|Wow, after finishing your story inside I was literally jumping up and down in joy. Ok, I am using the modern use of "literally" which means I was actually just sitting and said "Damn that's good". Oh hyperbole. I love your use of music and color to define the mood and personalities of the characters. Your retelling of a timeless tale (timeless may not be right as Time was there all along) was fresh. Your use of descriptive words works well and your sentences, though packed, flow well. The story demonstrates your good use of vocabulary without it seeming forced and it felt natural. Phrases like Tongues of light sprouted or Terrible thunders boomed like an unspeakable wave of destruction are put together well and really helped give me good images of the scene.
I was surprised by your divergence from most authors with this story type. The angels as far as I could tell were only with the girl (what, no name, lol) and never seemed to leave her. Usually the "angels" band breaks up and go on separate tours competing for the same audience(loosely keeping your your musical analogy). You are new to WDC but it feels like you have been writing a long time. Kudos and keep it up.
I laughed when I saw your "Genres: Mythology, Other, Other". All of us struggle to place our writing in the specific canned categories that are given so you are in good company. But on this site sometimes people search to read in a category so it doesn't hurt to try and put something else so you have more ways of catching peoples attention.
Some possible spelling changes, word changes or phrase modifications. Remember that these are only suggestions and all reviewers have personal bias and may not even agree with each other so take them or leave them, for it is your work.
-..where to entities.. change the "to" to "two"
- ...be made flesh. Perhaps "take form" or did you mean them to have flesh and blood or be energies that had a physical like form.
-If it were under a guiding hand, or perhaps a coincidental banality, without meaning or goal?
first: possible make it start like a question if you end in a question like "Could it have been under..."
second: banality means common or mundane and for me it does not fit well here. I might suggest: occasion, incidence, juncture, transition.
-Lightings circled Did you mean Lightnings?
When she scattered an abundance of stars, he scarred those with meteors and volcanoes. When galaxies sprouted from her dance, like flowers, he crafted a trap to swallow all light. Perhaps put galaxies first then stars. Also stars can't be scarred or have volcanoes but planets and moons can. Perhaps "...stars and planets around them, he..."
-She regained her temper From that paragraph she did not lose her temper except by loose implication. She was still "captured in his melody" which I assumed was both physically and emotionally and she was frightened. Seeing her work destroyed could have only made her sad and temper is usually about anger not sadness or fright. a suggestion might be to change temper to perhaps "tempo" for the music analogies or use "composure" or let us know in previous sentences that she was angry.
She let her, but instead.. Change her to him.
Putrified from her determination and skill, and failed to regain his control. This was unclear to me as there is no word "putrified" Now putrefied with an e means decays or bad smell which does not seem to fit here. Petrified means turned to stone, not moving but she is moving so that does not make sense to me. Also you say regain his control but she never had "his" control, do you mean "her control"? The over all sense that I get from this sentence is: What she was doing wasn't working and she wasn't getting the results she wanted. I really don't have a suggestion but you might think about reworking that sentence.
...bending to fit her own creation. Actually fine as is but I thought optionally one could change creation to "creations" if it is to be the result of the song or "design" or "melody" if you mean change the song itself.
Each favored his own creation,... "his" as is still acceptable as a collective his/her but is going out of favor for the more gender neutral "their"
...not when men showed such a distinct talent to please both ways. Talent can give the feeling of something learned outside of who you are. I would have liked "proclivity" or "desire" better to feel like it is more innate than learned.
He knew, eventually that stage will be his exclusively. I know that may seem odd to you but I am a believe that not only the meaning of a word but the actually sounds it makes when you say it can have an influence on the reader. words that have hard sounds like the consonant K feel harsh and those with soft sounds like an l "feel" lighter. Take crash and collide that have similar meanings both start with harsh k-sound. Discount the meaning for a moment and listen or say the words. Crash is short and ends in a harsh sh that when you say it it comes out out with more air and gives the feeling of short and collapsing and one can imagine more damage from it. Collide is longer and the with a soft middle final d is soft and clipped and one does not feel from the sound as much damage. Ok, what is my point. Your reader at the end will remember or judge you by your last sentence or word. You end this amazing story with an awkward word "exclusively" which if you say it slowly not only does it have that harsh "k" sound but your mouth does mental gymnastics to say it. It is a perfectly good word in the middle of a story but to end the story with a long exhausting word may not leave the reader "feeling" good. Could I suggest something like "He knew the stage would be eventually his, and his alone."
Thank you for giving us a fresh and vivid vision of an old story type.