" again with that I find some a vague word. Its a little odd that it goes from being excited about a meal to walking slowly home. It's not bad, just a little counter to one another. The shops closed, you have an opportunity to draw out the environment here. You could write "our small towns shops that were closed..." or "the shops on market street".

"restaurant" isn't a word from the fantasy era. They had bars, pubs, inns, dinning halls (umm you could research this a little). Maybe I have the era wrong, sorry if I do.

You repeat that she is starring at her feet twice. Perhaps the first time just leave it at starring down (or looking down) and then you can go into noticing she is looking at her feet.
"
I don't quite understand this reference "like a thick cloak against a chill wind which never ceased." A thick coat is a shield, protection, or warm. I don't relate it to loneliness and loss.

"raise her head or acknowledge my presence" your saying the same thing twice, I suggest going with one, she didn't raise her head or she didn't acknowledge your presence.

"meekly in darkness before me" is she in the dark, the darkness (evil?), or the cause of darkness (depressed soul?)? Ah, reading on answers this question. I get it now, I like this.

Before you say "a bond stronger than that of my soul-mates" as though he already has soul-mates (or is it a soul mate), but then the grandma story of a soul mate being the Chosen I think. I'm a little confused there.

"I would give light to replace the darkness which surrounded her. ". I like that tons, it is deep and meaningful. And this "burning fire consuming the darkness with a desire of its own" very nice.

Tense thing: "fading sun creating endless colors " could be "fading sun that created endless colors"

I am not sure I follow this "possibilities of silver beyond their endless depths", do you mean her eyes are silver?

You can use italics to help show internal thoughts or mind reading conversations that aren't spoken out loud. I suggest using it for "I am Dralthesa and I have Chosen you. I shall always stay with you and never leave. I shall love you and never die. You will never be alone again and you will learn what life is. Come with me."

"somewhere else to run; as " was she running before? I suggest "somewhere to flee", but that doesn't seem right. Hm, just take another look at it and maybe you can find another way to work in her need to escape.

The dragon (cool) changed from being limited to "eagerly following". That was a quick unexpected change, perhaps her following is more of a curiosity? Your story of course. :)

"city street." Another opportunity to add in environment details.

I really like this one, I want more of it. I want to know if the elf has a family and how the dragon would fit in. I want to know if non-magic people see something else instead of the dragon (or nothing). I want to know why she was at the restaurant, was she wanting to go in (I know that would be a mess, a dragon in a restaurant), or is it that she wishes she was human? This one has me all sorts of curious. Thank you, I was very entertained.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Tevyn
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Lowered twice in the first sentence is odd, try a different word for the first one. I suggest changing "and it chilled him" to ", chilling him to the bone.". And it chilled him, seems like an after thought instead of part of the story. What kind of smells are "good smells" this is an opportunity to associate to the character by being specific so that a reader can relate. If he likes the smell of fresh cut grass (I know it doesn't fit the mold, but I hope you get my driving point). "there were speckles of red and yellow from the almost flowers" this doesn't make sense to me. Is it that he likes the colors red and yellow or that he likes budding flowers. I don't equate red and yellow to budding flowers, as they truly can be any color. He got laid once in the spring time? Perhaps additional words can express this, rather then the blunt (but it's really about your Writer's voice). The seasons jumped from Spring to Fall, missing Summer. That is a little disorienting while trying to determine the stories timeline. Perhaps just remove the whole spring time paragraph, it doesn't add much to the story other then getting laid. Instead of saying "dozen or so" you can say "at least a dozen.". You can use words for numbers, it flows better when reading. Ten and thirty feet. I think it's because of all the math story problems. Your always looking for the two numbers or the words to key in addition or multiplication. Suggest "pulling on a overhead branch he managed to get to the upper level". Tugging is a jerking motion, verses pulling which is constant. "seat on the wall ledge" you can omit "wall" from that, as it is already known that he is on a wall. Did he grab the limb or the branch (I suggest consistency with what you call it here)? "was fully 30 feet to the" remove "fully" it's unnecessary and too much.

Overall, it was amusing and has potential for more details. I would definitely suggest you remove the Spring paragraph, it has zero baring on the story. Perhaps you could include a type of obsession with the "park wall" in there.
13
13
Review of Angels  
Review by Tevyn
Rated: E | (1.5)
I am not a poet person, but am more of a story teller. I can't really help out with the structure, but I can give some thoughts about the picture.

Did you mean "they" are smiles on blissful faces or that they put smiles on faces? It ends a little strange, to go from an angel to me. I doubt your reader is an angel. I suggest an alternative ending. Not sure that God's love, like sight unto the blind fits in. I like it in theory (it's a lovely idea), but perhaps a more direct approach instead of a reference to a similarity would be a natural fit. It seems to be missing some commas (the God's love, and may be inspiring hope,).

Overall it's lovely and heart warming, except the end is confusing.
13 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tevyn