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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vagus
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Review by Vagus
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I think this is a great start. It held my attention and left me wanting the next chapter. Considering some proofing and polishing that needs to be done, it's probably at about the rough draft phase. The skeleton is fully calcified, the muscles work, but we need some skin to make it look good. That's easy enough though and should be secondary to completing a full rough draft (assuming there is more of the story to tell).

The first part reads a little sterile and raises questions about the country and laws that prevent the girl from going to school. I also wondered about the girl's age since "papa" seemed fine with chucking her in some male clothing to pass her off. But then later when we hit that steamy air-raid sensual scene, im thinking we're closer to adolescence. I did find your use of "missiles" interesting as the attacker's ordnance. Typically, bombs are dropped because they're cheaper and better proliferated throughout the world's militaries. The use of missiles reads (to me) as a hint at the identity of the attacking military as a first world nation. Which is totally fine if that's the direction you're taking, just pointing out the small things some readers pick up on.

The ending. I liked it, but you should be aware that you setup a premium moment for hilarity. Faddey was all, "SO GLAD YOU'RE A GIRL!!!!" Mega relief. Haha

Gave it a 3 based on proofing issues and the draft stage of the work. Hope to see the next version!
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