Matthew,
Now beginning my review of Chapter Two!
Plot: I see what you are doing here, but the chronology of the plot seems to make the tension fizzle. I would have ended the chapter with a cliffhanger - Nathalia's drop ship plummeting to the ground. This may seem cliche, but that's how you maintain the reader's attention. Instead, you seemed to have cut off the chapter mid-dialog, not a good way to maintain tension. A typical chapter in a novel is a microcosm of the novel itself. It should have three acts which work together to make the story, or in this case, the chapter. For more details, I recommend K.M. Weiland's "Structuring Your Novel". You can get it on Kindle.
I thought that the dramatic weight of Nathalia receiving the ring from her father was lost when she entered the terminal and saw her father waiting for her there. Timing is everything for dramatic effect. Perhaps she opens the gift while descending toward the planet, just before the attack. Just a suggestion.
Nathalya was about to remark on this when there came a sudden wrenching of metal and a sound of an explosion.
This really fizzles. Find a way to make the reader actually feel the impact when it comes, using onomatopoeia or short descriptive phrases to hit the reader in the gut with what the characters are experiencing. In action sequences, use over-the-top imagery to try to overwhelm the reader's senses.
Bang!
The explosion tore through the hull and right up Nathalia's spine. The ship shuddered, making her teeth rattle in her head. Then the world tilted and spun, and loose cargo became a lethal hurricane in the hold as the the giant craft spun out of control like a damaged gyro. A thick, black smoke joined the chaos, clawing tears from Nathalia's eyes and strangling the passengers with poisonous fumes.
Sorry, I'm not trying to write your story for you. I'm only trying to give an example of how this incident could have been made more exciting. Keep using language like this for your action scenes. Engage all of the reader's senses! Get loud! Get up in their faces! Make it memorable.
Before they could take a step, however, there came a faint cry from somewhere behind the clearing.
I noticed that you do this frequently, so I will only address it once. You use the passive voice. There is nothing grammatically wrong with this, and sometimes it is appropriate, but it makes for weak prose. Try "a faint cry sounded" instead of "there came a faint cry". This goes for most character actions. You want to depict them "doing" something, not "having it done" to them. Again, this is about what impact you want to make on the reader.
She brought the water and berries back to Wells and they sat together and ate. It wasn't much, but the berries were sweet and they found themselves soon laughing together and reminiscing about their childhood antics.
This was rather jarring. It was almost like watching a movie, and having someone suddenly hit fast forward. These two were just shot down. They are trying to survive deep in what is apparently hostile territory. Everyone else on the spacecraft is dead. Wells is injured. Within two sentences, they are suddenly carousing like kids at summer camp. It seems to ignore the gravity of the situation. I get that people in high-risk situations will regress to what is familiar to cope, but it can cause whiplash to the reader. Maybe you could ease the characters into this with a conversation around the campfire which gradually turns to their childhood. This would be a good second act for the chapter, and a great way to develop the characters further.
She didn't know it at the time, but he had already received word that, despite the transport being destroyed, she was safely on her way to Xera to recuperate.
Here, you reveal a plot point which the POV character is unaware of. It's okay to do this as long as you consistently use a point of view. Every plot development before or after this one is known to the character, which makes this one an outlier.
A plot quibble: Nathalia arrives at Xera and finds a bottle of rum with a note from her father waiting for her. So in the time between her ordeal in the forest, and their arrival at Xera, her father found out her ship crashed, that she subsequently survived, and sent a bottle of liquor down with another ship in time to beat her to Xera? It doesn't really work. I recommend writing out timelines to establish chronology of a plot to avoid this sort of thing. It can trap a lot of authors, and you frequently see these plot holes in movies.
Finally, the story asserts that Ghosts are "obsolete". However, I get the idea that they might actually be controversial. Are they some kind of assassin? So far, the story isn't clear, but this could work! You could be vague about the nature and purpose of Ghosts, and gradually reveal their purpose through Nathalia's actions, her interactions with others, perhaps her inner conflicts about what she needs to do to accomplish her mission as a Ghost.
Characters: I have a much better sense of Wells' character. She works well as a contrasting character to Nathalia. I think you should continue to develop her and add some complexity which could drive the plot and push Nathalia in new directions.
Setting: More description! They are in a new environment. Draw the reader into it with them: sounds, smells, the coolness of the forest air, the taste of dirt in their mouth when they hit the ground, the stench of burning fuel and flesh as they approach the wrecked ship. Use descriptors of the setting to pull the reader off of their couch and into that forest on El'Anorath. Use the interaction of the character with their environment as well: the crunch of leaves beneath their feet, the scratches of branches against their skin, the sun peeking through the branches into their eyes.
Dialog: Here the story seems to stumble. The dialog seems awkward, not the way people really speak. It doesn't flow naturally. I suggest you read it aloud and hear what it sounds like when spoken.
"And who might you be?" she asked, being slightly impolite yet flirtive.
I don't think "flirtive" is a word. If you want to convey a romantic interest, try revealing it through the character's actions. Maybe she notices Sgt DeVega's deep brown eyes, and stares into them a little longer than necessary. Maybe she finds herself smiling at him without realizing she was doing it. At the risk of invoking a cliche, show me, don't tell me.
Grammar/Syntax: Again, you do a good job with this. Just a few points:
"Wow, you look terrible." Wells complimented Nathalya, who smiled and let out a small laugh.
"Wow, you look terrible," Wells complimented...
First, use a comma, not a period to denote dialog. Also, this is contradictory. Wells' statement doesn't sound like a compliment at all. I get that the character is being sarcastic, but only the quoted dialog should be sarcastic, not the narrative, unless the story is being told in first person perspective.
"Don't be afraid, Nathalya. Be strong now, my daughter, it's time for you to face your fears." said Mr. Harms, who was still smiling lovingly.
Mr. Harms is starting to sound like Yoda. Is this how he actually speaks? In Sci-Fi and Fantasy, it's fine to make up speech patterns, mannerisms and even made-up words to emphasize the alien world the characters inhabit. But you have to be consistent, and you have to do it in a way which flows naturally. Read The Lord of the Rings, or Game of Thrones to see how this is done. You can even see examples in Star Trek.
Also, the second part is a run-on sentence.
"As do I. You know where I'll be if you need a new Technical because she got too scared and ran away." Jones taunted and pointed to Wells.
Odd. Jones didn't strike me as the playful type in the first chapter. A new wrinkle in the character?
"Drop your weapon and Identify yourself!" shouted the shadowed figure. Nathalya squinted and saw the Alliance symbol painted on the hood of the vehicle.
Typo: "identify" not "Identify"
Was Nathalia carrying a weapon, or an object which resembled one?
"I'll see that it gets there. Soldier," he called to a man who quickly walked over. "take this and make sure it gets to the right person."
"Soldier"? A service member leading a unit should know his people by name, or at least rank. This is like saying "Hey, you!"
"He does what any good commander should do -- sit back and sign the papers and let the sergeants direct the fight." DeVega said, then sat his fork down and looked at Nathalya a moment.
I have to take issue with this. As a veteran myself, I can tell you that DeVega is wrong, and as a senior Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) he should know better. Read some material about the role of officers and enlisted personnel to get better feel for how military units function. There's a wealth of it out there, and some of it is very entertaining to read. Since your story is about characters in the military, it might help inform your plot.
"You're a Ghost?" asked the man, looking at Nathalya. She nodded.
"Scan in and wait here." said the man, seemingly unimpressed.
This exchange seems contradictory. The man does seem impressed, or at least surprised at first. Then suddenly he's "seemingly unimpressed."
That's enough nit-picking for now. Wow, I ended up writing a lot more on this than I intended, but I'm always happy to do it. I hope I didn't come off as too harsh. I'm only being honest, with the idea that I helping not only to improve your work, but also my own. I hope this helps!
-Graham |
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