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by Marcus
Rated: 13+ · Editorial · Satire · #1096632
A tongue in cheek look at HOAs.
We all have heard stories about Al Qaeda's secret sleeper cells across the United States just waiting for the signal from the avuncular appearing, but utterly nefarious bin Laden to unleash their devilish mischief.

Mind you this is just a theory, but I think I know the identity of the sleeper cells. They have set themselves up throughout the the country and as the CIA implied, are independent and need no contact with other cells. Indeed these cells probably do not know of the other ultra secret cells.

They are located in strategic positions of authority in middle class to upper class America, poised, when instructed, to exact tremendous damage to America.

These are not necessarily the foot soldiers of militant Islam, but those who seek power over others for the sake of power and the furtherance of Al Qaeda's evil agenda. They are like a creeping plague, stealing the belongings of the unsuspecting or feeble minded. They have worked their way into positions of fidelity and trust, where they can perpetrate maximum damage upon the freedom and financial viability of proud citizens, thus causing mental anguish of gargantuan proportions.

These are heartless people who accept no excuse, make no exceptions, excise the unworthy and non-believers. They expect nothing but perfection from their members and exact swift retribution from the unco-operative. They believe in freedom only to the point where it allows them to further their aims; freedom to torture, to be petulant, to be devious and to be nasty. They have no empathy for others for they are perfect.

Who are these criminals you ask? You may know them. They may be your neighbors, your co-workers, your doctor, your lawyer, your so called friends. They are the fifth column, the ones who will create chaos, while pretending to create order. They perpetrate evil while pretending to do good.

They are known as President, Vice-President, Secretary and Treasurer and Board Member. They are the board members of your and everybody's Homeowner's Association, that's who.

Ok, I was funning with you. It's just that I was reading this list of "Horror Stories" perpetrated by Homeowners Associations around the country and I thought it would be fun to share them with you.

I know first hand that HOA's can be contrary and dogmatic. Hell here in the Valley of the Sun we had an irate elderly gentleman go into a HOA meeting and start shooting. I don't remember exactly what happened but at least one was killed, others wounded. I'll bet more than a few 'Depends' were soiled too. Moral, there can be a downside to being nasty. But let's get to my list

1] A man in Rancho Sante Fe Ca. lost his home because he planted too many roses on his four acre site. The board fined him and watched monthly as the fine mounted.

When they slapped a lien on his home, he went to court and lost because he'd transgressed the board's architectural rules. He was stuck with the board's $70,000 legal fees and lost his home to the bank. (I guess everything wasn't as rosey as he thought) {boo!}

2] A woman from Pamona, Ca., involved in a divorce fell behind with her monthly dues. The board said she owed $1,000; she said it was less than $800 and they went to court when the board threatened foreclosure.

The woman was right--the volunteer board's amateur accountants goofed, but the judge ruled she should back payments during the dispute, anyway, and the woman was handed a $22,000 legal bill. (shoulda slept with the judge) {bad!}

3] A Maryland man asked for a six foot fence as protection from a neighbor who'd attacked him with a log. The board denied the request, so the homeowner sued -- and lost. It cost him $23,000 in legal fees and interest.

Chastened, he built a shorter fence, but in places it was several inches taller than the four feet allowed. Board members came with a tape measure, fined him, slapped a lien on the home a seized the man's paycheck. (shoulda asked for a warrant)

4] A Tampa, Fla. woman thought her attorney had paid all her delinquent HOA fees of more than $4,000, but she was wrong by $497. It cost her the house.

The busy physical therapist ignored legal papers mailed to her, the association foreclosed and held a courthouse auction. A property company snapped up the house for $4,651, the price of the HOA's legal fees, then sold it for $88,000. (I wonder how much her attorney made) {Should slept with the attorney}

5] A family that cares for five foster children in Port Richey Fla. was threatened with eviction from their residential development. the association considered having foster kids a business because the state paid $2,028 a month to care for the children.

The 56-cents-an-hour 'business' owners are still fighting the case. (no good deed goes unpunished)

And from my own backyard in Gilbert, Az. comes this story of woe.

6] And Gilbert Mayor Steve Berman is determined not to let it happen.

"It’s absolutely pathetic that someone is committed that this woman should die a homeless person over homeowners association fees," Berman said. "They really will look like the most heartless neighborhood in the country."

Evelyn Lyles, 44, fell behind in her bills last summer, including $40 monthly dues to the Western Skies Estates HOA, as she tried to work full time while undergoing radiation treatment and chemotherapy for recurring breast cancer.

But what began as a lawyer’s letter for $393 last November ballooned with late and legal fees into a $2,216 bill and a foreclosure action last month.

"It’s hard for me to believe that they took it this far," Lyles said. "I didn’t even know they had that type of power."

Fear not dear reader, there is a movement about to temper the power of this foul omnipotent institution and buyers who used to insist on this so called protection of property values of HOAS are having second thoughts.

By now you've probably figured out that my opening remarks about Al Qaeda sleeper cell was just a ruse. I hope you're not disappointed, but look at the bright side, at least one of our great institutions is not a tool of the malevolent maniac, Osama. It's obviously a tool of the Devil himself! Hmmmmm, maybe Osama is involved!
© Copyright 2006 Marcus (semismart at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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