The sentiment is inspirational but the wording is often problematic. When all around is darkness, not a ray? (no need for comma and the grammar would be ...with not a ray. It's a statement and not a question so end with a period.)
When kith and kin and one's own family (kith and kin are friends and family so the word family at the end is redundant)
When they even forsake him readily.
If their own selfishness does so dictate
(When he is forsaken readily as their own selfishness dictates)
Appears in a manner not expected (unexpected would be correct instead of not expected)
I wonder if Man treated the very Earth beneath his feet as the giver of life, if we would be in a better off than believing in a deity that is ephemeral and a new life after this one that will be perfection. If this life was all we have and the Earth was worshipped then we'd have cleaner air, water, and land plus we'd treat this life with more respect since there wouldn't be another.
Just a thought.....decent poem that needs some work.
You write that they have "sown hatred seeds" and this poem does exactly the same. Hate + Hate = Hate, War, Killing
It is the definition of insanity that you do the same thing over and over and hope for a different outcome.
They said the same thing about the white supremacist government of South Africa and it's Apartheid. Eventually it all fell apart and the Afrikaners were set free BUT in the aftermath the tribes began to kill each other again. SO, hate + hate = hate
When all men stop hating others THEN it may stop (if that day will ever come) but to say "Revenge pouring from a mountain cave" GUESS WHAT? That will mean someone in the West will want Revenge to pour from a mountain cave afterwards and the cycle continues. Stop spreading hate and feeling justified. You are just another part of the problem and not the solution.
I like most of this very well but it does get confusing as it goes on. The theme of "light" becomes more a talk of "time" and I would have preferred it stay about the former. That's just an opinion of course.
The thoughts are concise and the use of grammar is well done. Some commas that are unnecessary but that's a common enough mistake since comma use is confusing to most.
You would forget all about it because nothing can, or ever will, compare to the now. (that is where the comma belongs)
There is nothing I dislike more than saying "let's get closer to God" or "let's pray" when things like this happen. IF he/she is up there.. then they don't give a rat's ass.
All we do in the name of God is kill and be killed.
This really isn't a poem so much as a Join Islam Advertisement.
Try writing something uplifting and stop preaching.
Desolate and Desperate. Interesting piece of work.
People often do not see the "obvious child" as Paul Simon once named it in a song.
Or as I penned one time, it's about turning our heads so we don't see it.
Taking back your life from a tragic past is difficult. Visualizing speaking to the oppressor as you would now instead of as you were then helps somewhat. Mostly it's about forgiveness for that alone frees the forgiver more than even the forgiven.
Good piece that tells the story without a lot of words. Well done.
SIx hundred feeding the soil and the insects. Slowly returning to nature. As it should be. As for the the ethereal "freedom" outside their skin and bones?, well let's say if that gives the dying some comfort then let them believe it however false it may be.
This is a good start but I think it could be much more. The final part of making the Six Hundred Souls the shaft of the arrow would be better served with individual 3 word quotes of wisdom than the repeat of the same 3.
Man made God not the other way around. Why? When they had the whole world in front of them and nature was providing everything to sustain them, why did they go beyond Mother Earth for a spiritual, invisible, deity to worship that started with the sun. Fear. Fear of death most importantly. We can't just go back to the earth in our graves and that's it! We're far too important!
SO along comes religion to say yes, you are going to die and if you follow our ways, you will be reborn to live forever in a beautiful place where you will want for nothing forever and ever.
Do you know remember what it was like before you were born? No, and death is just like that. No wants forever and ever again.
That's reality. Not make-believe. How many more Holy men have to fall because they were frauds and pedophiles before folk stop putting other People on pedestals.
A provocative poem obviously but needs work. Holy soap? really? I think that something more profound could be said here.
If they saw me unclothed ...followed closely by, hidden beneath my skin...this makes the first line illogical and readers pick up on it. Not saying it's wrong but it doesn't make sense and folks reading it pick up on these things and it takes them out of the moment you are creating for them.
If they heard me speaking freely
Would they see it there?
That would be poetic, and profound but keep the following lines logical until the conclusion.
First loves are often very powerful BUT usually they are further romanticized as time goes on. Until you go back home and run into them and start to wonder if they've changed or you were just younger and too infatuated to notice some things way back when. They are startlingly blaring now.
This is clearly a case of infatuation and a mistake about to happen. Firstly, stop putting people on pedestals..they cannot live up to your high standards. When you see a person and start to "be entranced" realize that you do not see the whole picture ...yet.
How many do you know that say... after we were married it all changed. No it didn't...they were that person..but you didn't know it or give it enough time..or they hid it.