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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1169107
by Daffy
Rated: E · Essay · Comedy · #1169107
Comedic article outlining the trials and tribulations associated with home improvement
Home Improvement

Before undertaking any project, equip yourself with a tool belt and fill aforementioned tool belt with a drill, assorted tools, and a tourniquet. The tourniquet will help quell the massive bleeding that is inevitable when drills are involved in any project, in any capacity.
Ok, you are now prepared for anything, you should now locate a problem within your household. Now locate another problem because the first problem you locate will be either too challenging for bob villa and therefore hopeless, or located in a part of the house more suitable for cave dwellers. Now that you have located the second project, you should begin to resolve the problem by fixing it. To the untrained, that may seem contradictory because after you have fixed it, the project should be over. Ah yes, that would be true if anything worked the way it should, however it doesn’t.
Whatever you have rigged to fix your problem will certainly catch fire. No! It doesn’t matter you replaced the drain at the bottom of your pool. It WILL catch fire. At this point it is advisable to throw your hands up in disgust and ask yourself repeatedly how something you, someone with absolutely no technical training whatsoever, built something and that something did not work absolutely correctly.
Once you manage to get over this mind boggling dilemma you should resort to calling an expert to fix your problem. Note: This is an opportune time to address the fire which has been raging for approximately 45 minutes. The phone book, regardless of where it was last placed, will have migrated to the most inaccessible place known to man. You will undoubtedly need a ladder to reach this place so you break it out only to notice that one of the hinges is irreparably charred. This is due to the loose screw that was on the hinge that you gave a half turn to tighten that subsequently burst into flames. You, recalling your knowledge of engineering from your years of LEGO’s, deem the ladder to be structurally sound. At this point you should place the ladder down and ascend (go up). You should feel very wary about the uneasy swaying of the ladder. However these fears are unfounded because the ladder will not collapse until you are at the very top. You reach the top and have just enough time to say to yourself, “Well surely the ladder will not break now”.
At this point you should be flying through the air wildly flailing for anything to grab on to. Your hand will land on your drill which will immediately start burrowing deeply into your left thigh. You land in a bloody heap on the floor and due to massive blood loss start to hallucinate. If you hallucinate your home improvement projects going well you have lost just enough blood to apply the tourniquet.
© Copyright 2006 Daffy (rinkrat1511 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.Writing.Com/view/1169107