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Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Growth  
Review by TheWritingTutor
Rated: E | (3.5)
HI Raven. This is a very good poem. I am always intrigued as most people are with the topic of growth in our lives.

Mechanically your work looks very sound. I like the almost rhythmic metronome feel and systematic non-punctuation of the lines that give it that distinction. I also like the length of the poem. As a reader I am not overburdened.

There are two specific areas of your composition that think you may want to reconsider. The first is writing a bit more in the metaphorical sense rater than the literal. This lets the reader envision what you are attempting to convey rather than outright telling the reader a literal term that they must understand. Secondly, there seems to be a bit of conflict between the overall message of the poem of what I think you are trying to communicate (you will make it & you will survive) and (You will not all survive this). I am unsure if you are intending to create this conflict for the reader.

That being said I will once again reiterate that to me, this is a very nice poem and in the future I look forward to reading more of your work.

Best regards.
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Review of Depression  
Review by TheWritingTutor
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi. Tmt. This is an excellent poem. I personally like the concept of addressing depression in a poetic genre which leaves a seemingly endless amount of possible directions you could take the work. To me the work flows quite nicely and keeps me engaged. The progression of the poem with lines such as "the pressure builds" & "And yet" keep my attention and make me anticipate the next line.

There is one aspect to your writing that I think might make an interesting change to the impact of the poem on your readers. That is the variation or the switching from the literal to the metaphorical sense in two specific places in the poem but then leaving the literal aspect to close the work.

To explain: The poem itself is surrounding a whole ensemble of human emotions. You begin with "feeling depressed, state of mind, coming out, pressure builds, so many thoughts, spiritual self" and alike. To me this is the main driving aspect of the work it invites me or rather compels me to immediately emphasize with the message you are trying to convey and you have my complete attention. Also, your last two lines: "But they are glued together by my flesh - indefinitely" are awesome!


What pulls me back from being totally immersed in the poem are two very specific lines "Security walls made of thick metals" and "Brain and skull."

I would simply like to suggest that using a metaphor for these lines or removing them completely may give the poem even greater strength. Consequently if you do decide to implement metaphors they should work in direct relation with the powerhouse conclusion. A literal line as contrast to emphasize your impact on the reader.

I envision to be something like:


If your depressed - (Great introduction, I'm engaged)

A state of mind - (I'm searching my emotions)

Blocking anything - (My anticipation builds)

The pressure builds - (I'm engaged even further)

Wanting to escape - (I'm confirming my desire)

Uninterested in your spiritual self AND They wish to be freed - (Nice transition leading me to the literal from the emotional)

But are glued together by my flesh - (A sledgehammer finish bringing the reader into the literal)


Nice writing my friend.

I look forward to reading more your work.

Best regards.




3
3
Review by TheWritingTutor
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Simplicity.

This is an interesting piece of writing. What first caught my attention was its striking title which I believe serves you well. Your vivid descriptions of specifics like closet clutter and accounting for the percentage of time invested dealing with such issues early in the work keeps me engaged. I am invited to continue and only so with apprehension under my newly formed anxiety that I too may be found guilty of the crime of accumulation. As a reader I can certainly tell that organization is quite high on your list and needs to be taken seriously. You have even given much thought on advising others on how to obtain such a goal. God help the hoarder that ever crosses your path.

As a healthy criticism towards your writing I would like to make a few observations that may be of use to you. Your formatting seems to be a bit peculiar. The ideas that you have noted in the beginning of the paragraphs are excellent but the format itself has it's applications else-ware such as a bullet pointed business flyer or instructional (How To) corporate OSHA manual. It's layout is seemingly more of a excuse the term,(laundry list)instead of paragraphs of a story in which you have also included embolden text as a type of signpost to emphasize it's categorical importance. This is not necessary.

It is clear that the all of your listed items are chiefly important to you but yet you only began to touch on WHY these items are important such as preparing an emergency bag for keepsakes and necessities that are essential to your family's survival. (As a reader that's what I wanted to know, I was waiting for you to captivate me by sharing a personal experience and describing to me WHY what you are doing is so important and why we as a readers should do it also.)

Additionally the context writing likens itself to the short story "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. If you have not had the pleasure of reading it I highly recommend it. I think you will quickly recognize in the writing that the narration of the story is entirely about a dominant mother) and her giving and endless barrage of instructions.

This is to be received as a positive review but I am a bit unsure of your intent to compose a story or something of a narrated instructional self help guide.

I will finish by saying that readers will act upon your advise because of your expertise but only if you strike an emotion within them that makes them react, in your writing tell them WHY what you are telling them is important and you give them that reason.



Thank you for your writing Simplicity. Should you decide to revise "The bondage of possessions" please let me know I look forward to reading it again when polished.

Best regards.


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