In a moment before before time
|"Are you ready?"
How could he possibly ask me that? I don't know if I'm ready. Who ever knows if they're ready for something like this. I didn't answer. Then I felt tears brewing in my eyes. I didn't want him to see me cry.
"You know I'm not worried about how this will turn out for you."
His voice was calm and reassuring. I let myself give in and believed his words. He did have some kind of power over me. I was beginning to feel invinsable. But I still couldn't speak. The lump in the back of my throat would explode if I tried to talk.
"You are going to have an amazing trip, you know?"
I didn't want to look in his direction. I tried to keep my eyes fixed on the corner of the table where we sat. But I was weak and my gaze wondered to meet his beautiful blue eyes. His eyes were filled with softness and warmth, with strength and ever knowing reassurance. A reassurance that I needed to know more about.
As much as I wanted to go and explore, and take this journey to life, I really didn't want to leave. Why did I have to leave? Why?
He read my thoughts and I knew what his silence was saying.
A woman's voice echoed through the building. She told us that the departures would begin in five minutes. My thoughts were trapped in a box of five minutes.
He chuckled, "it's only five minutes."
"Yes...but what exactly is five minutes?" I knew he wouldn't tell me.
"You will begin to understand five minutes, in five minutes."
I shook my head. "What if I don't make it back?"
"I'm not worried about you not coming home. I'm worried that you won't leave."
"It's not like I have a choice, do I?"
"You can do whatever you want. This is still just a choice. It has always been a choice, for you, your family, your friends. No one is forced to go. You leave by your our own free will."
I was really confused. "But I've been told, my entire life...."
"......Do you even know what that means?"
"It's the entire existence that I have known until now."
He smiled, "You do understand."
My eyes drifted back to the corner of the table. "I've heard stories some return home broken. They stay haunted and sad by their journey."
"No one that comes back is ever the same, neither will you."
The lady came back on the speaker and announced that departures were beginning. I closed my eyes. I was sick and dizzy with fear, sadness, and excited anticipation.
"Look at me. You have nothing to fear."
"I've heard some say that this journey feels longer than what it really is. Is that true?"
"Just tell yourself that it's temporary."
"What if I get lost?"
"Then I will come and find you."
"What if I don't like it there?"
"Most don't, but they make it livable. And so will you. Now quickly tell me again all that you want to accomplish while you're there?"
I took a deep breath. "I want to live in a big city, I want to walk on the beach, I want to swim in the ocean, I want to see to write, I want to know lots of different souls there. I want to know different languages." I couldn't remember everything that I had always wanted to do, and now it was time to go do them all.
"You didn't mention love. Don't you want to be loved?"
"I thought about writing that down, but there wasn't a lot of room or time for everything I wanted. So I decided to leave it off. As long as you love me, why would I need anyone else's love?"
He only looked at me. I knew my answer was foolish and wrong. But time was limited, and I wanted to experience so much. The stories I heard about love was it did nothing more than slow a person down.
"We don't have time to change your list. So I hope you can live with it. It's time....one last thing." he looked at me, "I love you. I love you, I love you. Don't ever forget that."
I felt my vision getting fuzzy, and then an incredible pressure was pushing down on me. I couldn't breath. I couldn't open my eyes. I felt different, but I can't explain exaclty how, or what felt different. My thoughts were changing. I couldn't remember where I had just been, I couldn't remember what I had just been doing. A bright light was on my face, I couldn't see it, but I could feel it. I could hear loud sounds all around me, but I couldn't understand what the the noises were. Then I felt myself being lifted and then carried. And then I was cold, colder than I've ever known. I felt disoriented, lost and dizzy. And then I was hit on my back, which knocked the wind right out of me. And then wrapped in the warmth of love and kisses from a room full of strangers, saying welcome.
My time in life was a mad and crazy race of activity.Some parts were great, and some parts not worth remembering. But that's another story. For another time and place, other than now. You're getting ready to take your journey, and you asked what my moment before my life was like.