*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tophatbanjo
Review Requests: OFF
2 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Countdown  
Review by TopHatBanjo
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice! It's trochee pentameter, a nice variation from the somewhat hackneyed (but still nice when well done) iambic pent, and it conforms to a rhyme pattern, which I like.

The fourth line: 'seven' doesn't really fit the meter, and there's a missing beat there too. Maybe you could fix the meter problem here the way the old masters used to--convert the word 'seven' into a one-syllable alternative, maybe 'sev'n' and use that.

The sixth line: 'fire' doesn't fit the meter, but this is fixed much more easily and more naturally than the 'seven'/'sev'n' problem in line 4. You need a trochee synonym for 'fire.' I'd try google first, heh!

The ninth line: '"triangle we"'--nice! I get it.

The tenth line: 'conceited you'...hmm, I think this is supposed to be in parallel with the 'triangle we' bit, but I don't see how the number 2 makes a 'conceited you' the way that three lines make a triangle.

Anyway, nice work, and as I say, I really appreciate it when people work within the boundaries of rhyme and meter in poetry instead of just spouting words willy-nilly.

Thanks!...Bob (TopHatBanjo).
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tophatbanjo