Just a silly little something, that will hopefully amuse.
The Truth About Writer’s Block
Every writer on the planet has been troubled at some point by writer’s block, yet scarcely anyone knows the true origin of the problem. There are many theories floating around. Many writers talk about their state of mind or things that are happening in their personal lives, and some attribute the problem to their muse temporarily abandoning them. Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple. The fault does not lie with the muses; the truth is actually, far, far more sinister.
In a dimension parallel to our own, there lives a very unusual kind of animal, the vampuninspire. Unlike all other species, these creatures do not physically resemble each other. You could not look at one of them, and instantly say, that creature is a vampuninspire. Indeed, the writers amongst you have probably looked straight past vampuninspires on a number of occasions, but by a trick of the mind, have been unable to perceive them. Even the vamps have difficulty recognising others of their kind, which thankfully keeps their numbers low. Even a single hungry vampuninspire can cause unimaginable damage.
Vampuninspires are close relatives to vampires. Experts on these strange creatures believe that they descend from a group of over enthusiastic vampires, who shape shifted so often that they became unable to retain a true form anymore. Vampuninspires are the most improbable looking creatures in creation, and because their physical attributes are so varied, they look improbable; even to themselves. These poor relations to vampires have evolved beyond the need to suck blood, subsisting primarily off normal foodstuffs; but because of their ridiculous appearance, they have developed another, deep seated need, one with the potential to destroy writers. Just follow me with this for a second.
One day, you look into the mirror, and every fibre of your being becomes convinced that you could not possibly exist. The image that stares back at you is so improbable, that you cannot bring yourself to believe that even on her maddest day, Mother Nature could have allowed a creature like you to have been created. Compared to you; sloths, trolls and supermarket trolleys, have eminently superior designs. Your image disappears from the mirror, as your befuddled mind rejects the information that your eyes have provided it. Not pleasant, but there’s more.
As you go about your day, it becomes apparent that nobody else can see you anymore. It isn’t that they are ignoring you, or refusing to acknowledge you. Throughout the day, you have to continuously jump out of the way of people who are trying to walk straight through you!
This is what the poor vampuninspires must face, every day.
Now I know that you’ve come across the phrase “believe in yourself.” What most creatures aside from vampuninspires fail to realise, is how important this statement can be. We take our belief in our own existence for granted, and use this phrase to mean, “Have faith in your abilities”. Vampuninspires however, are forced to take this term literally, and spend their entire lives, trying to keep believing in themselves. As everyone knows, if nobody believes in a creature, including the creature itself, it will eventually pop out of existence.
The vampuninspires have adapted their vampirism to their unusual appearance, by finding a way to extract the creative juices of humans. These juices are then used by the vampuninspire to expand their imagination to the point where they can believe in themselves. Most vamps will feed off everyone they encounter, but in order to properly satisfy their needs, they commonly attach themselves to artistic and creative people. Artists, musicians, actors and dancers, all help to supply the needs of these beasts. But alas; writers appear to be their favourite victims.
Vampuninspires require a lot of creative juice to sustain their belief in themselves, and are usually very careful not to extract too much from any one person. The average human brain produces a constant stream of creative juices, but if drained too far, a person can lose the ability to synthesise this vital fluid altogether. For this reason, vampuninspires are usually very careful not to completely drain their victims. Only when they are crazed with hunger, will such accidents happen.
I’m sure you have met one of those people who know everything, are never wrong, and don’t believe in anything they haven’t seen for themselves. People, so ridiculously lacking in imagination, that they wouldn’t be caught dead reading a piece of fiction, and will snigger derisively at anyone who does. These unfortunates were the hapless victims of extremely vicious vampuninspire attacks. There is no cure for their condition, so victims are forced to go on to live sad, lonely lives as car clampers, morgue attendants or civil servants.
There is however hope. I have found one way in which you can eradicate writer’s block (touch wood). Thankfully, vampuninspires are territorial creatures. If a vamp has claimed a writer, no other vamp will approach that writer to feed. All you need to do, is catch the vampuninspire that has claimed you, and meet his or her needs in other ways.
When I first caught my Fred, I was unsure what to do. Watching his pathetic tears slide down his knee and into his ear, was just too much for me to take. After all, vampuninspires cannot help the way they are born, and have to go through a lot of heartache. It must be hard being born into a family that truly, doesn’t believe you exist. They don’t drain creative juices to be nasty, they do it to survive. Had I simply released him, he would have continued to feed off me, and locking him up would have been as good as a death sentence. So I researched vampuninspires myself, and found a way we can both win.
The truth is vamps don’t really need to believe in themselves. So long as someone else believes in them, their existence is secure. If you catch your vamp (this is best attempted when you are at your most creative, just snatch at any strange things you see out of the corner of your eye), and remind him each day that you believe in him, you will regain your creativity. In addition to this you will gain a lovely if unusual friend, who by his mere presence, will protect you from the rest of his kind.