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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1162915
Rated: 13+ · Documentary · Comedy · #1162915
The truth about Evolution, Elves, Leprechauns, and Oompa Loompas.
Leprechauns and Elves



         Do you know the real story between leprechauns and elves? You may not know it, but they are mortal enemies. However, before I tell you that story, I have to tell you this one:
         It is common knowledge that Charles Darwin wrote The Origin of Species in 1859. But, two years before he started experimenting with goldfinches and evolution, he was on the verge of something extraordinary. Charles Darwin was, in secret an alchemist! Yes! It's true! An alchemist in secret, just like Sir Issac Newton. An alchemist, in case you didn't know, is somewhat of a chemist. Why, how would you figure that? cause 'alchemist' has the word 'chemist' in it, idiot!
         Anyway, an alchemist mixes together a bunch of chemicals to make a bubbly concoction, and then bakes it until he produces something called a Philosopher's Stone. The Philosopher's Stone is an amazing object. It can turn metal into gold, and can also give you immortality.
         So, one day, Darwin was sitting at his alchemist's table, mixing together a bunch of chemicals. He put it into the kiln and baked it for five hours. Sweating profusely, Darwin took the baked concoction out and saw that it was a huge orange blob. Darwin, smart enough to know that a huge orange blob was not the Philosopher's Stone, disregarded it and went to bed.
         Darwin woke up at precisely six o' clock AM, and saw that the orange blob had turned into what would be called a protist. The protist was mutated and had some sort of extra-growth hormone. The protist eventually evolved into a little orange bug at the end of the day. There was still some of the orange blob left over, so he recorded the day's progressions and went to bed
         At six o' clock AM, Darwin got up again. This time, he felt an arm wrapped around his torso. The leftover orange blob from the other night had transformed into an Oompa Loompa...who was spooning him. Darwin hurridly got up, and saw that his room was full of short, orange, Oompa Loompas. Darwin knew he couldn't keep these Oompa Loompas, so he sold all except 5 to some chocolate factory. The Oompa Loompas worked day and night, but they were happy and had a place to live.
         As for the remaining Oompa Loompas, Darwin did tests on four of them and kept the last one as a control group. Two of the Oompa Loompas mutated into Elves, one female, and one male. The other two mutated into Leprechauns, one male, and one female. Unfortunately for Darwin, the last Oompa Loompa escaped, and is still on the run from the government.
         And that was how Darwin really discovered the theory of evolution. The government decided the truth was too much for the public to handle [like Area 51], so they wrote The Origin of Species, and made Darwin sign it, in order to give him credit.
         Now, onto how Elves and Leprechauns are mortal enemies. After Darwin transformed the Oompa Loompas, he shipped the Elves to the North Pole, and the Leprechauns to some unimportant, insignificant country: Ireland. Both lived peacefully for many years, but the laws of the Universe became the catalyst for confrontation. One sunny bright morning, the leprechauns and elves [both had reproduced and started a population]were scheduled to pick up chocolate from none other than Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. The Elves were scheduled to pick up Chocolate Bunnies for the Easter bunny [Actually, the Easter bunny plays a double shift--he's also the Playboy Bunny]. The Leprechauns, on the other hand, were scheduled to pick up a shipment of gold, chocolate coins.They were both due to arrive at aproximately 12:00 noon.
         First, the elves arrived and went to the fifth floor to pick up the bunnies. Then, the Leprechauns came and went to the third floor. Both saw their mistake and realized the chocolate was on the fourth floor. The Elves pressed 'Down' and the Leprechauns pressed 'Up' at the same time.
         The Great Glass Elevator, having no mind of its own, was so confused about where to go, that it promptly remained in the middle. After waiting, and waiting, the Elves finally started walking down the stairs. Leprechauns, despite what you may have heard, are among the most patient animals on Earth. They can outwait a man trapped on a deserted island, ravenous for sex. Well, either that, or they just lack sense of direction and time. The Leprechauns also started walking, but slightly faster than the Elves. Because of that, both groups met in the middle. They gaped at each other for exactly 42 seconds, in which Douglas Adams ran by holding a pair of chocolate flavored towels.
         "How can I be related to a bunch of short, small guys who run around a bulbous fat guy, with prancing reindeer, who gives presents to a bunch of little brats who celebrate Santa instead of Jesus on Christmas Day?" shouted the Leprechauns.
         "Well, how can I be related to the Irish?" asked the Elves, and that insult said more than anything else.
         Soon, everyone was going nuts, the elves were throwing chocolate tubes of plutonium, which had some real plutonium added, and the Leprechauns were lighting their farts on fire. In the midst of all this, Mr. Willy Wonka spoke up.
         "Excuse me, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm afraid my sperm has an appointment with The Queen. Good Day," and he left.
         Everyone was still fighting, nobody knows what began the fight, but still, the Elves and Leprechauns are very mad at each other. They are moral enemies, and always will be.
© Copyright 2006 Lu6cifer (lu6cifer at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1162915