Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1068078-Pondering-the-News
Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Comedy · #1068078
Humorous take on recent events in the news.
Recent news has been rather ripe lately.
Here are some interesting stories that appeared recently in the news...

President Bush has a plan that would put an Arab country in charge of several ports.

**That's like Martha Stewart in charge of your stock portfolio.
**That's like Tanya Harding in charge of Olympic security
**That's like Paris Hilton as a dating ettiquette authority


BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Gunmen at a makeshift checkpoint dragged at least 47 people from their cars, shot them and dumped their bodies in a village ditch near Baghdad on Thursday, Iraqi police, Interior Ministry and local officials said.

**Now's the perfect time for a Bud Lite

**This democracy thing is really catching on!


WASHINGTON - The discovery of a furry, beaver-like animal that lived at the time of dinosaurs has overturned more than a century of scientific thinking about Jurassic mammals.
The find shows that the ecological role of mammals in the time of dinosaurs was far greater than previously thought,

** The ancestor of the New York City sewer rat... only a little smaller.

** My correspondent closer to the scene reports: "Bill Clinton has known the secrets of the Jurassic Beaver for years. Vince Foster did, too, but it killed him... "


BRINKLEY, Ark. - If the ivory-billed woodpecker is getting a "second chance," as U.S. Interior Secretary Gale Norton put it, then so is the depressed part of Arkansas where the bird was rediscovered after being thought extinct for 60 years.

**Gotta get me the t-shirt.

**They'll have to add a few things... like a casino, a few golf courses, an audobon museum, a full scale zoo, a large amusement park, a large concert stage, a formula one track/stadium, a wet&wild indoor/outdoor swimming hole, and a quail hunting competition. This is so all of the millions of visitors will have something to do between sitings.


CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - NASA will try for three shuttle flights this year if the space agency is able to launch Discovery in May or July, a top NASA official said Tuesday.
But that's a big "if," said space shuttle program manager Wayne Hale.

**NASA is trying to get it up three times in one year.

**Rumor is they're replacing the seats with toilets.


BERLIN (Reuters) - A 67-year-old German man who drew his dead brother's pension for 26 years after taking on his identity was unmasked after police stopped him for driving without a seatbelt, authorities said Thursday.

**His mistake was pulling into the doughnut shop while wearing a mask.


PASADENA, Calif. - The Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter passed the biggest test of its life by safely entering orbit around the Red Planet, joining a constellation of circling spacecraft. But other challenges lie ahead.
**Can you say "Government, make-work jobs"

The Reconnaissance Orbiter joins NASA's Mars Global Surveyor and Mars Odyssey and the European Space Agency's Mars Express, which already fly around the planet. On the surface, the NASA rovers Spirit and Opportunity continue rolling across the planet.
**Space Junk of the 21st century ... the IMAX film

Unlike previous Mars missions, the Reconnaissance Orbiter is the most powerful spacecraft ever to arrive at Mars and is expected to send back more data about the Red Planet than ever before.
**Pic from mars: http://www.gargaro.com/webpages/marvinandmarcia.jpg

**$720 million of my tax dollars for more pictures of red dirt. How many NASA scientists does it take to change a light bulb? Hundreds. One to fly the remote control, one to "spin" the description of their "jobs," and the rest to fill in gvt funding forms.


Vice President Dick Cheney shoots hunting companion

I saw this news item last night at 9pm and nearly fell off my chair laughing. Went out side and lit a cigar and made at least 50 jokes right there with no pencil or paper.

So I got in and wrote these down...

Quail... they grow 'em big in Texas

New, popular product for hunter's: Deadeye Dick Birdshot

Dick Cheney custom hunting lessons available at discount prices

Least valued hunting award for 2006: The Dick Cheney Trophy

Cheney shot his 78 year old hunting companion over the weekend. But, the man is a lawyer, so who cares.

Things not to do when hunting with Dick Cheney:

Have him try your new, hot chilli recipe

Fart when he's about to shoot

Ask him if he shoots with one eye open, or two eyes open.

Dress like a turkey

Play hide and seek in the bushes ahead of the point man.

New movie begins production: Bird Shot Mountain

The big question: Did the quail get away?


WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Vice President Dick Cheney took the blame on Wednesday for accidentally shooting a friend while bird hunting and said it was "one of the worst days of my life," but he dismissed concerns he waited too long to make it public.

**I'd rather go hunting with Dick Cheney
than go driving with Ted Kennedy!

**A beer or two, and a gun,
I'm a happy guy, it's fun.


LONDON (Reuters) - Superstar Madonna has been treated for a hernia but is now "absolutely fine," her spokeswoman said on Thursday.

** Probably resulted from laughing so much about Cheney's hunting trip.


Notes on changing some Olympic sports


** My thought on this is Twirling.
The object of the event is for very large men to skate to the target line while rotating about their own vertical axis. Brooms required to continue to look silly.

Ice Hockey

** My thought on this is Mice Hockey
Played just like ice hockey, but with live rodents instead of pucks.

Ski Jumping

** Ski Humping
The object of the event is to have sexual intercourse in the missionary position while wearing snow skis.... sort of like ski jumping in pairs, but more interesting. No cowboys allowed.


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - This is so much George Clooney's year that a seller of Hollywood memorabilia thinks he can earn up to $100,000 by auctioning off the costume the Oscar-nominated actor wore in one of his biggest flops -- the much maligned "Batman and Robin."

** Holy Bat Nipples!!

MIAMI (Reuters) - A self-proclaimed psychic and fortuneteller pleaded guilty Thursday to bilking elderly clients in south Florida out of more than $2 million over an eight-year period, federal officials said.

** I predict that the elderly will fall for another psychic. Actually, Pat

Robertson does the same thing.

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A half-ton bull named "Little Bird" has flown into Mexico's history books by leaping into a packed crowd of bullfight fans and injuring seven in a panicked frenzy.

**Ole!! Those in the good seats got their money's worth.

LOS ANGELES - Scientists say they have confirmed that a so-called 10th planet discovered last year is bigger than Pluto, but that likely won't quell the debate over what makes a planet.

**The planet is wider than Pluto, but not as wide as Hillary's thighs! The astrologers are going wild! Someone has suggested calling the new planet "Dubya" instead of "Xena."

JUNEAU, Alaska - Something is sickening pigeons in Juneau, making the birds lethargic and susceptible to attacks by ravens.

**I see this on the town green all the time. These are "easy pigeons." First the continuing eruptions of the volcano, now stupider than stupid pigeons in Alaska. Watch out, or the cruise ships will cancel their tours, causing the entire population of the state will starve.

NEAH BAY, Wash. - In Washington, the state's largest colony of glaucous-winged gulls suffered when the normal fledge count plummeted from 8,000 chicks to 88 last year.

**Seagulls are basically rats with wings. We have plenty around here... just check out the local McDonalds' parking lots.Throw down some french fries and you'll build up the gull population in minutes... just like droping a twenty outside the city hall doors and watching the crowd of politicians swarming all over it.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Bush administration defended a domestic spying program on Sunday, saying it was tightly targeted only at people suspected of having ties to al Qaeda.

**Ok. The check is in the mail. There will be no more income taxes for anybody. We'll respect you in the morning. And, we're only spying on al Qaeda. President Bush can't even look Oprah in the eye with this one.

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - A spacesuit that was tossed out of the international space station after being stuffed with old clothes and a radio transmitter was again sending weak signals as it circled the globe, ham radio operators reported Sunday.

**Spacesuit thrown into space... EBay participants go wild!

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - What if ET isn't cute? What if extraterrestrial life doesn't even touch the surface of a faraway planet, but instead floats above its hostile surface like a hot-air balloon?

**Gaseous, balloon type beings... a planet filled with Michael Moore wannabes.

Binge eating worse than cheating for Italians
ROME (Reuters) - Most Italians feel more guilty about over-eating than they do about cheating on their partners, a survey has found, suggesting that people in Casanova's native land care more about staying slim than staying faithful.

Let's see. Sex, or Subway grinder ... tough call.

Somebody saw Bin Laden laughing about his latest message to George Bush. But it turned out it was only gas.

This just in...
Since "brokeback Mountain" has been at theaters nationwide, sheep in Montana aren't as scared as they used to be.

The Ford Motor Company is having some troubles. They're laying off 10000 workers. Cheney wants to do some wire tapping and torture to get to the bottom of it all.

I hope this post finds everybody looking forward to a great back half of the winter season.

Thanks for reading.


© Copyright 2006 JoeMiller (joemiller at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates have been granted non-exclusive rights to display this work.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1068078-Pondering-the-News