by Being Diane
The slow dying of my son, Chris
I regret so much in our relationship. My biggest one is that you despise me. Consequently, I discover from the rest of the family that we are so considerably identical. Continually deprived of people to just be kind to us. . At one time I cared what people thought. I used to follow the wrong, charmed, circle anywhere they wanted to go. I craved someone liking me and I let them treat me anyway they wanted to. I dropped to their level. I didn't know people would love me just for who I was; not for who I pretended to be. Down deep in my soul there was a deeper place for me. An abyss that makes you want more. When I found my soul no one could stop me. I was smart, quick witted, and pretty. I truly wasn't prepared for what happened next but it gave me a reason for living and living the right way.
At that time, December 23, 1979 at 7:14 in the morning I found out that my life would never be the same. I was forever changed into a woman that loved so deeply that I didn't know where that love resided in my body. I wasn't quite ready for loving someone so deeply when we had first met but it happened none the less. You rebuilt everyone's life. When I held you my life was complete. I had always said that I would never have any children you changed that completely. Your Dad's spiritual Indian grandmother, Granny Howard prayed for a Howard boy so her life on Earth would be complete. So I had you nine months and one day after your Dad I were married. When they first put you in my arms and I fed you with my breast I knew in an instant that our Heavenly Father made us for having and loving children. I finally felt complete. I carried you around like I had conceived a king. My Mom became a different character. Her little heart grew like the Grinch did when he wanted to give the little “Who” people their Christmas back. Your Dad said Mom would peck on the nursery window and say to him “He's just like Diane, look at his jet black hair and dark complexion." Your Aunt Debbie held you and the tears flowed. She always wanted a son. Granny Howard would hold you and with the biggest smile her eyes told everyone her life was complete. Tim's Mother thought she had another Timmie. She has always said you were the prettiest baby she had ever seen in her life. Granny Johnson pratically worshiped you because you were the first great-grandson in a midst of little girls. People worried that I wouldn't be an adequate mother because I had no experience with children. I read all the baby books because I wanted everything to be perfect for you. I made sure you were clean. I would lay my hands on you in the middle of the night to make sure you were still breathing. I would pray to God please let me have him even if it's just for one more night. Every movie I saw changed my life, things looked different after the birth of a child. I would cry over dogs, any missing child's movie, and couldn't get enough of the Wizard of Oz.
Things changed when you were introduced to drugs. They became your true love. No longer did our family want to accept the abusive things you said and were doing. Making fun of the way your own grandmother walked. You need to be careful because you could wind up the same way. To do this to someone who has loved you with every inch of her being. Her heart is broken. Just like a broken wing on a bird she would lose her fight to live. I've had to take over her job. Not so bad right now but it will be very hard on me because I have to continue to live. I have to find a way to teach water aerobics, take care of my Mom as she lives with us and take care of your Dad who's now disabled from a coal mining accident. Chris, you've spend your life in and out of jails, drug rehabs, and juvenile facilities since you were 15. Now at 25 you still ride the roller coaster but there's a difference now. I've decided I need some happiness in my life. I am not riding the roller coaster with you. The only time I'll be riding is at an amusement park. Yes, I'm going to start doing things for me. It's not selfish. I go through this world only once and I'm going to get a second chance. I also have another child, Kim, your sister who always says “I think he's learned his lesson this time, Mom.” Taking up for you when your own peers would say bad things about you.”
You said so much to us this last time you were high. Most were lies but they hurt us just the same. You tore up the whole house looking for drugs. Like a madman I had never seen you like this. We would like to get away but we are in fear of the people you have brought up here.
Well, once again you are in jail. We haven't accepted a call. We will not put money on your books nor will I spend my life writing you letters. I'm 50, I've got a lot of living to do. Your best friend seems to be Stephanie. Maybe if you would've stayed with her things would have been different.
Love you always even until death and even after that,