by R Daniels
I want to experiment with a short story in the form of a blog.
|Its very autobiographical, so I thought it would be a perfect intro to the site. Feedback is definitely welcome. Thanks!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Well, this is the first time in along time that I don't know what's next. I'm not going on to another school. The possibilities are endless and that is so unnerving. I could end up w/ my ideal life or homeless. And more than that, instead of focusing on what needs to be done, I just end up pouring my energy into anything but.
Monday, June 20, 2005
I finally found the motivation to get of my butt and start seriously looking for a job. I had a major argument with my mom on sunday. And I was stuck in the house with no money or car . I hate being dependent on other people, especially my parents. So today, I finished revising my resume, made an appointment with a driving school (wish me luck, the guy sounded pretty shady), and worked out for an hour to get out some repressed aggression . If I keep this up I may be self sufficient by the time I'm 30.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Yeah! I made it through my first driving lesson of '05, with no fatalities or property damage . I wasn't as nervous as last time but I could still hear my heart beating (I had to put on headphones and try to relax) before he picked me up. The guy started out slow, reviewed the parallel park, 3-point turn and left turn into 4way traffic. I still have to work on my turns but I was so proud I kept up with his instructions. He sort of yell out commands out of nowhere but I guess that is good practice for the road test. I really want to get my license this time. Its not just a luxury its a necessity, if I ever want my parents to treat me like an adult.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
I hate the fact that there is nothing on TV this summer. I'm going crazy having to deal with my own life. I want to worry about who got shot or impreganted in TVland. The more I think about my life the more I realize how I've screwed it up. I wish I was more up beat but I've wasted all my pep on myself, trying to get through the last few weeks. You would think that having no plans just endless possiblities would make one happy. But not this one, all I can think of is all the different ways I can fall flat on my face. I'm more scared than sad really.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
So, today was day two of driving and still no injuries! I really have to work on my turns though. Went out this weekend and I had a great time just hanging out. I didn't do much of that at school, but you can't turn back time. Haven't been writing much, cause I haven't been doing much. And when I have to just write about what is on my mind, its just sad so I don't. I caught the BET awards and got chills when The Fugees!!! came out, oh the memories those songs brought back. (Man I hate that whisper song! ) Any whoo back to my lack of college friends. I am a very suspicious person and I have to say I wasn't really that open with the people I met on campus. It goes back to my low self esteem, I feel like nothing I say is important or worth saying so I don't say much. But I'm grateful for my internship because it forced me to talk about myself. The friends I made there know a lot about me but I still held back. I have trust issues, I guess it is because growing up I felt like I had to hid a lot of who I was, cause my family loves making fun of anything I show interest in, so I just held it all inside. I always envied those people in school who had like 150 people on their facebook, but I don't have the skills they do, so I can't really blame myself . (And if you really think about it most people aren't trust worthy and they always leave.) I have to admit I learned a lot about my problems in my fours years of studying psychology...but not how to solve any of them I guess that's what grad school is for. Well that's just what was on my mind. Enjoy !
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Just watching the Lance Krall Show, it's pretty funny. (Not as good as Chapelle but what u gonna do ) I can't wait till tommorow my show is coming back on! So I can focus on how the characters are screwing up their lives (and not on what i've done to mine). Ahh but tommorow my mom is going away so its gonna be a bittersweet day.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Thought I saw a rat last night, so I started crying like a baby (cause I'm gangsta). I don't know if it even exists but I won't be able to sleep until it's dead. I still can't figure out why it would be in my room. I never eat in there and I put out the garbage ever night. I really hope it is all in my head cause just the thought of it makes me wanna cry. Its times like these I realize what a girly girl I am.
Friday, July 08, 2005
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. Anxiety is love's greatest killer. "(from languageisavirus.com) I don't know who wrote it but it rings so true to me. It would make a really good commencement speech or wedding toast. So I'm still freaking out about the phantom rat. I talked to my mom today and she said its probably all in my head. I don't know what is more disturbing: freaking out about a little rat or freaking out about a rat thats all in my mind. Aww well.
Saturday, July 09, 2005
All new Monk last night. I didn't even know it was back on. I've been sleeping in the living room for the past few days (with the light on). I was so excited about having the house to myself, as kind of a trial run for living on my own. And I failed the first test but I'm still in the game. I'm cleaning and doing the best I can despite being a wimp.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Well I made it back into my room and slept thru the nite. I walked a mile to the library to get my library card yesterday and I was just knocked out by the time I got back. I checked outa book which I have heard good things about (and after a 2 mile hike in the sun it better be good).
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Aw rest in peace Peter Jennings. One of the few things that sticks out in my memory is the sound of his voice. Through out everything that has happened in the past few years it was nice having something to depend on. And now thats gone (Don't smoke kids!). And his death just reminds me of all the talent lost over the years (Aaliyah, Mitch Hedberg, Glenn Quinn...).On a lighter note I just finished reading "A Confederacy of Dunces" which was one of the most weirdly enjoyable books I've read in a while. Reading about such an unfortunate loser makes me feel so much better about my situation. I mean I would be working harder to find a job and get into grad school except being a bum is just so fun and easy.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Why must I always learn the hard way? I can't be around toxic people. My brother is visiting this week, and I'm glad I have someone to crack me up when other people are pissing me off.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
So drivings been going good but I still hate it and doubt that I will past. But what's different about this time is I'm not going to give up. They can fail me 6 more times if they want to but I can't walk away from this. I guess I feel like if I can pull this off its one step closer to being an adult. Well, I think I'm one step closer to employment. I went to the career center at the library and got my resume looked over; tips about interviewing and some leads. Lets cross our fingers. The lady had one piece of advice she stressed the whole time: (and i'm quoting from a post-it note she gave me) speak distinctly + LOUDLY. Yeeeaah like I haven't been getting that advice since 2nd grade. I am shy and I speak softly around new people, that I know. What noone has ever been able to tell me is how to totally rewrite my nature and get rid of those traits. The grad student I worked with junior year sat me down once to talk about what I wanted for my future. After telling her my plans I remember her telling me that all I could focus on was what I could not do, and that I had to be more positive. Again give me the instructions to rewrite myself and thats the second job on the list.In my opinion, once I'm on my own completely and I find that I can support myself, I will get that confidence I'll need to be LOUD. But what do I know .Kidding.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Man I wish I weren't related to some of the people I am related to. One thing I've learned in four years of psych is that some people can be poison for one's mental health. The books say the best solution is to stop interacting with those people. But when it's family, what are u supposed to do? Counseling? But some people don't want to change. They're like the villians in stories where they try to take over the world because they think they know best. Sometimes no one wants your advice (more like commands ). And I wish I could hate this person and never see them again but nope they're family and if there's one thing you can count on it's family.People need to be careful with their words. Words can be hurtful and even abusive. I'm not exaggerating either. Humans are highly influential animals. If you hear something over and over again you start to believe it. All I have to say is never say something to someone you don't want to hear yourself.
Monday, September 12, 2005
So I officially started working on Friday. Its was a temp. situation but it just reaffirmed to me that I hate working. Especially work were I have to stand for hours begging people to sign up for something. Granted it was something I would even sign up for but people can be rude. Its like just smile say no thank you and move on. Annoying people are people too!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The past couple of days have been great. I've been in a good place despite the pressure that going to come into my life next week. Nothing has worked out how I expected it to but I'm not disappointed. I try to stop imagining what is coming next because I am always way too optimistic.On the work front, people are so rude. If I don't ask for your advice I don't want it. Keep on moving.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Yes it's official I have a job. I hope I get fired soon. Don't get me wrong, all summer long all I wanted to do was get a job. But the job I had in mind didn't involve so much work. Now my next project is to get into grad school and get my license. I wish those still searching good luck and hopefully you'll get a job you love.As for my birthday, it was spent working but I had fun at my friend's birthday party last week so I just pretended it was for me too. Happy Birthday, D!!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Woot Woot! I got my license on Monday.
Monday, November 14, 2005
What I know about guys can fill a grain of rice. I'm never sure if I'm seeing what is there or what I want to see. So when he says "you smile a lot", does it mean A) he knows that he's the reason, B) he notices me or C) I'm freaka freaka freakin' him out. (It was so weird, I was at the bus stop smiling about something he had said and the next day he says "yeah I saw you waiting with a big smile on your face, your always smiling." Yeah I know I'm a loser.) When he says thing like that I try not to get up and start dancing. Hopefully I'll be over it soon cause its exhausting. But it makes me feel happy in a place that usually depresses me.I try to get over it by listing all my crushes of the past. As I go down the list I realize my dreadful taste and I like him less because he is on the list. I mean I don't want to be alone forever but I don't want to be with the jerks I'm attracted to. Ow and definitely not the creeps that are attracted to me.Anywhoo the job is going ok, been working hard but it seems like I'm getting nothing done. And its weird when they talk about what they have planned for next year when its my wish to be out of there before I see it. I mean I like a lot of the people there, they make it fun to work but by next year they won't be there anymore. Well whatever happens, things have been going well so I can't complain. I just can't wait to get into grad school, get a car, a great job and hopefully a life.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Wow its been a while since I've been on this site. They have been working me like Kunta Kinte in that place, so I've been too tired to type. Lucky by next year I'll be back on the unemployment line . So here is a highlight of some things I should have written about:~So my crush and I have become good friends over the past few months. In spite of the fact I went psycho chick on him a few weeks ago. I was feeling run down by all the work (and by work I mean carrying boxes and climbing ladders. good thing I took that box lifting class in college .). I also got some unpleasant information on my one day off, that has been haunting me ever since. And instead of dealing with the stress in the moment, I push it down and pile it on top off other stress. So my crush does something mildly jerky and I decide he is the devil on earth. I proceed to avoid him, which would have worked brilliantly except he is a nice guy and wanted to know what was wrong. So of course I have to start crying (at work! at work!!) and proceed to tell him about his jerky actions and follow up with one of the stupidest, most over the top things I have ever said ever. And I quote, " If I could hate people I would hate you!!!". (I'm surprised I haven't been nominated for best actress in a drama for that gem.) Well after I pulled myself together and apologized, we picked up right where we left off and even joke about it now. That's why he is so crushable: he is such a nice guy(he bought his girlfriend a beautiful diamond bracelet, lucky ), cause had the shoe been on the other foot I probably would have never spoken to him again and given him a nickname like "psycho boy".~I had a great christmas break (as i hope u did). It was hilarious and filled with great family moments, no tree, lights or presents for me (except from my bf) but it was just what i needed. I went back to work singing and dancing .~Made the fatal error of checking up on old class mates. All it does is make me regret all the decision I have ever made. And it makes me wish i had their lives but then I remember that the grass isn't always greener. I mean I probably wouldn't be able to handle all the friends, parties and good times, anyway .~So my plan for next year is to become a vegetarian. My theory is that all the abuse and trauma the animal suffers is in the meat that we eat, just adding to all the unhappiness and stress we feel. But it is also gonna cut out a whole food group which should help me lose weight . Secretly I have always wanted to be one of those people that are so skinny people assume they are sick. But no i just want to be healthy cause if i'm being honest my weight has held be back as much as shyness, lack of licence or job, has. ~ Oh yeah just before my much needed winter break from work, I broke down again . I had just said goodbye to my crush when I had to take care of something else. So as i was walking toward the exit I see my crush again and the tears well up. (At work!!) He says in his wonderful way that its ok and that he'll see me later, and we do one of those low five/hand holds as we pass each other, and he yells "have a merry christmas". And I honestly don't believe I was crying about him, it had been building up all week. I was dealing with some really rude people who were using the rush of the holiday to be absolute a-holes to me. But i couldn't act out so I pushed it down until I couldn't take it anymore and just explode with the one person at work that I trust to let my guard down with. But whatever. ~As I type this I realize that my crush will never be as wonderful as I think he is. I mean yes he is a nice guy but not perfect. He curses at people and is very oblivious to others at times. I think he treats me differently, because in a way I am above him at work. There is a list I made awhile back of my perfect guy and he fits most of the criteria. But I've stopped crushing on him since I've come back from break, I mean this is not going any further than an acquaintance. I guess i just needed him to get through work and know that its coming to an end I won't need him as a crutch anymore.Well that's pretty much what's popped into my mind tonite. I expect to be doing this more often as the new job search is just as slow as the last one, but at least now I know what I want in a job.-Psycho Chick
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Happy New Year! I have to say that 2005 wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. I graduated, became a citizen, and by some miracle got my license and a job. 2006 is gonna be an interesting year to say the least. I have so much to do in this new year but I'm not nervous. I don't know what happened to me somewhere between christmas and now, there has been a change. I became a little less neurotic. I still have my moments but for the most part I'm pretty content with my life.My plans for new years were to get tipsy and dance. My old theory was that my plans never worked out. But as of 1/1/2006, I'm 1 for 1 on the plan department. I got a nice buzz and danced a while. If I'm being honest I'm not guilty about new years cause I got exactly what I wanted. It may not have been what others expected of me or what I even expected of myself. But sometimes you just want to let your hair down and be a stupid kid. Stop thinking about what others expect and just live for yourself.I did what I wanted and damned the consequences and it was great. I really need to carry this with me for the rest of the year. You have to live and experience and make mistakes. Because life isn't like it is on TV: some people don't have high school sweethearts and don't fall in love sometimes they just fall in lust. And as long as you don't get swept up in it, its ok.Oh my gosh my eyes are so open for the first time. I've been following the rules for so long I haven't lived. I don't want to look back on 2006 the way I look back on all the other years of my life. I don't want any 'what ifs', I want to know what happens. I may have heart aches and regrets but I had them in the past so I might as well act now.My plan for 2006:-Change my image. Let the outside match the inside. Instead of matching my emotions (feel like crap dress like crap). Dress like my personality and express myself thru my style.-Do what I feel. Stop questioning every decision and impulse and just live.-Get a job I love and get into grad school so I can get paid handsomely for said job.-Put myself first. Cause my happiness is just as important as anyone else's.-Stop being so lazy. Stop procrastinating, cause its something I don't want to do. Just do it and get on with my life.-Act my age.-And be myself, whoever that turns out to be. Only time will tell if 2006 will live up to its potential. But I have hope it will. And I hope everyone else has a great 2006.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
O........Kay that didn't work. But it was a good thought
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Yip. So I've just been vegging out. And insulating myself from life and the real world. But I mean I guess I'm just gathering strength for my next go at it. I just feel a little hollow, like I left some of myself at my job. Its why I've been so reluctant to leave the house or to go back. Its like my whole existence for a while was that place. And now that thats gone I'm not sure I want to do it again. Don't get me wrong I'm glad I left when I did, and I would do it again. I guess I just miss having a purpose, knowing exactly what I had to do and getting rewarded for doing it. On a completely different note:Am I the only one who wants to whip the snot out of Harry Potter. I'm reading the new book cause my mom bought it for me and I hate to waste. I like him in the movies enough but in the book I find my self saying," he's lucky he's not my child cause I'da smacked the teeth out his mouth for talking to grown folks like that." But that could just be me.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Wow its been an interesting month. I just a few things that have been on my mind that I need to just type(?) about.~ I got a job as a temp in the exact field that I have been hoping for since May (and what I was planning to study in grad school). And I don't know if its worth it . I knew it was going to be a lot of paperwork under florescent lights. But for some reason that sounded good to me. I don't know if it is laziness or genuine disinterest, but I don't think I want to get my masters in this subject anymore.~An other bubble popped : Traveling to Manhattan to work isn't as glamorous as my daydreams. I imagined myself braving the rush hour crowds to arrive at my classy art deco office. Which is exactly what I do, but in my dream: I'm a strong independent young black woman with her head held high. In reality, I find myself cracking up in the subway feeling like I must have fooled them during the interview (even though sweat was literally dripping down my face) cause I'm just a kid and all this is a little too grown up and real for me. I don't read novels or caught up on my NYU homework, like everyone else in the subway. And I sure as heck feel like a clueless loser in the office (though sometimes my competence even surprises me ), but for the most part I just feel like I'm playing dress up and waiting for playtime to be over.~ And on a different note: God is good . Even when your being a brat and u probably don't deserve it, he does little things that just help you keep going. I was on the train today pouting cause this guy took the seat I wanted. I was cursing the seat stealer silently (me= ) when the conductor comes to stamp the tickets. This wakes up the guy I'm sitting next to, and after the conductor leaves, he asks if I take this train often. I said yeah and he hands me a ticket for ten free off peak hours rides ( and only $2.50!!! during peak hours verses the 6.50 or even 9.50 that I usually pay). The ones the MTA were giving out during the holidays. And of course my first thought is what's the scam? Do I have to give you 5 dollars to get 10 free rides just to find out it's expired or (even worse) do I have to make conversation with you cause you did a nice thing for me. But he just handed it to me said his "your welcome"s and went back to sleep. And miracle of miracles it actually turned out to be legit. You don't know how that made my year. (And to think if that guy hadn't taken the seat I wanted I wouldn't have sat next to that good Samaritan) Thank you sir wherever you are(and even you seat stealer). And thank you God for helping me and protecting my tiny savings.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Well I'm finally out of that working mess. And back to questioning my future. I had big expectations for myself this past week which I didn't live up to in any way. We'll see what happens next week.