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Rated: E · Column · Family · #1084422
You obviously haven't met my mother...
Okay, its SO officially official that most moms get more paranoid with age... Take mine for example... Last night, we were like, at a furniture-electrical appliance store and suddenly she sees it...the washing machine of her dreams!

So, okay, its fine by me that she wants to ogle at the washing machine she desires with all her heart and soul....until, that is, she suddenly does this..... Zip! She pulls out the largest measuring tape I have EVER seen, like she's going to save the world with it ...the same way Spiderman shoots out his sticky web thingys that help him swing around from building to building..


Now, at this point, I'm completely dumbfounded. Where the HELL did she get THAT from?? (my mom has a magic bag- ala Mary Poppins) I stare at her, bug-eyed, in utter shock and slightly traumatised for a moment... And she suddenly looks at me and asks "How big d'you think this one is??"

Then she pushes through the people around it and proceeds to measure the dimensions... So, there I am, ABSOLUTELY MORTIFIED, I mean, this is a VERY public place you know (public as in TESCO HYPERMART public..), watching as my Mom happily gets on her knees and measures the machine, oblivious to the other curious customers at the store who are by now, staring at her in complete amazement (drama like this rarely happens where I come from....Sheesh, people, go home and watch some TV!).

Then suddenly, and I mean SUDDENLY, she springs to her feet, swings to my direction and says "Its PERFECT!" in one of the most happy tones I've ever heard her use...(over a washing machine???!)

Then EVERYBODY turns and looks at me with this look on their faces that kinda go like 'OhMaiGawd! They're related!' So, what do I do?? I walk away... slowly, trying with all my might to be discreet in my flight from ULTIMATE Shame. (Note: If ever you find yourself in a similar situation...one word - FLEE)

Right there I wished that something I ate for lunch would choose that exact moment to suddenly cause a fatal chemical reaction on the spot and cause me to keel over and die... Just to distract attention away from the ultimate mortification, and hopefully, traumatise everyone so much they'll forget about my mom and the washing machine while they're rushing me some life-saving medical assistance...

After we leave the store my sister and I casually tried to hint to my Mom that whipping out measuring tapes to measure things all the time like its going to save the world isn't the most discreet thing in the world. So, what does she say? She tells us we're being stupid and says irritably, "You really should be more open minded!" Excuse me? Open-Minded?!! This is the same Mom who won't let my sister buy deodorant because she thinks it'll turn her brain radioactive (she now also tells my sister that deodorants set your hair on fire too!)...


So, allowing myself to be humiliated by her almighty measuring tape is being more open minded than say, my sister buying deodorant although, heaven forbid, she turns radioactive anyway from the B.O....
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