|Hello Don Dadda,
Sorry for not taking your request earlier but, school is a deceitful mistress.
Anyway, I was reading your story and in all honesty, it sounds really good and you put plenty of detail in the story(gore and all), but I do have a few suggestions:
I feel like you should take the story from third person omniscient to first person(not that anything is wrong with third person omniscient, but it would seem more interesting if you put the story in a certain character's view,in fact, you could do a first person for each character.)
You do not have to put so many indentations in your story(unless that is your style)
Besides that this is a really good story that grabs your attention and forces you to read on.
Keep on writing,