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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/troyjarmes
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Public Reviews
1
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Review by Troy Jarmes
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I've always been a big fan of gangster and mafia movies so thats the reason I clicked my way in here. The title also works really well and give a good mafia story feeling.

The plot and story is well thought of and, the way the boy is described and reflected in his father, creates a good platform for character-development. Also using the ice cream truck works like a classic to me which is a good thing.

Typos or things you could consider changing:
'Other the a tear in his jeans and a bump on his head, there were no other marks on him.' Other 'than' a tear...
You write 'without saying a word' twice in the same paragraph. You could consider changing it to 'without making a sound' or something else to create more variety in the language.
'She walked back to her office...' Here I would write 'into' instead of 'to' because it sounds like she is leaving the house (that the office is outside the house).

A good start that is both surprising and leaves you wanting to know the rest of the story. Correct the typo and think about the language a bit but besides that, I see a really well written beginning to a good gangster book. Write on!
2
2
Review by Troy Jarmes
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
At first I found the short-story to be too "teenagery" but I still got sucked into it. Also I'm a big fan of soccer so naturally i found it appealing.
The actual story with the two old men becoming two enchanted cleats is both entertaining and new. There have been other stories with magical cleats but the addition, of the two old men who despirately try to escape cancer by transforming into his cleats, really gives the story and plot new life.
As to typos I didn't find many. I could point out that there was a exclamation mark which I found misplaced.
Meanwhile, Aaron and Barney took the cleats to their old house, which was just behind the soccer field! - Here I would remove the exclamation mark at the end and just replace with a period.
'But,e he would just walk home, wearing his socks.' - Here there is also a small typo but I only noticed that when I reread the story.

I could suggest to correct the few typos I found but it wouldn't make a big difference to me.
Instead I missed some conversation between Mason and his family when he comes home with no cleats after he has given them to the old men. I think it could give the story a little more depth.

As to my final thoughts I feel that the story itself was great. The plot worked well and the title captures your attention.
It definately shows promise and it is already close to being ready. Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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