by The Doctor
The classic is back
|Brian entered the office of Plymouth Industries, swearing silently to himself. He had been out of work for nearly a month, and if he didn't get this job, he didn't know what he would do. He had just spent his last bit of money on a Taco Bell Bean Burrito, the cheapest fast food available, and now here he was awaiting the most important interview of his life.
He was shown into the office of Mr. Schaefer, the head of personnel. Schaefer greeted him warmly and offered a seat in the beautiful leather chair in front of his desk.
"OK Mr. Davis, let's get started shall we?" offered Schaefer. "I see you are applying for the position of accountant here. What are your best qualities in this line of work?"
Brian began, "Well, I have 10 years of experience in accounting, and I ..." Brian stopped, as he suddenly felt with horror an impending gas build up from the burrito in his stomach. He tried not to panic and continued. "I was the senior accountant at the last company I was with." Oh my God, Brian thought, it is getting worse, PLEASE not here, not now...
"And why did you leave your last company...Daltex I believe?"
Brian tried shifting into a less pressing position in the chair but it offered no relief. "Buyout. They were restructuring, asking me to take a major pay cut." OH NO!!! A small squeak escaped from his ass. He looked at Schaefer terrified, but apparently he hadn't noticed.
"I see," said Schaefer. "Now then, what are your long term goals here? You realize that this position does have advancement possibilities?"
"Oh yes sir," Brian replied. "I am hoping that I can really become an integral member of this company." A much larger squeak emanated from his anus now, and Schaefer did look at him somewhat puzzled. Brian began to sweat.
"Well, let me ask you this. If we have a position that is slightly lower than what you are applying for, but you could move into this one, would you be interested in it?"
Brian felt a full fledged fart coming on now...He tried unsuccessfully to cough to cover it up, and it ripped loudly, echoing off the leather chair. Schaefer looked a bit annoyed now. Brian began sweating more.
"It would depend on the position sir. What exactly is it?" Another fart escaped, and Brian, desperate to cover it up said "Boy, these leather chairs sure do make funny noises. Ha ha..."
Schaefer raised an eyebrow at him and said nothing about his comment. "Well we have several other positions in data entry that require very little analysis but would then move into the accounting position after you put in a certain amount of time."
Brian suddenly got a cramp in his right thigh, and when he shifted because of it, a hugely loud burst of flatulence escaped him. He panicked and said, "How much time in the other position?" The smell was beginning to become evident now, and Brian was sweating profusely.
"Mr. Davis, do you need a moment to compose yourself here?"
Oh my God...I'm losing it, Brian thought. He had to cover this or he was out the door before he was even hired. "No sir, why do you ask?"
Schaefer merely looked at him and continued. "All right. I would say because of your experience, a six month trial period should prove satisfactory."
Brian blew a massive fart that was clearly audible in the reception area outside the office. He now knew it was over unless he could do something drastic. He said to Schaefer "Sir, if you have gas perhaps you should step outside for a moment. You don't have to be embarrassed about the flatulence, it doesn't bother me that you have it." Brian figured maybe he could confuse Schaefer into believing it had been Schaefer farting. A desperate act of a desperate man.
Schaefer looked at him weirdly. "That wasn't me Mr. Davis, what are you talking about?"
Another loud expulsion, this time vaguely watery sounding. "That was you sir...or was it your secretary?" Brian asked as he ripped another. By now the room was filled with the smell of Bean Burrito flatulence.
"It was not my secretary Mr. Davis. Now you apparently have a bit of a gas problem here."
"You see?", Schaefer asked. "How can you say this is from my secretary?!"
"Then it must have been you sir," Brian offered as he once again squeaked out an overly disgusting thick as putty smelling spew.
"Mr. Davis, I think this has gone far enough. It was not me. It was not my secretary."
"Perhaps then, it was something completely different. Maybe my shoes are squeaking. I have been meaning to go to a cobbler to have them fixed," Brian said as he once again exploded in massive flatulence that nearly burned a hole in the wall.
"WHAT?!!" screamed Schaefer. He ripped down Brian's pants to expose a large stain on the inside of his underwear. "You see that brown stain on your underwear! That is from YOU! Not ME! Not your SHOES! Not my SECRETARY! But YOU!"
At that moment, the CEO of Plymouth came into Schaefer's office to see how the interview was going and found Schaefer with Davis' pants in his hands. "Um...Mr. Schaefer, I don't think this is proper interview technique," he said. "I think you had better report to my office now."
Brian stood there in tears as Schaefer incredulously walked out of his office. The CEO looked at him and said, "Son, I am sorry about this, he will not be here by this afternoon...Whatever the position is you are here for, consider yourself hired. And please accept my apologies."
Brian looked at him, blinking. "Thank you very much sir."
As the CEO turned to leave, he let out a massive fart of his own. "Damn Taco Bell," he muttered. 'I have got to give up those Bean Burritos or they will be the death of me!!!"