Love can lift you higher than you've ever been but also push you down to rock bottom.
| You’ll never fully understand, because there is no way for me to explain the pain in my soul, my heart. My heart is broken, and it’s constantly healing and re-breaking. All my mistakes have caused me heartbreak but at the time, I pushed the hurt away, stored it away inside. I had to be smooth, acting impervious to the world. Some thought I was a bitch, and that hurt me because I knew who I really was. Even so, I didn’t want anyone else to see, afraid of ridicule and shame. I was okay with being the one that everyone one hated, because I was in control. But I really wanted to hide, to go far away and not say a word. I wanted and still do want someone to love me. Actually, love is not the word to describe it. I want someone to want me, be with me forever, and think I’m beautiful, even when I’m at my worst. I want them to not be able to go through their day without talking to me; I want someone to find comfort in my voice, my arms. But at the same time I want to excite them; I want them to look forward to every new moment with me. I want someone to love me unconditionally, with every part of their soul, with every ounce of their being.
As I lay here in bed thinking about how I want my life to play out, all I can hope for is to be loved as much as anyone has ever been loved. I’m keep replaying all the moments that have transpired to get me here, and it makes me question how I got here to begin with. Why has all this pain and suffering happened to me? At first I thought it was because God hated me, that I must have done something too horrible to imagine and that my life was punishment. But I soon found out that I was extremely wrong. I had ignored all the signs; all those bad chapters that have come and gone in my life did serve a purpose. It gave me the will to survive your love.