A humorous outlook on the stresses of motherhood!
|A Day In The Life of a Stressed Mother!
It was the alarm clock's fault, it didn't go off. How the heck was i supposed to know it need a new battery? I blearily open an eye when next door's dog barks interrupting what was a fantastic dream about an ex boyfriend. It was only five fifteen, i lay back and try to emerge myself back into a blissful state. A few minutes later i realise the damn dog is still yapping and voices could clearly be heard outside. The day had already started and i was late.
Swearing at the clock i rushed into my son's bedroom shaking him awake.
There's nothing worse than being late, trying to remember umpteen things before you leave the house knowing you haven't had time to drink a much needed cup of coffee watch GMTV and criticise the outfit Fiona Phillips wore that morning. My son is talking at me and i nod not knowing what he's actually on about. When money is mentioned i can suddenly hear and bark "How much?" Last minute Louis i call him when he does this, shoving a fiver at him i curse the school and it's constant need for funding. As i'm whinging my son wisely goes and gets ready for school having used up the last of the milk for his Coco Pops.
Arriving at his school having followed a Learner driver all the way there, i deposit my son in the reception area and sign him in as a late arrival. The Receptionist takes in my appearance and smiles, obviously noticing how rough i look and knowing she got up in time and looks stunning. Kissing my boy i leave quickly knowing i'm late for a doctor's appointment and still have to find a place to park in town.
"You're late", The doctor's receptionist states the obvious as i'm standing there trying to get my breath back after fast walking from the car park.
I hate it when they do that, like i did it on purpose, mumbling a 'sorry' i sit down next to an old guy with a hacking cough and instantly regret doing so. Now i've got to listen to it and have bits of phelgm spat all over me.
The waiting room is full and as usual there is a baby screaming its head off whose mother makes no attempt to shut it up. Two old dears sitting opposite are discussing their ailments and i listen while pretending to read an ancient copy of People's Friend. I've heard the woman's life history before the doctor comes out and announces my name loudly. Everyone stops what they are doing to watch as i go to greet the doctor who apologises for the delay. I find this comment amusing as i've been silently cursing him for keeping me waiting and have phelgm spattered on the side of my head courtesy of the man sitting next to me.
Explaining my symptoms to him i realise he's already writing out the prescription which is annoying as i haven't finished telling him the pain i've suffered and the sympathy i need. He looks up and asks a question, my reply leads to the fact i've got to get undressed for him to check out my nether regions.
Standing behind the curtain, i realise my pants are the naff ones i only wear when the best ones are in the wash, my big toe is poking through a hole of my Lisa Simpson socks confirming i'm not a model for Ann Summers.
Suddenley the door bursts open and it's the Receptionist again, i listen as they discuss another patient and then there is a breif silence. They're probably looking at my socks which can be seen from under the curtain. During the examination i study the crack in the wall and suddenly it's all over and i'm sent on my way with prescription in hand to the chemist.
I'm informed by a hatchet faced Pharmacist there is an hour wait for my medication and it's no use grumbling about it as they are short staffed and she can't do it any quicker. I spot the hacking cough man looking at a display of suppositories and fearing a phelgm explosion i leave.
As i'm wandering down the High Street i'm making a mental list of what i need to get and where i'm supposed to be. Running late has messed up my day and my mood is that of a spitting cobra. The people in front of me suddenly stop having met someone they haven't seen since time began, too busy reminiscing they fail to notice they've blocked the path and the only way past is to step in the busy road of which lorries and buses are hurtling past.
They don't hear me muttering horrible things about them as i pass so i accidentally on purpose elbow one of them just to make me feel better. The cow still doesn't notice so i go on my way cursing her choice of naff trousers. Next stop is my place of work to hand in my sick note and to prove to my work colleagues that i feel as bad as i look.
Vicky is my boss and unbearable to work with, married to the rich and good looking Howard her life is the complete opposite of mine. She doesn't have to work at all as her husband's got money coming out of his backside of which he talks through much of the time. They're always jetting off to places like Cuba and Barbados and still have the cheek to moan about it. I'm grateful for a weekend in Brighton if i'm lucky. As i enter the office she smiles up at me. "You do look awful", she says and i nod in agreement. The other girls in the office watch as i hand the sick note to her, i'm aware that as soon as i leave they will start discussing me and how my absence means they will have to do extra work and they hate me for it. Vicky suggests i should go home and take it easy, i feel like a kid as she speaks in a patronising manner, i nod in all the right places and at the first chance say a polite farewell. The animated conversation which stopped abruptly on my arrival starts up again as i close the door reminding me of a group of bored housewives at a pie bake off. I must start looking for another job.
I've still got twenty minutes before i can collect my prescription so decide to kill some time by window shopping. As i'm standing outside a boutique looking at a dress i can't afford someone taps me on the shoulder. Turning round i see my ex boyfriend and he's not alone, next to him is his new girlfriend looking slim and stunning and giving me a look that could kill. It's annoying when blokes do that, the vibes i'm getting off her signal the fact that she's got my man now and not to consider trying to get him back or she'll kill me. Of course my ex is oblivious to this and rambling on about some nonsense that i couldn't give a stuff about. I watch as his girlfriend clings to his arm possessively she is clearly threatened by me so i find myself milking the situation for all it's worth. Suddenly i'm travelling down reminiscent lane with my ex, jokes are shared and laughed over while she stands there stone faced. After a short while she can take it no more and starts pulling at his arm reminding him of an urgent appointment they simply have the attend. Both she and i are well aware of what i'm doing as we catch each others eyes. Eventually i stop being a bitch and say goodbye knowing full well i've just instigated a row between the two of them. My ex is a plank anyway and deserves the verbal vicious beating she's giving him.
A woman with a clipboard stops me bleating on about a survey that is boring and time wasting, after a polite no i walk away only to be confronted by another clipboard wielding idiot who asks the same dumb questions. It appears that today is the day for survey and i laugh as other shoppers clock the situation and zig zig down the street trying to avoid them. A pushchair is rammed into the back of my leg and this girl the size of Mount Etna barges past, there's no apology as she's busy yakking on her mobile, it's obvious she needs plenty of room as she's casting shadows down the street as she goes. Rubbing my leg i decide to find sanctuary in a shop.
As soon as i enter it's apparent i've made the wrong choice, the shop is heaving with customers and wandering up and down aisles is not improving my mood. A simple question to a staff member results in a blank look and i'm told the item i want is 'over there' pointing in the general direction of the rest of the shop. He's far too busy pricing things to be bothered showing me, so i do some more wandering until i find the elusive item.
The queue is long and i sigh as i join the end of it, there is only one till being operated on by a girl who started there that morning. She's looking panicked and is taking an age to scan and pack. People are getting tetcy having spent hours wandering the aisles like me, cutting comments are heard up and down the line and i almost feel sorry for the girl then change my mind after twenty minutes of waiting.
My turn comes placing the item on the counter the girl says there's no bar code on it, shrugging i expect her to sort it as there's no way i'm getting another. Grabbing the item she starts to wave it in the air and calling out for the price. I can hear more huffing and puffing from the queue and now everyone is now looking at the sanitary towels that are being waved about. Eventually another member of staff ambles over and tells her the price, he is oblivious the the queue next to him as he pats a couple of boxes in front of the till in an attempt to tidy up. I need a coffee badly and get out of there as fast as i can.
My stomach is gurgling at me as i stare at the wonderful display of waist expanding cakes i know i can't have. Having a stomach bug is inconvenient at any time especially now when i'm in the mood for a chocolate doughnut. I really don't want to barf it up later so i settle for a cappuccino instead. The cafe is busy and all tables are full, sipping my drink i stand there for a few moments hoping that someone will move or take pity and let me sit down. A woman does move and i take a step towards her table. An old lady beats me to it and i act like i'm not bothered and enjoy standing up drinking coffee. There is no sign of staff clearing tables and when i do manage to secure one it's covered in squashed food and spilt drinks left by the previous occupants. As i'm sitting there finishing what's left of my drink i'm getting looks from the people at the next table, they assume i've made the mess and i'm a dirty cow. I feel i have to say something as the woman is still staring . "Terrible isn't it?", i say pointing at the mess. She ignores me and looks away nose in the air. Now i hate her and hope the bun she's eating chokes her.
Errands still have to be run and there is no sign of a Knight in shining armour to do it for me, so with head pounding i leave the cafe and head towards the library.
"You owe 34 pence", the Librarian announces loudly.
Offers to pay it later are refused as i've owed the money for ages, she won't let me have my copy of 1001 Things To Do Before You Die and holds it back out of reach. Feeling lonely and deprived i tell her i'll be back later with the money.
There's a queue at the cash point and knowing i've a tenner in my account i join it happy in the knowledge i'll get my book and can spend the afternoon perusing the pages. The cash point eats my card and the cashier in the banks informs me with a toothy smile it will take five working days to get a new one. She wishes me a good day as i leave with shoulders bowed.
Picking up my prescription i decide to go home as i can't take no more, there is a crowd round the ticket machine and the mood is not happy. One man who looks a bit like Jerry Springer in a cheap suit in moaning at a Parking Attendant. Something about being three seconds late, his wife is nodding furiously and begins to criticise the local council. All this is falling on deaf ears as the attendant stopped listening ages ago and has already issued the ticket. Obscenities fill the air as i walk towards my car, soon i'll be in the relative safety of my home where no one can hassle me.
There's a problem with the ticket barrier, i have shoved my ticket in the machine but nothing happens. The car behind toots its horn because i have deliberately caused a hold up. Pressing the assistance button acheives nothing, again the car toots so i turn in my seat and give him the finger. He gives it back and a row is brewing between us. "I wanna go home", i wail into the machine. Magically the barrier lifts up and i drive through feeling a sense of achievement.
As soon as i'm out on the road a white van cuts me up, that's the problem with driving a small car getting picked on by other road users. Buses are the worst thinking they own the road, i'm sure they've had special lessons on how to pee people off.
Later after collecting my son from school i arrive home feeling knackered, so much for rest and relaxation suggested by the spoilt Vicky, it's been traumatic.
I defrosted a beef stew and vegetables for dinner thinking it nourishing and satisfying but my son isn't impressed as he wants chips. We eat in silence.
Escaping to the sanctuary of my bedroom and duvet land i trying to block all thoughts of what was a crap day. My son's voice unexpectedly interupts my dozy slumbers. I ignore him thinking he'll realise i'm ill and asleep. He calls again but louder. "Muum".
"What!" i snap.
"There's no toilet roll".
The End of a Weary Day.