Entry for Darth's Tabloid writing contest #126
|LIKE JLO, YOU TOO CAN LET YOUR BUTT SPEAK FOR ITSELF
A revolutionary invention now allows any user to talk out of their ass even if they are not a politician!
The inventor, Dr. Bumstead, explained, “This revolutionary invention allows any user to talk out of their ass.”
Dr. Bumstead stated his product, the Wisecracker™, was based on the work of Professor W D Wilcox who invented the famous Butt Kap™, a suppository-style device that transforms an unwelcome farting noise into ring tones similar to those of a mobile phone and thus spares the blushes of ladies and the embarrassment of gentlemen.
The Doctor continued, “Although Professor Wilcox’s idea was brilliant, there are drawbacks to his device.“
“Users reported being subjected to verbal and even physical abuse by work colleagues for not answering the ‘phone’. The abuse during meetings was particularly severe. The obvious ploy, Sorry, I better take this call outside unfortunately resulted in the User’s department being delegated all the unpleasant tasks while the User was out of the meeting.”
“Users also reported that if the device was activated while sharing an intimate interlude, the absence of clothing allowed their partner to quickly deduce where the ‘phone’ must be located. This proved to be disconcerting for one of the parties, detumescent for the other, and disappointing for both.”
“My solution is to substitute for the ring tones a recording speaking one of a series of randomly selected sentences. We provide the User with suitable sentences to record, equally acceptable in the boardroom or the bedroom. For example, for a male User, I've often been told my staff is my biggest asset“
Dr. Bumstead explained there was no need to lip-synch the sentence being emitted.
“There is no need to lip-synch the sentence being emitted. We have an ingenuous ‘holding tank’ built into the device allowing for a three-second delay while the device generates a warning ‘prickling’ sensation. This gives the User ample time to place a cupped hand under the nose and lean forward in a confidential manner.”
Although Users’ response to the invention has been most gratifying, the Doctor pointed out he is not resting on his laurels.
He explained, “Although Users response to the invention has been most gratifying, we are not resting on our laurels. Plans are well advanced for the Wisecracker Ultimate™ This will combine our current technology with a speech synthesiser and a Wi-Fi Internet connection. Why so? Consider the following scenario:”
“An attractive young lady joins your department, and, to your surprise, accepts your request for a date. She suggests a visit to the theatre and mentions a particular play she’d like to see. Arriving at the theatre, you realize with horror that the play is not, as you had hoped, ‘King Leer’, a sexy romp, but ‘King Lear’, a play by that awful Shakespeare guy.
“Good grief! Not only will you have to stay awake through hours of gobbledegook, but to charm your date you will be expected to make some intelligent remarks. You are desperate. You are, after all, the guy who asked the English teacher if the ‘Out, damned spot’ phrase in MacBeth referred to a Scotch terrier. And you weren’t joking. Your gaze lingers upon your date’s biblical -Lo and Behold - neckline. You are in despair.”
“Then you remember! You have the Wisecracker Ultimate ™ in your pocket! You excuse yourself and make your way to the theatre toilet. It is the work of a moment to program King Lear Shakespeare into the Wisecracker Ultimate™ and insert in place. At the theatre bar you down a fizzy drink, and then rejoin your companion.“
“Now you can relax knowing that as the fizzy drink makes its presence felt in your nether regions, the Wisecracker Ultimate™ will activate the Wi-Fi connection, search the Internet for bon mots on King Lear, issue the prickle warning, and credit you with lines such as 'That actor is playing the King as though expecting at any moment someone to play the Ace.’“
“By the play's end you will have poured out a veritable cornucopia of learning and insight, and you can now look forward to receiving the best (see page 18)