\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writebe4dawn
Review Requests: ON
20 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Passenger  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very interesting!

Title: Let me identify what would be happening. I’ve never personally traveled on a train, so it wouldn’t have been my first guess (I lack that experience), but you made it understandable.

Beginning: Good beginning. You started it at the point of action, which caught my interest and introduced the setting through the main character’s (MC) experience of it. We learn a little bit about the MC from his reaction to boarding the train. Then you launch into dialogue between him and another passenger, which made him even more real.

I liked that the supporting character was different, not someone common. That gave additional richness to the story.

You very easily led the action from one character to another and made them all unique.

I’m going to challenge you with this next part: You said John’s pulse throbbed along his temples. As I read your story, I tried to imagine that, but since we can’t see some’s temples throbbing, I couldn’t do it. I know we can feel our own temples throbbing, but since we were talking about another person, as opposed to ourselves, my mind didn’t make that jump. So I would write that differently, in a way that relates to the way the reader is looking at the character you’re referring to. I personally think the easiest way to do it would be to say something like, “John pressed into his temples with his palm. They ached with tension,” or “Even as he pushed down on them, his pulse rose up, insisting that his stress be noticed.” I just think it requires guiding the reader more, to the inside of John, since we’re looking at his outside. I hope that makes sense.

Climax: I’m wondering if you had a word count with this story because you jumped to this part quickly. I was enjoying finding more out about the characters, so I was wishing you would’ve given us more before you got to this part.

Where you say “his gaze whipped around the car,” you lost me because I don’t know his gaze, but you did tell me about John, so I’d like to read your description of the action coming from inside him. “his gaze” distances me from the character at a time when you want us to feel what he’s experiencing - panic.

The smell of burning rotted meat (oooh, gross, man! 🤮) is used too often and I bet you can think of an even grosser analogy 😂.

Ending: I thought it was a nice escalation from what happened on the train. You held back details that you introduced here to help the story make sense and make it even more riveting. I liked the drama of the ending.

Overall: Very well written story, with only minor tweaks suggested. I think the things I noticed would be hard to see as a writer involved in your story. I doubt I would recognize issues like that in my stories. It probably takes the eyes of a second person or reading it again after you’ve had time to disconnect from your story. I am very impressed with the quality of your writing and glad I took some time to read and review it. I liked the variety of subjects you consider! I’ll continue to read the things you suggested to me, as I have time, and review them. I hope you got something out of what I said and felt the kindness behind it.

I’ll read another short story soon! Hope you’re doing well 🙂
2
2
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
👏 great job!

Highlights:🌠✨

The rhyme pattern. Very playful and fun. Lends to the sense of humor in the poem.

Simplicity of the subject and what you said about it. Easy to follow.

I think good poetry allows the reader to share the writer’s emotions. I could sense your frustration about the topic in your tone, along with your humor.

The ending had a fun rhyme pattern and summed up the poem well.

5 stars! I’m also going to mark it as one of my favorites 🙂
3
3
Review of Mom just Laughed  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute and funny. Dialogue is hard for many people to write, but this flows very realistically and keeps the reader smiling.

I only noticed one possible typo, but it could be a choice you made for tone. It was,”’How do you know this.” When I read the story, I thought the character was really asking, rather than saying that rhetorically, so I was thinking that sentence would end with a question mark. Just something to consider.

Great flash fiction. I’ve tried to write flash fiction myself and also used dialogue. It’s a great tool to catch readers’ interest and keep the pace going.

You did a great job. 5 stars!
4
4
Review of HOTDOGS  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lol! I love it! Very creative! I used to love hot dogs as a kid until I found out what they were made of. Since that time, I became a vegetarian - for about 25 years now. Vegetarian hot dogs are a lot less stressful. I think there’s still a lot of flavorings, but mostly healthy tofu other than that.

I love poems that have humor, so I really enjoyed your acrostic poem. Thank you for sharing it.
5
5
Review of ABC Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi! I love this idea. You did a great job with it. Lots of wisdom here and it is well-written. There were some awkward places, so I made some suggestions below. Sometimes I wasn’t sure what you were intending to say, so you’ll want to read these over to see if you think they work.
D - D is for distraction which is a good tool to find patience - or - maintain our patience.
M is for feeling mad, which we should avoid.
O - not sure what you mean here. Maybe “To best work with opposition, we seek a team effort that will best lead to peace and harmony.”
R - don’t understand what you mean here. Maybe “R is for the reasons on which we base harmony.”
S - Eventually, our sadness will change to gladness.

Hope this helps! I really enjoyed it. I’m going to mark it as one of my favorites.
6
6
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another great one! My favorite part is, “Build your life, not just on heights, But on the depth of inner sights.” For me, that sums up the poem. I also like the way you used the dashes. Very well done.
7
7
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
I wanted to review this because you sounded so defeated.

But I think writing 13 chapters is quite a feat! Because there was a lot here, I’m going to make some overall beginning suggestions and then, if you decide to revise it, I’d be willing to continue to review it as you make changes. Just let me know if it gets updated.

Your story is very imaginative. I would say that is one of your top strengths. It’s a very important strength because it keeps fresh ideas generating for writing. Since you have all these cool ideas, you want your writing to be as crisp and clear as possible. Think of it like looking at them through a window. When the window isn’t clear, it’s harder to visualize what’s happening.

When I edit my writing to make it more clear, I do these things:
1) simplify. If you have 3 pencils, two pens, and 10 crayons, it will be hard for someone to quickly pick out the blue crayon. But if you simplify that set to 1 pencil, one pen, and three crayons, they’ll see the blue one you’re talking about a lot faster. It’s the same with sentences. Each one represents an idea your fantastic imagination came up with. To make it clear to the reader, simplify the sentence until it has only the words/ideas the reader needs to imagine the same things you did. Sometimes it helps to have someone read it aloud, while you listen. When I do that, I catch things I didn’t when I was writing it. Keep the things that sound true for the story and get rid of anything that stands in the way of that.
2) One really important tool for simplifying is punctuation. I once read that punctuation marks are like road signs. A period says, “This is the end of my idea.” A comma is like, “I better slow down here, so the reader doesn’t get confused.” There is a great, often used book that has so many tips for things like this. I’m away from my library right now, so I’ll have to get back to you about the title. It’s definitely worth purchasing.
3) One of my high school English teachers is famous for saying, “Specific is terrific.” She taught me to make my writing stronger by taking out action words/verbs that are general and replacing them with more concrete words. Here’s an example from the beginning of your story: You said, “James was the name they chose for their son.” You could rewrite that as, “They chose the name James for their son,” or “His parents chose to name him James.” Any sentence with a not-so-strong verb - that’s how you can make it stronger.

I’m sending you 300 points because I have confidence in you. The imagination that a story needs is already there. It just needs to be cleaned up a little so the reader can see these happenings as vividly as you did. That’s why you write stories.

Last, but not least, when I started writing, it was poetry. I had to work really hard to write good stories and I’m still in the process of doing that! I think wise people never stop learning, especially about things they enjoy. Most people, including me, learn from mistakes, so this comes from countless mistakes that I’ve made myself. You’re not alone.

So, if you decide to revise this, you’re welcome to send it to me again. I enjoyed reading it.
8
8
Review of Against the fall  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent! Very clear writing and rhythm pattern. I can tell that you chose your words very carefully, which is tougher when they have to rhyme, and understand the reasoning behind the ones you chose. This is passionately motivational. You recognize that someone may be starting at a low point, which will draw a person who needs the poem into it; they know you get it right from the start. You come in through that door and make very persuasive arguments for hanging in there and not giving up. So many people need this message. I see it as a poem that should be passed on, stuck on the refrigerator and bathroom mirror, to remember that, “Yep, baby, you got this!” 5 stars!
9
9
Review of The Course  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the form and your use of it. I also appreciate its optimism.
10
10
Review of Music to the Ears  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Bravo! I love the prosody of your poetry. Your writing is very clear. As a music lover, I also appreciated that you included a wide variety of music, saying something unique and interesting about each one. A+!
11
11
Review of Twenty-Two  Open in new Window.
Review by writebeforedawn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I enjoyed this. Lots of interesting facts about 22 that I probably wouldn’t have thought of. Content is very creative. The only serious thing I can suggest is following a pattern for each line’s syllable count (i.e., 14, 8, 14, 8). You’re already doing a great job of following a pattern for rhyme. Using one for syllable count gives the poem more cohesiveness. I do that for rhyming and free verse, even though, in free verse, it’s not as expected. Nice work! I’d love to read more of it.
11 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 1 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writebe4dawn