ALONE
A hard look at the mean streets through the eyes of a cop.
Alan and I had responded to a disturbance call to a convenience store about incorrect change.How about: Alan and I responded to a disturbance call about incorrect change at a convenience store It was a s***-ass dumb call, but one that we had been assigned. When we arrived, the tellerclerk? and the complainant were bickering and arguing like two school children and we'd just gotten them calmed down and talking in coherent sentences when the door to the Qwiki-mart burst opened and in ran these two idiots, looking like Bonnie and Clyde.A very long sentence. I'd break it up after children. They didn't appear too happy to see us.
Bonnie and Clyde drew out some nice looking shotguns and told everyone in the Qwiki-mart to put their hands up, us included. They had the drop on us, so we complied and they cleaned the store{c:red)cash register? out in about forty seconds or so. Alan and I stood there for a moment, looking at the other two and then we realized we'd better do something as we watched Bonnie and Clyde running to their car. We both drew our Glocks and ran out, screaming for them to stop. A couple of run-on sentences need commas to make them legal
We exited to the sound of screeching tires and Alan screaming at me to jump in the cruiser. We raced off after them, lights and siren wailing, and I called in some back up.backup or back-up? After a minute into the chase the suspects realized they couldn't shake us and ditched their car. Alan drove the cruiser in front of them ,cutting them off. and we jumped out, pointing our guns and ordering them to let us see... to see their hands. They were caught out in the open, with no one around to take hostage, so both of them started shooting at us.
Alan took cover and crouched around tobehind the front of the cruiser and shot Bonnie almost immediately.You don't establish where the narrator took cover. Since you want continuity with Alan shooting and Bonnie dropping, I'd have the narrator establish his position BEFORE "alan took cover"
She dropped and when Clyde brought his shotgun up to use with his handgun, I felt like I had just lost all my money in Double Jeopardy. Before he could unload directly into both of us, I dove over the hood of the cruiser and landed in a neat pile OK you've got him on one side of the cruiser--but is he on the same side as Alan? It seems so because the gun could "unload directly into both of us" You have to let the reader know their positions. Which side would provide cover? Later on Alan falls over on him. How did that happen if the dove to the other side of the cruiser?
while his weapons barked.I don't see him shooting both a shotgun and a pistol at the same time. Thats why I cut the handgun out above. I don't see that two guns help, and it probably hurts your authenticity
I looked down to see that my radio had saved my life. It was frazzled, broken, and beyond repair; however this was probably the one time in my life that a piece of electronics worked for me. I like the radio gimmick, but two things:1. Hit by only one pellet from shotgun? Possible. 2.You don't have anything about feeling the shot hit the radio and him thinking he was hit. Might be good for a line or two. Or you could have a comedic effect with him trying to talk with the dispatcher "Shots fired." "Did you say, shots fired?" Squawwkkk...."
There was a moment in which I felt limitless possibilities that my guardian angels were looking over me. 1Couple of things. Editors hate the use of There was, there is, there could be, etc. 2.The sentence doesn't scan very well. Try reading aloud.The problem seems to be in the "limitless possiblities that" wording. I like the meaning of it. Can you rethink and rewrite?
Then something landed on top of me as I came to my knees; I pushing the thing away and saw it was Alan. I didn't even have time to react as another shotgun blast took out the windshield of the cruiser, the deadly pellets whizzing past my ear.Positioning question again? If he's still on his knees, how pellets hitting windshied whiz past his ear? To distract Clyde, I returned fire in order to drag my partner to safety. Alan was bleeding out of his face, neck, and arms. The side of his head had been peeled away by the shotgun blast and I felt sick as blood ran freely from the wound.
My partner Alan was my best friend, my confidante.How about: Alan was not just my partner, but my best friend. Is confidante too metrosexual for the genre? He and I had been partners since we had joined with the force, eight years ago, and we'd been through everything together.had been is passive tense and used freely here and elsewhere. You ought to get used to picking this up and trying to change to more active verb tense. Example: We partnered up when we joined the force and went through everthing together.
I'd cry now at his loss, but there was still something in the back of my head that wanted me to believe he would survive. Then again, there's another thing that tells me he's dead.You change your Point of Vies to present here. There is...tells me. It's my gut. There's no way someone could've survived his injuries.
I dragged him to the driver's side of the car, and remembering my radio was destroyed,{c:blue)Here's a good place to introduce a little of the incoherence of action: You could have him try to use His radio. He's in shock, enraged, pumping adrenalin--and suddenly remembers it's cratered.
I managed to use the car radio to call in an ambulance as I watched Clyde take off. I left my partner to their care and ran after his murderer.whoa! This sounds like they've already arrived. Might want to give a better explanation?
My foot chase with Clyde lasted about six or seven city blocks, which equaled about a quarter mile of full out running. Now, I'm hardly the best runner in the world, but Clyde made me look like Ben Johnston and I quickly closed the gap between us before Clyde ran down the a instead of the? cold, dark, slimy alley.
And then it hit me like a brick wall; I was alone with a murderer. Actually not alone with. Rewrite to give the sense of being after the murderer without help.
The darkness consumed no it didn't. Covered? Concealed? enveloped? me as I chased my suspect down the alley. He was stumbling into boxes and through the slime of the alley.How about describing both men stumbling blindly down the alley with all the garbage and junk. They are both terrified--but your guy has the edge because he's enraged. At some point, have him go stone cold. Terrified, and furious at what he'd done, I ran blindly, my heart pounding incessantly in my ears. Sirens rose in the distance and I knew help was out there, somewhere.
I kicked through the garbage in the alley, my pant legs tearing as I caught edges of crates and boxes. I was sweating, tired, and wanted to give up, but of course I also had a privileged duty to protect society from animals like him. I'm not sure his primary motivation is to protect and serve at this point. How about something like:Of course I had a duty to protect society...but this chase was personal because of Alan."
Ahead, he stumbled and hit the side of the alley wall. There was a crash as he went tumbling through a door. I had to go in after him. If I lost him, what would I tell my partner's widow and their children?I'd use quotes here I'm sorry; I let the bastard get away. I reached down inside myself for courage and resolve.
I drew my Glock.I got a problem with this. I know he can run faster with it holstered--but would you chase a guy with a gun through a dark alley without a gun in YOUR hand? The darkness in the portal stood like a carnivorous, hungry tiger.darkness stands? I like the tiger image. You could use:The broken door swayed open, the darkness within reminded me of the cave of a... (portal is a little much)
I only had my mini-maglite on my belt, where it would stay. My suspect didn't have a flashlight, and there was no damn way I was going to give him a bull’s eye to shoot at. He wouldn't give me one.How about: Although I had my mini-maglite on my belt, it would stay there because there was no damn way I was going to give him a bull’s eye to shoot at. My suspect didn't have a flashlight, and he wouldn't give me a target.
My heart pounded against my chest as I took a breath of reassurance and toed the door open. The “thunk” of my foot hitting the steel traveled through the darkness. At this moment my ears seemed capable of picking up sound but the only thing that confronted me was silence; a long, drawn-out eerie silence. I stepped inside, my heart pounding faster and faster, my breathing shallow. I had to calm down and relax. If I didn't I wouldn't able to shoot straight, think clearly, and most important of all...get my man.Several minor grammar punctuations need revising or implementing in above paragraph.
I moved through the hallway quickly, but cautiously. All the doors I tried were locked. Finally the hallway led me to a flight of moonlit stairs on which I could see the impression of fresh footsteps left in the dust.
Could see, is another no-no to eidtors. You either saw them or did not. All the 'could'+ verb constructions are passive and weak. Run a search for "could" constructions in your word processor and edit them out, and you will be ahead of most writers.
I moved up to the landing, careful to cover my back. I could feel the hairs on my neck stick up like little radar antennae and they pointed me in the direction of the suspect, so I followed their lead. I had to follow their lead.
I came to another hallway. It smelled terrible. I couldn't pinpoint the smell, but it was the smell of decay. Something had died up here, literally, and before I could figure out what it was, out of the darkness came a cry, a crash, and the sound of splintering wood.
Cautiously I approached the corner and peered around it. My suspect was kicking at a door that appeared not to have been used in decades.Can he tell that in the dark? Maybe you put this phrase after something about the dust flying off. Dust rolled off the doorway each time he struck it, and without warning, it gave way and fell into the room. My suspect dashed inside.
Running up to the door I peered inside. As I expected, it was pitch dark and a new shot of adrenaline hit my system; a new dose of fear pumped me up. The smell emanating from the room caught me off guard as I paused and thought about going in but didn't because I knew the little bugger was waiting for me.give me a little punctuation help here. And I'd ney paragraph the next dialogue
"I'm a Police Officer! I know you're in there!" I shout at the suspect. "Come out now, or I'm coming in after you!" How many times have we heard these same old lines? Can you come up with something different? "I got you now, you little mf."
Silence. "Don't make me come in there after you!" I shout.You change your POV here to present ( I shout, I pull) More silence. Damn, now I have to go inside. I pull my mini-maglite from my belt and slowly, silently got down on my hands and knees and prepare to crawl along the floor. Just my luck, the smell seems to be coming worse from the floor. It reminded me of a slaughterhouse in the summer.
Like every good landed Irishman, my dad was a cop and he died doing his duty.I like the idea of getting into his head, but I think you need to preface this with something like: "It reminded me of the slaughterhouse in our neiborhood when I was a child. Like many Irishmen, my dad was a cop {surely all landed Irishmen aren't] and it was all he could afford. He died doing his duty...etc." Much like I might tonight. I felt no selfish pride in my actions because I knew my kids would never know me...only faded memories, if I died here, like this. What good would I be to them dead? Sure, my wife would be able to take care of them. But they'd receive my possible commendation, my "early" retirement gift, and I'd be stuck in the paper somewhere between "Dear Abbey" and "Ann Landers". I wanted to be remembered for more than fertilizing the garden and blind stupidity. And that's what I was being...stupid. However, I had a good reason for being this stupid: Alan.
While I crawled along the hard wood floor as silently as I could, the hairs on the back of my neck kept me on track.While I thought the radar hairs was okay the first time, it's been a while and the reader has probably forgotten the image--and you're pushing reality here anyway. The closer I got to the center of the room, the more the smell grew worse.the worse the smell grew? It was pitch dark and I had to feel my way slowly along. I didn't have the luxury of knowing where I was going, as my suspect probably did. I found a corner and then felt linoleum. This was probably the kitchen to my left. I was trying to make a mental picture of the apartment in my head, and now I fit the kitchen in to the plan.
I heard a click in the darkness. Dry fire. Then I heard someone curse. I saw the flash of the gun, and the report pierced my ears. I sucked in my breath, closed my eyes in terror and waited for the piercing pain that would signify my end.
If I had heard the shot, that meant I wasn't hit. I was just going to make the observation that waiting for the pain was rideiculous. It would have been instantaneous.That's at least what they told us in the Academy or maybe I heard it in a movie, but it didn’t matter because I was still alive! I had to focus on my suspect and my antennae were focused ahead of me, about ten feet away. I only had one shot at this, and if I couldn't find him with my first shot, I was dead. I readied my mini-maglite and prepared to twist it on as I reflexively gripped my sidearm and slowly rose to one knee.
This was my chance. I felt I had him localized and I turned on my flashlight. The light came on and illuminated the far wall. My suspect wasn't there. I looked to my left and saw him leaping toward me. My shoulder slammed into the wall, and he and I tumbled to the ground. we tumbled?
I felt a punch land on my thigh. I dropped him with two punches, then jumped on top of himdropped him and jumpted on top? they were both on the ground and tried to entangle his arms while I hit him. We disentangled and after he threw me over on my back, he rolled to one knee to strike me. I felt the room start to spin, and my head hit the ground. He was now standing over me and started boot kicking my rib cage; I hoped my kevlar vest was protecting my ribs because he was really laying into me.was standing, was protecting, was laying--are all passive voice. "He stood over me. I hoped my vest protected me [although I think he'd know, don't you]as he laid into me."
Managing to hug his left ankle, I swept his stable foot out from under him.I didnt understand this. He came crashing down onto the floor and my brain fought harder to focus. I had to get him under control, or he would kill me. Sick to my stomach and exhausted, I jumped on top of him.
Not thinking I could go on anymore, we started to wrestle on the dusty floor. This reads as though both parties agreed that he couldn't go on so they started to wrestle We both gained momentary advantages, landed punches, and had several more miss. Every fighter has a good plan going into a fight, and every fighter has that plan destroyed when he gets hit. Unluckily, I was that fighter. He was going berserk; I was taking a pounding and I didn't know what to do to get him under control.
Getting behind him how did this miracle occur?Sounds like the writer who was asked by his editor about how the hero managed to cross a thirty foot chasm. The writer went out and came back with the rewrite: After making a world record thirty one foot leap, I resumed my journey on the other side.
I wrapped my arms around his waist while he tried to elbow me and throw me of balance so I would release my grip, but I had him firmly in a bear hug. I pressed all my weight on him and his legs buckled. The fight was over when his face smashed into the hard floor. He went limp in my grasp and my weakened arms handcuffed him.
Leaning back on the wall, I sighed and looked down at him with weariness. I could barely feel myself,I think this needs some rethinking and a rewrite. and my lungs heaved for oxygen. I was sweating profusely and I wiped some of it off my brow and then realized, with elation, that I had won this round. Serves him right, I thought as my body started to recharge. He had only been fighting for his freedom.
I had been fighting for my life.I'm not sure about this. the bad guy had to know he was a cop killer and probably a dead man if he got caught so he had a pretty desperate reason to fight. But what the hero had was the advantage of rage caused by revenge for his friend. "My fight was personal. I fought to revenge Alan."
Summary:
Good story, lots of action, fast paced.
Don't know if this is a short story or the beginning of a novel.
Grammar: Generally pretty good, you basically know the rules, but when you get into an action scene you seem to forget grammar and leave out punctuation on compound sentences and such. If your word processing software is current versions of Word or Word Perfect, they have grammar checkers built in that will help spot this.
We never get to know the name of the policeman, only that he's Irish. You could introduce him with some dialogue with Alan, either in their squad car,in the convenience store, or during their gun battle. A rather poignant way would be for Alan to call his name in a death scene.
There's not much dialogue so the narrator (you) tells us almost everything instead of showing us.
In gun battles and fights, you have to really work out the choreography to make them work, especially in long and detailed scenes. It's not hard to describe something like: "We took cover behind the cars and fired at each other." But when you start getting into details it becomes more complex, and you have to reread to make sure the details mesh. Sometimes it takes another reader to point out problems, because while we can see with our mind what we mean to describe, the scene may not play that well with an outside reader.
I love this genre and am glad you are aboard. I'm new here too, so we'll have to see what the others say. |
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