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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tglassy
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Public Reviews
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Review of Lawless  
for entry "Chapter One
Review by TGlassy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very interesting world you've created. I would be interested to read more.

I like the character you've created. Smart, cynical, one step ahead out of necessity, but not infallible, as shown by the fact that he was almost killed going one on one with the Providence grunt. You never want a hero to be so good at everything that he could go up against the Emperor without any training and win because he's awesome. That's not believable. Your character has a temper, and knows enough of his limits to get himself in trouble. That's great, and believable.

The one thing i noticed is the dialogue. Most of it was great, but there were a few times that made me think "Why did they say it like that?" or "That's not how they would have responded." Dialogue is tricky, but basically reread it and think "Would i have worded it like that." If you would, then keep it, if it sounds awkward coming out of your mouth, then try shifting the words around, find a new way to say it. Like i said, it was mostly good, there were just a few parts, mainly with the girl at the end, that didn't quite ring true to me.

All in all, this definitely seems like something I would buy and read. I'd love to read more, if you have it. Keep up the good work!
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Review by TGlassy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Before i start, i always give a pro/con review. I'll start with what i liked about something particular, then proceed to give my opinion on how it could be better. I'm better at coming up with stories and fixing other stories than the actual writing aspect of it, so I won't focus so much on the grammar and writing style. I'm more interested in the story, characters and how it flows.

Fantastic start. Very descriptive without getting bogged down in details so much that I wanted to fall asleep. You described your world with just enough to give me a visual, but left enough for imagination. that's great.

As far as the world itself, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the world you've created. It's very classic. Dwarves, Elves, Orcs, magic, a Dark Wizard that was defeated and may yet rise again. It has all the elements of classic fantasy.

And unfortunately, has been done so much, that it also can be lost in the crowd. Why are elves beautiful? Because that's how Tolkien wrote them. Tolkien had such a strong influence on our culture, that many fantasy writers took inspiration from him, instead of creating their own worlds. Now, there are those who have created their own fantasy realms, but not too many.

Remember, there's nothing wrong with having a world where elves are beautiful and live a thousand years, and Orcs that are green and piglike, but why? Why not create your own creatures for this world? And why do they have to look so human? And if you do want elves and orcs and dwarves, why make them like everyone elses? No race is perfectly one thing or another, so why are all elves beautiful and graceful? why aren't there some that are ugly? Or clumsy? and why are all Orcs ugly and evil? Can't there be a noble Orc? Just food for thought.

Then there's your character. I did like the doubts she showed, because they made her seem real. No one is perfect, and when doing something they're not sure of, everyone has doubts, fears, etc. But, she trusts her Mentor. She's obviously strong in magic, being able to take out a troop of Orcs alone.

But why did she kill them? I understand from what you've written that she did it without thinking, but were they a threat? They hadn't done anything to her yet. She even killed the ones that were running away. And her feelings afterward? The elation that she was able to hold another being's life in her hands, and snuff it out? That's the makings of a sociopath. Not that that's a bad thing, all heroes need to be flawed, and it wasn't quite to the point where it turned me off to her, but remember, it's ok to make your hero flawed, it's ok and even encouraged to give them traits that we don't like, it makes them real, but they must always, always be sympathetic. We have to understand what they feel.

Unless, of course, you want to make her a villain. Not the villain, but A villain. Someone the Dark One can get his hooks into. And of course, we all know what can redeem her: Love. Bring someone into her life that draws her back, gives her a conscience, brings her back from the brink. Or just make her a sociopath. You're choice.

All in all, a fantastic beginning. Keep writing, and let me know when you have the next part!!

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