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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vicentiu
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10 Public Reviews Given
10 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello , MrsMink ! I have just finished reading your work, "Stranger in the woods" , and wanted to leave you a review. Please do take into account that these are my observations alone, not yours, and as such only take what you like and leave the rest.

Overall Impression:

I really liked this piece. It had just the right amount of ghost story, and really mixed in other elements (the cow and foxes, the custody battle) fantastically well. And the ending was both realistic and satisfactory- realistic because of the way Jacob interacted with his daughter, Bailey, and because of how the ghost's words actually gave him comfort. Satisfactory because it really explained, in a convenient and interesting way, the situation that Jacob had just gone through.

Positive Areas:

-The beginning is very good, and gives various hints about the previous marriage. I also liked how Jacob sprang into action at the coyote sound- adrenaline can make you forget almost anything.

-The Jeb Springer scene is absolutely fantastic- it was both explanatory and evocative of strong emotions.

-The Bailey scene, too, was nice, for reasons mentioned above.

-All of your transitional scenes were well thought out, and played into the story well.

Areas in Need of Improvement:

-Hearing the coyote's distant sound may have been unrealistic- if Jacob was going on his four wheeler as fast as it would take him, I am guessing that would cover a significant amount of ground. Maybe it was just me, but I associated coyote with cow- and Jacob probably could not have heard the coyote if it were by the cow.

Ideas for Areas to Modify:

-Maybe you could have Jacob actually see a coyote, or a pack of coyotes, running towards the area of the cow.

-Also, a minor idea that most probably won't even notice: I am assuming, from your description of birth, that the calf was in a "normal position" in the mother's womb. Normally, calving chains, a rope, or even a calf puller would be used to pull such a calf out. Also, once the calf is out, Jacob would have to clean out its nose with his fingers due to amniotic fluids filling it up. Again- these are such minor, technical details that most wouldn't notice, but if you're going for realism, they are important.

All in all, I absolutely loved this piece! Thank you for a great read.

Keep writing!!!

Sincerely,

Vice.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello , amy77824 ! I have just finished reading your work, "Zutara Week 2012 - Serendipity" , and wanted to leave you a review as a student of the PDG Rockin' Review Academy. Please do take into account that these are my observations alone, not yours, and as such only take what you like and leave the rest.

This is a very original and interesting piece. I loved how you used three different points of view, and how each one added to the others. I do wonder, though, if there might have been a way to tell the same story without breaking narrative in order to switch points of view? For instance, you might have been able to have Katara lulled to sleep by the motion of the train as it clattered along, and then say that the crying was not enough to wake her. That could have provided a natural switch for you to say something like, "At the train's destination, an orange glow lit the station's platform as Zuko stood on there waiting for the 7'o'clock train to arrive." From there on, you could have had Katara's point of view as Zuko proposed, which, I think, would have allowed you to show more emotion at that time. And then you could have faded to black, allowing for yet another natural switch into the Conductor's point of view.

Other than that, I think that your story was mostly solid. There were a few minor flaws with the piece, however. In the line I quoted, it is awkward how you said "Zuko stood on there". I would have omitted the on. And when Zuko proposes to Katara, the "with" should be capitalized after he asks "Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" The other issues were mostly with format, such as the lack of a line between the first and second paragraphs, and between spoken sentences- or, more accurately, changes in speakers.

However, I truly did love the piece, and I do hoe to see much much more from you!

Sincerely,

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3
3
Review of A Doves Plea  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello , Green Eyed Dove ! I have just finished reading your work, "A Doves Plea" , and wanted to leave you a review. Please do take into account that these are my observations alone, not yours, and as such only take what you like and leave the rest.

I think that your first paragraph of the poem (for the purposes of this review, I am not counting the first two paragraphs before the poem) was your strongest, for lots of reasons: First off, it was visually pleasing, what with its italics and bolds as well as font and color changes. That effect kind of petered off through the second and third paragraphs, and was almost non-existent in the fourth.

Another reason for the first paragraph's strength was it variety, both in line length and in subject matter. Though it all tied together, it went from the moon, to a prayer, to a meeting: it was effective and interesting.

Your second paragraph, as well as your third, were both good in variety on line length. The fourth, however, was just too short to get a feeling of that. The second paragraph was good on explaining the inner emotions you felt while you made your plea.

The third seemed to come in three parts- one in which you asked for a meeting, another in which you accepted responsibility for what would happen at that meeting, and a final one asking for a sign. It too, was effective, but I think it could have been more effective if you took the line starting with, "I begged [...]" and made a new paragraph, adding the fourth paragraph (which started with "I'll count [...]") into that new one.

Doing that would have, in my opinion at least, improved the visual quality of both the third and the fourth paragraphs (because the third would be mostly about uniform and the fourth fairly varied), as well as linked the subject matter more coherently.

All in all, this poem was very good. I think it showed a lot of emotion on your part, as well as evoked a swelling of hope for you and your meeting on the reader's part.

Sincerely,

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