Feels like yesterday.
You are my best friend. I never had anyone I could say all these things I say to you. It’s hard to tell you because you're with him now and I don’t know what to do about that.
Even if you weren’t I think I’d still be afraid, afraid to say just what I feel for you and the things I want to do with you, share with you.
When I meet you, you always disappoint me. I don’t think you know that, but how could you know what thoughts are going through my mind. When you sit there with a smile on your face, it always makes me happy at the same time as it breaks my heart.
I remember that Saturday when we talked and walked for hours just doing nothing, but I still think it was the best night of my life. To be so close to you like that and not have to play a role as I sometimes do when I'm with you.
I can’t control these feelings but it’s sad that you don’t know cus maybe it could work if we really tried, if I tried real hard to be myself and say what’s on my mind and not wind back into the role I don’t think you like as much as the guy I really am.
I don’t know what you see in him, but who am I to pass judgment on someone I haven’t really met or know at all, and why would you like me more than the friend I am.
I still hope someday when it ends that you will come to me, cus I will always be there for you to make you smile when you feel down or when you just want someone to listen to your words as you listen to mine when I feel down.
Don’t think I’m giving up just because I’m down right now. I know that you know somewhere deep inside that it wouldn’t be so bad to take that ride with me away from everything and into the unknown. I would hold your hand and no monsters would dare come near you when we're walking through that dark forest up on the hill that I know you like so much. I know we talked about snow and you said how much you loved it and I said I did too, and I do when I’m walking through it with you.
I watched as a star came crashing down and I wished things would work out for you my angel. If things were as I wanted them to be, I wouldn’t be here now writing things that you already would have known and appreciated, but you are left in the dark cus I’m not as brave as I wish I were at times like this.
It’s hard to get through if you have no one to hold on to when its seems like the night is never gonna end and the sun seems to have lost its way, but around you I always see the sun the moon and the stars shine like I know they can. I’m waiting for that day when the three words I’m about to say lights your eyes and kills the dark forever.
I don’t want to think that day will never come cus I know it will, even if I have to walk alone when the road is steep and icy. I might slip and fall but you will be there to pick me up as you have before.
I know you care, and I’m so happy about that. But as days pass I don’t think that is enough anymore. I want more, but I’m not sure if that’s what you want and if I tell you maybe something changes and that feeling leaves me cold.
Maybe its better to forget all about it and just appreciate you for the good friend you are, or maybe if I don’t tell you, I’ll miss out on the greatest thing ever happening to me.
I think that’s why I even bother to write this, to make up my mind even if I know this doesn’t make it easier in any way, just harder cus now I know how I feel. It terrifies me to have to tell you all these things, and I think it will terrify you too when I let it all out.
What if you change and what if I change? It will all be wasted and the last thing I want to do is waste the chance I still have left.
I’ve never felt like this before, and don’t know what to do. I wont let the flame die as I have before when I was scared and unsure about everything, but this time it’s different. The past is history and all I have is the future to make you understand and know how much you helped me even if you might not know you did.
When I was fading away you called me and asked me how I was. I said fine, and I realized my life wasn’t as gray as I thought it was just minutes before you called.
The winter is just around the corner. I can’t tell you, but I think you know I’m hoping for a white winter so we can take that walk we planned this summer.
Just you and me and the snow gently falling on our heads, streetlights making it turn blue just the way we said we liked it best. And if it’s cold I’ll hold you the way I know you like it cus you said you did just the other night.
We could write our names and think of better days, but I doubt it could get any better than this.
November 20, 2000
Edited by Ronda