A short skit that I could imagine seeing on SNL.
(STUDENT wakes up in his apartment to someone knocking on the door. Gets up and answers it.)
SALESMAN: Good Morning! How are you today?
STUDENT: I’m fine, you woke me up though. (Pause) Wait, who are you?
SALESMAN: I’m a salesman for the vacuum company on 34th street.
(SLAM! STUDENT quickly closes the door on SALESMAN’s face.)
SALESMAN: (muffled) No, wait, I have a great deal for you…
STUDENT: Whatever it is you have, I don’t want it. Go find someone else to sell it to. Besides, I’m in college, what makes you think that I have the money to buy a worthless vacuum anyway?
SALESMAN: I have wonderful product, and I’m sure we can figu—
(POW! A shot rang outside of STUDENT’s door)
SALESMAN: Did you hear that? It came from across the hall! Let me in!
(STUDENT rushes to door and opens it up. SALESMAN hurries in and closes the door and locks it.)
STUDENT: What was that? What happened?
SALESMAN: I was standing there talking and all of a sudden there was a bang from the door behind me. It sounded like a gun.
STUDENT: That’s crazy; no one owns a gun around here. Much less, uses one.
SALESMAN: I don’t know, do you mind if I stay here a while, just in case it was a gun?
STUDENT: Uhhh…. I guess.
SALESMAN: Great! (Moves to couch and sits down)
SALESMAN: So how long have you lived here?
STUDENT: Three years, I’m a junior in college.
SALESMAN: Well, good for you. Have you been doing well?
STUDENT: Yeah, I suppose.
SALESMAN: (coughs) My throat is really dry; do you have anything to drink?
STUDENT: Yeah, sure, I’ll be right back.
(STUDENT exits right. SALESMAN watches STUDENT, as soon as STUDENT leaves, SALESMAN starts searching around apartment. STUDENT reenters to find SALESMAN searching for something. Money, maybe?)
STUDENT: I got your drink, what are you looking for?
SALESMAN: (Turning around quickly.) I was uh… just …looking at your posters on the wall.
STUDENT: Oh, do you like ’em?
SALESMAN: If I were still a youth, I believe I would enjoy them, but I feel they’re too tasteless for me.
STUDENT: Suit yourself.
STUDENT hands over SALESMAN’s drink. Both sit down.
SALESMAN: So, do you want a vacuum?
SALESMAN: I mean, if you change your mind, just let me kn—
STUDENT: I don’t want your stupid vacuum. OK?
SALESMAN: Fine, just doing my job though.
STUDENT: Well, forget it.
SALESMAN: (Taking a drink) This is really good, what is it?
STUDENT: It’s juice, made it myself.
SALESMAN: (finishing the drink) Do you mind if I have some more?
STUDENT: Actually, I think it’s about time you leave.
SALESMAN: Not a problem. I have to go to the bathroom first. Do you mind?
STUDENT: (sighs) I guess, but hurry up.
SALESMAN exits right. STUDENT gets up and looks at his posters.
STUDENT: (to himself) I don’t think these are that bad…
SALESMAN reenters carrying gun. STUDENT turns around and is surprised.
STUDENT: What are you doing? Why do you have a gun?
SALESMAN: Isn’t it obvious? I’m stealing your money. You should have just bought a vacuum.
STUDENT: You’re crazy, I would tell you to get out of my apartment but I’m kind of on the wrong end of the gun here. Look, here’s my wallet, just leave me alone.
(Student tosses wallet on floor next to SALESMAN)
SALESMAN: Wonderful, you have a nice day now.
(Circling each other, SALESMAN shuffles over to the door, still pointing the gun on STUDENT.)
SALESMAN: (Bowing) Yes Sir.
SALESMAN, with his back to the door, moves away. The door opens and JAKE bursts in.
JAKE: Hey man! What’s up?
JAKE notices SALESMAN with gun. SALESMAN turns around quickly to turn gun on JAKE.
JAKE: Who’re you?
SALESMAN: I’m just a salesman looking for a profit. Would you like to buy a vacuum?
JAKE glancing down at the gun, gives SALESMAN a funny look.
JAKE: I don’t think I want a vacuum.
SALESMAN: Are you sure?
JAKE: Yeah, I’m sure.
STUDENT: JAKE, this guy just robbed me.
JAKE: I hadn’t noticed, you know, with the gun and all.
SALESMAN: Now, wait a second. I didn’t rob you, just took your money at gunpoint. Let’s not use such terrible words.
STUDENT: Oh, I’m sorry, you took my money at gunpoint. How politically incorrect of me. (angrily)
JAKE: So, what do we do?
STUDENT: Well, we could attack him at the same time, disable him, take the gun, and call the cops. What do you think?
SALESMAN: You do know that I’m standing right here, right?
JAKE: Yeah, dude, I don’t think it’ll work now.
STUDENT: It was worth a try.
SALESMAN: JAKE, why don’t you join your friend ever there?
JAKE: I don’t really feel like it, I think I’ll stay over here by the door so I can escape easier.
(SALESMAN holds up the gun)
JAKE: You know what? I think I’ll come over there with you.
SALESMAN: Much better.
(JAKE moves around SALESMAN and over toward STUDENT)
STUDENT: So, what do we do now?
SALESMAN: OK, now I want both of you to take off your clothes.
(Both JAKE and STUDENT give him incredulous stares)
SALESMAN: (Laughs) I’m just kidding, but JAKE, I do want you to give me your wallet.
JAKE: Can I keep my drivers license? I need to get around you know.
SALESMAN: (sighs) I don’t think that would be a problem, go ahead.
(JAKE takes out his wallet and grabs some things from it. SALESMAN glances down at his watch nervously.)
SALESMAN: Are you done yet? Hurry up and toss me your wallet.
JAKE: Overhand or underhand?
JAKE: I didn’t know how you wanted me to throw you the wallet. Overhand or under hand?
SALESMAN: Underhand. OK?
JAKE: Yeah, sure.
STUDENT: Better watch out for his underhand, he used to play softball with the girls in high school.
JAKE: He’s right.
SALESMAN: (angry) OK! Then throw it overhand! I’m a little past caring how you throw the wallet to me.
JAKE: Alright, man, relax.
(JAKE throws wallet at SALESMAN)
SALESMAN: Ugh.. Finally, I can leave.
(SALESMAN turns around to move out of the door. Someone knocks from the hallway. SALESMAN opens door)
ALLEN: Who’re you?
SALESMAN: I’m really fed up with people showing up at your house. (Looking back at STUDENT)
STUDENT: What can I say? I guess I’m a popular guy.
ALLEN: So, who’re you?
SALESMAN: I’m a salesman, and I take it you don’t want to buy a vacuum.
ALLEN: Not really…
JAKE: Watch out, ALLEN, he’s got a gun.
STUDENT: I think he sees that, dude.
ALLEN: I see that, thank you, JAKE. So, what, did he rob you or something?
JAKE: Well, actually, he just held us at gunpoint and took our stuff.
SALESMAN: Thank you.
JAKE: You’re welcome.
ALLEN: Sounds like you guys have had quite the day, huh?
SALESMAN: I think it’s been weirder for me, really.
STUDENT: Yeah, this guy’s having quite the time taking our stuff. Would you like a drink?
ALLEN & JAKE: I’d love one.
SALESMAN: No! Stop it! ALLEN, go over their by your friends!
(ALLEN moves around SALESMAN and over to JAKE and STUDENT.)
JAKE: Better watch out, man, you keep obeying him like that and your clothes will be off in a second.
STUDENT: How about those drinks?
(STUDENT exits right before SALESMAN can say anything.)
SALESMAN: ALLEN, give me your wallet.
ALLEN: I don’t like where this is going. JAKE, I thought you said he didn’t rob you?
JAKE: No, I told you, he took our stuff at gunpoint. See the gun he’s holding, well we’re at the point of it. Get it?
ALLEN: Oh, I see.
SALESMAN: So, how about that wallet?
(ALLEN starts towards SALESMAN to give him the wallet.)
SALESMAN: What are you doing? (Holding up the gun)
ALLEN: You said for me to give you my wallet, right? Make up your mind, man. Do you want it or not?
SALESMAN: I meant for you to throw it to me.
ALLEN: Oh, how was I supposed to know?
SALESMAN: I would have thought the gun gave it away.
ALLEN: Well, I can’t throw very well. Is it ok if JAKE throws it, I’ve heard he’s got a good underhand.
(ALLEN hands wallet to JAKE)
JAKE: Wait a sec. He doesn’t want me to throw it underhand.
SALESMAN: It’s fine. Just get me the wallet.
(Jake winds up as STUDENT walks back in with drinks)
STUDENT: Here, I brought the drinks.
STUDENT: I also brought one for you if you still want it.
SALESMAN: No, it’s okay. I just want the wallet.
JAKE: Are you sure, I can throw it to you if you want.
STUDENT: Nah, man, don’t do that, you’ll get juice all over my carpet.
JAKE: I was just kidding, man.
ALLEN: JAKE, throw it.
(JAKE throws the wallet underhand.)
STUDENT: I thought he didn’t want you to throw it underhand.
JAKE: Changed his mind.
ALLEN: So, when can I get that back?
SALESMAN: Are you serious?
ALLEN: Sure am.
JAKE: I don’t think you’re going to get it back, man.
SALESMAN: I think that’s a safe bet.
ALLEN: Where’s my incentive to let you keep my wallet?
(SALESMAN looks at him like he’s crazy and shakes the gun)
ALLEN: You sure know how to make a deal. I accept.
SALESMAN: I think I might go crazy if I stay here much longer.
STUDENT: No, don’t leave, have a drink with us.
SALESMAN: I don’t think so.
JAKE: Why not? He makes the best juice.
SALESMAN: I know. I’ve had some.
ALLEN: Really? When?
SALESMAN: That doesn’t really matter.
JAKE: You gave him some of your juice?
STUDENT: Yeah, I did.
SALESMAN: I swear, I think I should just kill you all to save the rest of the world from you.
JAKE: Kill us? That doesn’t seem very politically correct. How about, “take our lives with projectiles of force?”
STUDENT: That’s good. I like it.
JAKE: You think so? I just made it up.
SALESMAN: That’s it! I’ve had enough of you three!
ALLEN: Wait a sec. I just got here, how could you have enough of me yet?
SALESMAN: You’re right, but since you’re with these two idiots, I think you must be the same way, say good night.
STUDENT: Good night? It’s morning though.
JAKE: Yeah, you must be going crazy if you think its night already.
SALESMAN: I know it’s not night, you two. It’s an expression for, ‘you’re dead’.
ALLEN: Dead? Can I just buy a vacuum instead?
JAKE: Yeah, me too!
STUDENT: (crossing his arms) I don’t want a stupid vacuum.
JAKE: You sure?
SALESMAN: Let this be my answer.
(SALESMAN fires his gun at the three but all that comes from it is a click. All three boys flinch, then, slowly open their eyes to see they are all still alive. After exchanging glances, the boys all rush at SALESMAN. Lights snap off before they get to him.)