by drama queen
I wrote this when I was in a bad mood
|4th April 2006
Dear Chi Chi,
All is quiet on the western front. Thank god. All week I have been bombarded by peers. Why? I have never given them a reason to hate me. All is quiet on the western front, but for how long? My parents are starting to hassle me, the teachers are droning on and on and on. And well it’s ww3. Give me a break I can only cope with so much. Tears cascade down my cheeks, I hurriedly wipe them away. I am strong like a lion. I can fight this, I know I can.
Alarm bells are ringing in my head. Ringing defiantly. No. I can’t take it anymore I put my head under the duvet. Just ten more minutes… FLORA get your lazy arse up right this minute. I groaned. I guess my mother has other ideas for me
“What?” I replied groggily
“It’s time for school”
My mother was having none of it.
At 8:00 you will present yourself at the door, with satchel in hand is that understood?
I mockingly gave her the heil Hitler salute. She flipped her lid
“Young lady my father didn’t join the army to be mocked by young hooligans like you. Hitler was a very evil man and Nazi-Lovers aren’t welcome in the house. Is that understood?
“Yes mum” sniggering I went to my room
All is quiet on the western front. Thank god. All week I have been bombarded by peers. Why? I have never given them a reason to hate me. All is quiet on the western front, but for how long? My parents are starting to hassle me, the teachers are droning on and on and on. And well it’s ww3. Give me a break I can only cope with so much. Tears cascade down my cheeks, I hurriedly wipe them away. I am strong like a lion. I can fight this, I know I can
At 8:00 precisely I was at the door for my mother to take me to school. At school I gazed longingly out the window wondering……. Wondering about the state of my emotions and how to keep them in check
You may ask how I got into this state. I don’t really know. But how many of you can truly say that you know what your like physically and emotionally at a particular time? Only a handful of people say they always know what they are doing and feeling
Humans are very intellectual creatures but they’re very complex?
They thrive in packs by being perceptive of what the others are feeling, and respond accordingly. However if the ringleaders are upset the pack will gang up on individual through fear. In nature most animals have discovered there is safety in numbers but what happens to the expelled member?
When I got in at 15;30 I was breathing extremely quickly . dumping the satchel I legged it to my sanctuary. and pulled chichi out of her hiding place. Calm down, you have done nothing wrong. Nothing wrong. It is a mistake. A stupid mistake. Its really not worth getting upset about. I will get over it…….I will get over it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Mother is knocking, wondering what I want for tea probably. I’ve got to hide ChiChi. ChiChi is a loyal companion in this unforgiving world. If someone reads it ……well they will think that………… I don’t know, but I can’t chance it
The expelled member must now fend for itself. It knows it may probably die before it gets accepted back into the group. Love and compassion from another isolated member will double its chances to develop into an individual again.
5th April 2006
ChiChi . I can’t go anymore. It is getting too much. Too much. I can’t fight this god forsaken hell, without the help of a companion. Could I speak to any of the group? The truth is I am daunted at the prospect. They could become a social outcast, should the leader desire it, for something as shallow as speaking to me. Who else is there? What about Ms Hope?
Ah the flamboyant 6 foot yr11 mentor. A nervous smile, sussing out whether you are friend or foe. Then she listens as you rant and rave about the world and how much you hate so and so. Frowning deep in concentration she asks questions like
What has so and so done to you? If you were so and so, how would you feel?
Many times I have told Ms Hope I want this to stop. I want this to stop, more than anything. I want to be accepted for just being me. I don’t want to conform to another’s belief
All is quiet on the western front. Thank god. All week I have been bombarded by peers. Why? I have never given them a reason to hate me. All is quiet on the western front, but for how long? My parents are starting to hassle me, the teachers are droning on and on and on. And well it’s ww3. Give me a break I can only cope with so much. Tears cascade down my cheeks hardening to bitter ice. I keep asking myself the same question. Who am I? Who am I ?
The truth is I don’t know anymore. I always thought I was compassionate and worth being friends with. I know I have a massive flaw that has been exploited every time I enter the room.
These people aren’t worth wasting tears over I know that. But how can I ever progress to be successful? I need them. I know this is twisted but if they can’t accept me there is no hope. No hope that I will become successful.
6th April 2006
All is quiet on the western front. Thank god. All week I have been bombarded by peers. Why? I have never given them a reason to hate me. All is quiet on the western front, but for how long? My parents are starting to hassle me, the teachers are droning on and on and on. And well it’s ww3.
However I have found help from a surprising source. My drama teacher Ms Cambell. Ms cambell, 26, casually dressed in black trousers and a pink top. She is quite short with blond hair and an eccentric, bubbly character. She is extremely perceptive and willing to relieve people of their anxieties. A heart to heart with her leaves the most upset people in such a tranquil state as she treats us like grown ups. Most adults talk down to us as if we were 5 years old not intelligent 15- 16 yr olds.
Any way you are probably wondering why she is helping me. Well that is a long story. It started in yr 9 when Sash started bullying me. Yes it was just name calling but it hurt. It hurt like hell.
Alarms and planes are flying overheard. Bombs are exploding all around me. I am frozen solid. My comrade urges me to find shelter. I am at the front line. There is no-where to hide. Nowhere. The gunfire getting louder with each passing moment. What should I do? Should I go and be accused of being a coward. Should I stay and fight? The next problem is how?
Sash is pissing me off big style and I had to shut her up somehow. But how could you shut up a gobby cow like sash? In the end I did the one thing I promised my mother I wouldn’t do. I hit Sash. Everyone was laughing except the teacher, who had turned a deathly shade. I had to get out of there fast!
I stumbled out the class and bumped into Ms Cambell
“What is Wrong?”
I am absolutely fed up of this school.
“but why? You are the most studious of our students. Predicated 11 a* for your exams this summer”
“No-one likes me!”
“I’m sure that’s not true”
“I did a really bad thing,. I hit sash”
“Why…? She was being mean to you again?”
I stood there howling like a baby until Helga, the deputy carted me of to T.P
If you don’t know what T.P is I had better explain? T.P is a large outbuilding that is home to a team of support staff, who help you if you need any help physically like coursework or emotionally. Helga left me there. Luckily I was the only one in today. Daisy and Mel were on support duty today.
Mel, was the older of the 2, abit of a mother hen fussing and flapping over her charges. Daisy meanwhile was more laid back and enjoyed chatting to people in her care. Mel showed me round and they went into the office. I felt like I had been thrown in the deep end without any warning. I was shaking and felt cold. The silent was uneasy and I kept thinking. How do I escape?
At T.P I sat at an individual desk and gazed longingly out of the window at the wonderful old building that stood opposite. What am I doing here? I don’t really know. I certainly don’t feel better. In fact I feel drained, like there is no fight left in me. What about drama tomorrow? I tried to block it out with work that had been set . All I could hear is gun shots in my head and lots of screaming. My comrade had been hit. Blood was trickling in every direction. The screaming was getting louder.
Ms Cambell entered T.P as I rushed to the toilet. I was throwing up violently when Ms Cambell knocked on the door.
“Are you alright?”
I left the toilet unsteady swaying from side to side. Trying to grab onto something to steady me.
All I saw was Flora grasping her throat. She was extremely breathless and shaking uncontrollably. I instantly knew I had to do something. I rushed forward and caught her before she fell. I stood holding her momentarily lifeless body and thought to myself. What is going on? A healthy 15yr old doesn’t suddenly faint.
What was I going to do? Should I move her and go and get help or should I stay here? I decided on the latter being the most sensible. I knew my mother would be getting her lunch soon. She came forward.
“I don’t, know she was being sick. Then she fainted.
My mother went into boss mode. I was grateful. I hate to admit it but I hate blood and gore.
Between me and my mother we lifted Flora up and carried her to a chair. We lay her down gently checking nothing was obstructing her mouth. My mother went to telephone Helga for advise
“We should leave her to rest now”
I couldn’t leave this poor frightened child, alone.
“Mother with all due respect I would like to stay”
I took vigil by her side like a mother lion protecting her young.
“Everything will be okay. Things will get better in the future. Sure it’s hard work but it will be worth it”
I heard my mother and Helga talking in hushed whispers. What were they discussing?
“What happened Ms Cambell?”
“I don’t know, Helga. One minute she was being sick, the next she fainted”
“Has she any medical condition, that would make her feel this way?”
“Not that I’m aware of, Ms Hope will have more information on any illness. After all she is the yr 11 mentor”
“mum could you phone the year office”
“Darling why can’t you do it?”
“Flora needs a friend, and quite frankly you and daisy don’t know her.”
“What about me?”
“Well Helga you could have caused this problem. She trusted you and you stuck her in T.P. How can you ever live with yourself? I couldn’t”
Ms Cambell paces back and forth, like an angry lioness that’s ready to pounce on the next threatening thing that crosses its path. Watching, with anxiety, waiting for signs of improvement.
“She needs privacy and several people are due in next lesson”
“Well what do you suggest Ms Cambell?”
“The only place, that’s free, is the year office”
Ms Cambell gently swoops Flora in her arms and set’s off swiftly to the year office.
Ms Cambell gingerly knocks on the door
“Who’s there?” Ms Hope asks quizzingly
“It’s me Ms Cambell.”
“Well what do you want” barked Ms Hope extremely agitated at being disturbed.
“Flora, fainted at T.P”
“Ah, bring her inside”
Ms Hope holds the door open as Ms Cambell appears slightly breathless. They both sat down. Ms Hope was perched on the edge of her seat; Ms Cambell was glaring round the room nervously, waiting. Helga entered the room and starts to pace frantically up and down, muttering. Muttering.
“What happened?” questioned Ms Hope
“We don’t know until she wakes up. What happens if she doesn’t want to talk about this?”
I have been mentoring young people for a number of years. Some were…….well extremely reluctant to talk.
“What happened to them?” whispered Ms Cambell
“A lot of them …….”
She makes a slicing gesture.
“others ended up in trouble, with the police…….Anyway she will find it beneficial to talk about it sooner rather than later. It will eat away her soul and destroy her if she doesn’t”
“How can I help?” enquired Ms Cambell
“The best we can do is just be there if she wants to talk”
“Lot’s of encouragement and praise. Her self esteem will probably be rock bottom. Be patient. She is an honest and conscientious student, who wants to succeed.”
We have seen what happens when people are excluded from society but do they ever get accepted again? I mean their self confidence has been dented very badly. Some times they can but they might have to go a lot of grovelling. They find that socially things have changed and moved on but can they change? Where do they fit in the hierarchy of life?
14th April 06
Dear Chi Chi,
All is quiet on the western front. Thank god. All week I have been bombarded by peers. Why? I have never given them a reason to hate me. All is quiet on the western front, but for how long?
After Ms Cambell found me in a state. She has been my guardian angel. However she can’t stop this constant bang. Bang. Banging in my head. My friends are all lying top to bottom, lifeless. We have reached a STALEMATE. A STALEMATE. A cold shiver of apprehension creeps up my spine. I know what I must do. I have no choice.
Flora was no different to the others. She just wanted to be accepted for who she was.
She knew that the only way she could do this is confront her demons. I knew she wasn’t ready, not really. She persuaded me and fool heartedly I let her do it , as she requested alone.
The thorn is sharp and hurts like hell
Pricking, pricking under the skin .
I have no control, no self belief
Who can I turn too for relief?
Ms Cambell came to me and Ms Hope after school
“I’ve done a terrible thing…….”
They nodded. They understood. They weren’t happy but what could they do?
Flora had made her choice.
The kooler. A place of reflection
A fortress of isolation
She will be safe at least and supported in taming her beast
We all believed it had ended, but no this was the beginning of the end
Close the doors, winter has passed
Cold and dark chillin my body and mind
Find the light
The bright white light
Open your heart and mind
To the beauty of spring
New born chicks, cute bunnies
And ducklings following under
THE WING OF MUM
Don’t stay behind closed doors forever
There is more to life than this
Find the light the bright white light
Eternal spring has started.