Letter to Bobby, my fiancee's brother, who left us 10-10-05.
It's been almost two years that you have been gone. No one has been the same since. You left so many questions that will never be answered. You left behind two brothers that are lost without you. I love your oldest brother with all of my heart and soul and it kills me that there is nothing that I can do to take away his pain from the loss of you.Personally, I feel loss too. You were not my brother by blood but I still had love for you.
I will never understand why you thought that belt around your neck was the only way out of all of the pain you were in. Why didn't you tell someone? Your brothers would have helped you. Your aunts and uncles loved you too. There is nothing any of us wouldn't have done for you if you would have just asked. I know you were sick and that is the only reason that I don't hate you for what you did. I will never understand why you thought this would be better for everyone. It kills me that all that is left of you is a jar of ashes that your brother carries to each new home we have. It's hard for me not to hate someone who hurt him so much, but I loved you so much and miss you so much that I could never hate you.
You will never see your nieces and nephews. You won't be at our wedding. You'll never find love. You'll never smile again. You'll never be waiting for us to come to see you again. I still expect you to come around a corner and say "I was just joking guys!" That October day we should have been planning your 20th birthday party and not standing around at your grave. I want you to come back. I want you to pick on me, I want to talk religion with you and talk about the world. I want to see you play with your cat Maggie and I want your brother to feel whole again. I want to know how you went from okay to being dead. Did you really do this? GODDAMN IT WHY???? I wanted to grow old with you and your family. I wanted to dance at your wedding, I wanted to watch you grow and change. I don't want to go every year to put flowers on your grave.
I beat myself up because I feel like we should have never moved away and left you. I think you probably hate me for taking your brother away. I never meant to hurt you, if I did. I hope that you know that I loved you. And I hope whereever you are, the voices have stopped and you are Bobby again. I hope you aren't suffering anymore. I know that you thought we would all be better off without you and that you didn't end your life to hurt any of us. But you did hurt alot of people who I know you wouldn't have hurt for the world. I just don't understand and I guess I never will.
Thank you for everything you ever taught me. You taught me about the person that I want to be. You got me closer to God. You taught me to appreciate the beauty in the world even when life really sucks. You give me strength to keep fighting when I want to quit. Even though alot of times, I keep going because I know that I am all that your brother has left in the best friend department. I pray for you often and I always ask for your help when I want to quit. I wish there were such things as ghosts, because you'd be free to haunt my house anytime.
I love you.