The true story of the girl once called ' the fairest in the land'.
“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to work we go, la la la la la la la...!” sang seven little men at the tops of their voices as they set off happily to work.
Snow White shot up, “Oh no, not again!” she moaned as she tried desperately to cover her ears with the pillow.
Every day it was the same and Snow White was not happy. In fact, to say that Snow White was not happy was a definite understatement. Actually, to say that Snow White was ‘unbelievably unhappy’ would be getting closer, and ‘totally livid’ would be even nearer to the mark.
She lay back, wondering if she would ever get back to sleep, but she couldn’t settle knowing all the jobs that were waiting for her. She climbed out of the bed and got dressed. She stretched and groaned, she was exhausted and all her muscles ached. She’d hardly had any sleep - you wouldn’t believe how much noise seven little men made during the night; Snoring, grunting and muttering in their sleep and the evenings when they ate baked beans...well they were definitely best forgotten!
She headed out of the bedroom, cracking her head on the door frame as she went - yes, that was another problem. With all the dwarves at only four foot high and Snow White quite a bit taller, she either banged her head on every doorway she went through or ended up with a crick in her neck from bending down all the time.
No, Snow White was certainly not feeling content.
It had all started when she went for a walk into the forest one day. Unfortunately, her companion had turned out to be a huntsman who had been sent by her stepmother to kill her. Luckily for Snow White, she had been able to get him on her side - a sexy pout and showing a bit of leg certainly works wonders for a girl these days – and he had ‘let’ her get away. I say ‘luckily’, but after a few hours of running through the undergrowth having her clothing and hair torn she did not feel very fortunate at all. So when she came upon a little house and found the door unlocked she just didn’t think and rushed inside and fell asleep on a bed. If she had thought, I suppose she would’ve remembered that she should take care when entering strange houses in dark forests, and certainly not to hang around in the bedrooms of strange men! But if she had thought, then I guess I wouldn’t have a story to write and so I, for one, am very glad that she didn’t think.
Anyhow, she was awoken later by the sound of footsteps entering the house. She was very frightened, but once she found out that all the men were less than five foot tall, she was slightly more reassured. And, after listening to her story, the little men said that she could stay with them – as long as she did ‘her bit’ of course. And so here we are, Snow White is living with the dwarves in a lovely little house in a beautiful forest and she still isn’t happy – it really does take a lot to please some people!
When an old woman came to call, Snow White was just so glad to see a fresh face that, once again, she didn’t think and opened the door. Still, what harm could the old woman do, she was only selling lovely, juicy, mouth-watering apples...
It was hours, maybe even days, later when Snow White opened her eyes. She was lying in a glass case in the forest and some young man was leaning all over her and trying to kiss her. Her first impulse was to slap him across the face - young men these days always wanted to ‘mess around’ without waiting for an invitation. But she was stiff and cold from lying in the glass case and anyway she’d got cramp in her arm and a really bad headache so she just gave him the ‘once over’ and from where she was lying he didn’t look too bad. So, what the heck, she did like any self respecting young woman would do when being accosted by a Brad Pitt look-alike, she kissed him back. And that was that, end of story.
It just shows, even the blackest of clouds can have a silver lining – and they all lived...HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!
(Except, of course, for the wicked old stepmother – who it turned out secretly practiced poisoning and other dark arts - who was put into prison and is probably there still!!!)