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Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Experience · #1012865
Struggling to reach the completion of your own perfection
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say in this situation. I’m not sure of what to do or how to feel. They tell me I should move on, get everything that’s bottled up inside me and release it. They want me to forget and I’m having trouble with this. How could I forget about my heart, my soul, my life? It matters the world to me. When we met, I felt something cringe inside and I had a feeling that I knew would get me through. Everything happened so fast, a whirlwind of emotions that picked me up and threw me heart first into love. No one understood why I felt this way so soon and to tell you the truth, neither did I. All I knew is that I was happy for the first time in my life and I prayed every night that I would never lose that feeling. You gave me the strength to leave all that sorrow, regret, temptation, and drama behind me. You may have not reciprocated those exact feeling but you were always there for me. You gave me hope for the future and let me know that life could be fulfilling. I opened my heart to you; I opened the door to my heart and let myself trust someone. I began to think that my heart and soul was meant for you. You lifted me up, told me I was beautiful, and never let me down. The only thing that scared me was losing all this, losing the only thing that kept me going. But I pushed those thoughts aside, concentrating on my happiness and everything that made my life worth living. We would talk about the future and where we wanted out lives to go. It made me feel like no matter what I decided, I was headed in the right direction.

Fast forward to the present and none of those feelings exist in me anymore. You were the only thing that kept me in that state of mind. Now that you’re gone I’m confused by everything. At first, I couldn’t understand how this could happen to you, someone so young, so vital to the lives around you. I depended on your love and there’s no one to lean on anymore. Everywhere I go the memories of you and our undying friendship linger. It hurts when we don’t talk, when I can’t have you there to hold, to comfort me in my time of need. The time I need you the most, the time I need your understanding, compassionate touch, you’re gone. I miss you more than anyone will ever know. For a while I didn’t know how I would survive without you and I wished every night before sleep took me over that I could be with you, feel your love, your touch just one last time. And sure enough, you would always be there for me during the hardest times, during the night. I never wanted to leave that slumber, that state of unconsciousness, peace and happiness. But it would always end and at first wake I would expect you to be there. Then I would realize that you were gone and my heart would break all over again. My heart would soon become hard with scar tissue and wouldn’t let anything enter it again. And to this day it’s still empty, waiting for you to come back to me.

Now every time someone new comes along, I see a little of you in him. But he will never stack up to you in my eyes. I have you on a pedestal and him in my arms. But as time goes by, they never can live up to the high expectations that you have set. I’m trying to open myself up to someone new, but he just doesn’t understand me, not like you. I give and I give and never get what I’m searching for. I need a happy ending and I can’t pretend anymore that they will satisfy. They never take the time to know me, to love me. I need affection, love, patience, and compassion, someone who doesn’t give in to temptation and won’t let me either. You were perfect and every now and then I get that urge for a little bit of your perfection. I want to love again but I have forgotten how. Am I that unwanted, that unlovable? I miss you… I love you, never forget that. And when all this pain and suffering is over, I will see you again. Remember me and you will never leave my heart. I love you and I always will. You’re my heart, my soul and I couldn’t love without you inside of me, inside of every fiber of my being. You’re my life so if you leave my soul I couldn’t go on. I will always love you and I will never forget our one perfect summer.
© Copyright 2005 Alexis Hutton (britt_anne at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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