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Rated: E · Letter/Memo · Emotional · #1096685
Realized truth in what friend meant to me. Never intended to give him. Pls read & review.
You’d think that it wouldn’t matter what the people you’re closest to thought of you because it’s already known that they accept you. But really, what matters most is what these people closest to you think. Their opinions matter because they care about you most. If they point out a flaw, you become upset and worried but only because it feels as though you’ve disappointed them. That, and it also matters so much because just the thought of that person’s opinion of you changing is devastating. They’re the ones who would want to help you so you respect what they think or feel.

***

The last thing I would ever want to do is to push you away. The thought of losing your affection and care is a morbid one and I hope that I would never be without. Everything I do that generates a negative result on or for you is regretful. Every time, I hope that the damage I’ve done doesn’t reflect into a serious effect. I don’t think it’s possible to ever undo any damage or unplant any seeds, but please don’t ever judge me based on the flaws that you discover in me.

Every flaw that you point out in me puts me to shame. I know I’m not perfect, but somehow at the very least, in your eyes, I want to be. Every time you tell me to do something for my own good I know it’s because you only want the best for me. It’s as if I want to improve myself to keep your love from slipping away from me. It’s not that I do things to please everyone else but me; what it is is that I see a reason to change myself for the better. After all, it’s all about “the self” before you can make a difference to or in others. I know that I’ve wanted to make a difference for you.
If you were anybody else I just might take offense to what was said—who are you to tell me what to do? But it’s because it’s You. I don’t ever want to let you down. You motivate me. How long has it taken me to realize that? That You are my motivation. Who knows? But even though I’ve dwelled in my own weaknesses for far too long and have not yet fulfilled your requests, I now realize you give me every reason to do so.

***

I’m beginning to understand what it means when somebody names a person as their source of motivation. To do or achieve something because you give me reason. You give me the sense of purpose to improve myself. An explanation for ambition: a reason. As you once said to me (though in a slightly different context):
“You are the reason.”

Do I ever spark your soul? Have I ever lit your candle?


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