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Review Requests: OFF
2 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Review of Genesis  
Review by Toby
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I found your post requesting a review in a forum that is going under. I was happy to review Genesis, though. I think you have a great grasp on torturing your reader with suspense. I wish I had half of your skill there.

First, and quickly, hit enter between your paragraphs so more people are likely to read and review. If the format is off, you could lose readers.

Second, as I read I ignored almost all the grammar mistakes, as I'm sure most people focus on those and they are easily caught. I did, however, feel that a great many sentences could be reworded to flow smoother. Try reading the story aloud to get a better idea of where a reader trips over words. You might also want to somehow indicate the beast's thoughts in itallics to show a different thinking taking place.

"Even though it seemed to be light outside, very little light penetrated into the carcass of the building" ---- I think this should be "hollow carcass" but that's just me.

Lastly, I'd like to say that I enjoyed the story and can't wait to see where it goes. Whether it expounds into a novella or just a long short, I'm sure the tale will be thrilling. Write On!
Review of The Grim Weeper  
Review by Toby
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
"I didn't hate my brother. On the contrary, I loved him well. I looked up to my older brother since he seemed to do everything right; my brother abhorred me as much as my father. Looking back, my brother was like a travel-size version of my father, all the power in half the size. He was my senior by four years and I wanted him to like me as much as I longed for my father to."

That paragraph has too many brothers in it.

"You will return with me to 666 Satin Ln."

Should this be Satan?

On a whole I loved it. I like when Hell has humor. I'm actually working on one myself. I didn't quite understand the couple on the beach? Do they have a backstory?

I like the Weaver Fairy too. At one point she speaks in rhyme, maybe she should always speak in rhyme. It would be a neat character trait.

Good job.

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