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Review by WJ Stams
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
My overall review of this story is that it is extremely well-written, full of great imagery, and nice and clean. It put me to shame. *Smile*

Before I go into the very few things I found, which may or may not need attention, I'd like to point out some things I really liked -- I mean, besides the WHOLE story.

I was right there with the characters, feeling every moment with them. You are very good at captivating and holding a reader's attention. I should know. I don't like to read.

Every setting, every word spoken or thought, and every action the characters took work superbly.

In particular, I love how you addressed the scene in the car with Gwen - switching the channels and yelling to get Larry to come back to the car - and then later, you go back to the scene, only from Larry's point of view, addressing the same actions. Very clever!

And, I loved your epilogue. It was both informative and creative. It helped tie up the loose ends. (side note: now I know how to do that *Pthb* )

There are some areas I thought I would bring to your attention. But, keep in mind, it was hard to find too much going wrong in this story.

I wasn't sure if I should address any minor grammatical or spelling errors; but, since you did such a good job, I'm going to point them out. They are so minor.



*Check2* The word "floormat" should be "floor mat". I had to look that one up myself.



*Check2* In the following sentence, I'm not sure the comma should be there after the word "first". I see how you could read it either way. But, it makes more sense to me without the comma.


Before slipping back into her saddle oxfords, she leaned forward to turn on the radio and pressed the first, station pre-set button.


*Check2* I got a little confused, when I first read this:

“A full moon hung in the sky on a clear, cool September night, …”
Then I realized you were referring to the night they were talking about on the radio. I would have gotten it right away had you replaced “a” with “that” - making it:
“A full moon hung in the sky on that clear, cool September night, …”


*Check2* In this paragraph, the word extraordinary left me hanging. It works, but I might have used “unusually well-coordinated” or something that explained why it was extraordinary. For instance:


“The former prom queen, and girl voted most likely to succeed by her classmates at Sault High, never came back. During an unusually well-coordinated effort, the police were joined by hundreds of concerned citizens who searched for two weeks along roads and back into much of the densely forested areas of Michigan's Upper Peninsula.”


*Check2* In the following paragraph, you can probably use either
“Less likely was the possibility…” OR
“Less likely, was the possibility…”

The latter works better for me. It would read:

“Less likely, was the possibility that she had been the victim of a hit and run accident.”


*Check2* Maybe it's really just me... but the following sentence is so long that it was hard for me to follow. Yet it makes sense to group the actions. I’m not sure how you could effectively break it down while still retaining the flow. The sentence does still work. I’m sure it will be fine. I just had to read it three times to get it.


Engine idling and driver's side door left open, Larry Taylor had stepped out of his father's Chrysler to dispose of the used condom, toss the thick blanket, beneath which they had lain, back into the trunk, and take a leak.


*Check2* Did you mean for these tildes to be aligned to the far right?

~ ~ ~

*Check2* The sentence… “Short, fat, and nearly bald except for a few combed-over wisps of red hair, he tapped the microphone a couple of times…” doesn’t sound right to me. But, that might just be me. *Smile*



*Check2* For the following sentence, I had to look up the word “toward / towards” because I wasn’t sure about it’s usage. In fact, when I looked it up, it stated that for American English, “toward” is more common; while in British English, “towards” is more common . I just thought that was interesting to note.


Turning back towards the dead animal, Larry witnessed yet another amazing transformation.


*Check2* The only thing I did really wonder about, as far as the storytelling goes, is how Larry seemed so composed during the moments right after the wolf is shot. I think a tiny bit more fear and emotion would have made that part more real to me. When Larry reached over and stroked Gwen's face, as she lay there passed out... I felt that moment was just too calm, considering what he had just seen.



*Check2* Just out of curiosity, if you were ever to publish this, would you have to get permission from Sears and the few bands you referred to?



Like I said, most of it is very minor. And, some of it is just my opinion. I hope I did alright with the review. Please let me know. It was my first time. *Smile*

I'd really like to read more from you. Great job!

-Wendy (WJStams)






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