Chapter 1 of War on Walmart: President Bush's initiation of Operation Retail Freedom
|Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States of America:
My fellow Americans,
As of this hour, 9:00, make that 9:01 PM Eastern Standard Time September 31st, 2005, US forces have launched a pre-emptive strike against the greatest evil of our generation. This evil regime threatens the freedom and liberty of all Americans both at home and abroad. Who would hate America so much and dare to mess with Texas? No, not bin Laden, or Saddam, or liberals. No. Give up? Drum roll please. Wal-mart.
Ever since its founding by Sam Walton back in 1962, Wal-mart has tried to destroy the American way of life. Under the current regime of Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-mart, the company has repeatedly shown contempt and hatred for the American people. Lee Scott is a ruthless and evil dictator. He underpays and overworks his own people. He has helped illegal immigrants trying to enter our country illegally and find employment in an illegal manner. He threatens competing retailers and mom and pop stores by underselling goods with razor thin profit margins. He has suppressed basic liberties, such as the right to unionize. He has his own death squad, which he calls managers, that fire dissenters within his stores. We even suspect that he has aided the recent economic recession by paying working class Americans minimum wage, in turn forcing them to shop at Wal-mart because it’s the only thing they can afford.
Worst of all, he has hidden stockpiles of banned WMD’s, weapons of market deflation. We believe Lee Scott has developed weapons capable of wrecking the American economy. He has the potential to cause serious deflation and break an already fragile economy. In defiance against federal regulations, Wal-mart has refused to allow federal agents to freely inspect their accounting records and corporate headquarters. Three times in the past year, Congress has passed bills to force Wal-mart to allow federal inspectors investigate their property, or else. Two times, Wal-mart has refused. The third time, Wal-mart allowed us to enter their corporate headquarters, but since we have yet to find any WMD’s, we came to the only logical conclusion: he has them hidden somewhere else! Though there is no solid proof, we believe he is hiding WMD’s and plotting to use them against Americans. Therefore, I ordered a pre-emptive strike against Wal-mart and its weapons of market deflation.
As president of the United States, I have initiated “Operation Retail Freedom.” As we speak, U.S. aircraft are bombing strategic Wal-mart sites such as warehouses and distribution outlets in a “shop in awe” campaign. Once we’ve disabled their main vending outlets and cut off their cash supply, Marines stationed in neighboring stores will charge across Wal-mart’s parking lots and neutralize any resistance. Then, coalition forces from around the U.S. will converge on Wal-mart headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas and capture its leaders, dead or alive.
The road to Bentonville will not be easy. Already, there are reports that Scott is luring civilians into his stores with low prices so they can act as unwitting human shields. Also, our troops could encounter Wal-mart’s elite employees. These notorious diehards ambush their enemies with circular, yellow, stickers shaped similar to a smiling human face. We believe they have the ability to spread a contagious disease known in the defense community as happiness. To the brave men and women serving the United States, I say, this: You have a tough and dangerous road ahead of you. American shoppers everywhere will appreciate your sacrifice.
To the employees of Wal-mart and those living in the immediate proximity of its stores: We will try our best to avoid civilian casualties, but Wal-mart has a nasty habit of building stores near heavily populated areas that are convenient for consumers. Please stay away from Wal-mart stores if possible. Shop somewhere else. If you are an employee of Wal-mart, lay down your badges uniforms, and your life will be spared. You will be treated to full unemployment benefits.
To the people of America, this is all I have to say: We are not alone in this struggle for consumer freedom. A “coalition of the willing” of over 30 Wal-mart competitors who obviously have nothing to gain from its demise, have pledged their support for the United States military in its quest to topple Wal-mart. K-mart for example, is lending the military with over ten thousand shopping carts specially equipped with “blue light” technology to use once we reach Wal-mart’s doors. Target has allowed us to use their parking lots as temporary bases, as well as their logo for…targets. Even CVS has contributed, sending over a year’s supply of band-aids as well as a pharmacist to apply those band-aids. The list goes on and on. To those stores, we appreciate your help, and we’ll show it by giving you generous tax cuts next year.
And lastly, to the leaders of Wal-mart: Your days are numbered, just like those cash registers in your stores. We will get you, if not today, then tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or next year, but we will get you. Heck, if I don’t get you, Jeb will. And if he doesn’t…well, we’ll get you before that.
Good night, and God bless America!