i based this on a similar experience in my life & on my realization about happiness
| thinking. a stream of constant thought. am i good enough? will i disapoint them? thinking. was that fast enough? could i have served better? do i have enough energy? always in my mind.
i leave the court one last time for the night. a crowd screams at my left, i pass a huddle of young people, as i do i hear chatter about me. my ears are numb from the noise, my mind is numb from all my thoughts. "What's wrong?" someone asks me. I don't respond, i just keep walking and begin closing out the noise and the numbness. i pass other players on my way out, players whom i've beat and some i've never seen. "Great game!" one yells at me. but i keep walking. because if i can keep walking, i can keep it all on the outside. i don't want all the noise inside of me...i've already got enough.
"Tad! Tad!" someone says, running after me. I turn, to find, Mason my manager with his eyes aglow. a smile stamped across his face. "Where are you going rock star?" he asks, jokingly.
"I'm going...." i begin but soon realize that i don't know where it is i was going.
"You can't leave!" he says enthusiastically. "All the fans and all the media are here to see you! You just won your first big match! I got a hot blonde down there waiting for you to sign her rack! or was it racket?" Mason is out of breath, but clearly excited as this is his biggest success too.
I don't say anything. I shake his hand and smile, and tell him i'll be right back. He says alright and that he'll be waiting for me.
I make a giant stride for the door...i'm almost there.
I've changed my mind, i'm running from all the thoughts, all the screams, all the noise and numbness. I want something else. I yearn for happiness.
I've exited the venue and am now at a park i hadn't noticed before. i walk under a canopy of trees, i spot an opening in the tree tops. light streams down from the sky, i bask in it. a subtle breeze surrounds me. i drop my numbness, i abandon my loneliness. i hear the soft murmur of a stream nearby, i hear the quiet of wind flowing around me. i drop to the ground and feel the sharp grass blades against my back. not caring if anyone sees, i roll across the ground. feeling weightless. feeling endless.
I return to the venue, to greet my fans and friends. i realize it isn't overwhelming success which invites sorrow. it isn't anything...it's just me. to be fulfilled isn't about what is happening on the outside, it's about what i feel. i will choose happiness, i will choose the endless elation i felt on the ground at the park. i will live each day from today as though i were being cradled by endless light.