by Lori M
thoughts about my husbands death
|In my mind I can see him standing in front of me as though nothing ever happened but it's just my mind playing tricks on me yet again.
I know he is gone and I don't know how my heart beats as broken as it feels. Still, here I sit, heart beating, broken though it is.
I can't get the image of him out of my mind. I try so hard to make it a good memory so I can see him smiling at me with the twinkle he always had in his beautiful eyes but somehow all I can see is him on the floor with all the paramedics around him working to no avail. Worse is the image of him in the coffin. How cold he felt. How wrong that felt to me after all those years of his warmth and love.
As bad as this hurts I wouldn't trade one day of our eighteen years to make it go away although I would gladly give my life just to be with him again for one minute. Funny how I prayed for that for so long.
It goes like this:
God, PLEASE GOD, take me instead. Let him come back and be okay and let me have just one minute to tell him how much I love him and then I'll go in his place. I'll even go straight to hell if I have to but PLEASE GOD LET HIM BE OKAY!
I'm still here.
I don't know if it will ever be better. I'm not sure it can ever be okay that he is gone. Okay, the whole "be thankful he's not in pain anymore" thing has been said over and over and I swear the next idiot to say that to me will get punched right square in the face. I know he's not in pain and of course I am thankful for that but, selfishly, I want him with me. I know it's selfish to want that but I do. I MISS HIM!
We just bought this huge new house and I am now sitting here alone. Yes I still have my dogs Pepper and Toby and yes Charlie still lives here too, although he's not here often at all. Still, it's not the same.
I feel haunted by him sometimes. I swear I hear him call me from downstairs when I'm upstairs or vice versa. I hear noises in the garage and go look and sometimes I can smell his smoke like he was out there smoking. Just my imagination I suppose, yet, sometimes it feels so real.
I woke up the other night and swore he was in the room with me. It was so real that in the confusion of just having woken up startled I actually said his name. I got no reply of course and then in a flood of emotion it all came back to me. I cried myself back to sleep after what seemed an eternity.
I guess it's normal for these things to happen but that doesn't make it better.
I don't know exactly what the purpose of this is I just needed a place to put my thoughts down. Thanks for reading and as always feel free to comment or just write me but please, I beg you, do not tell me about my spelling or grammer. If you've read anything I've written you know I rarely, if ever, spell check or anything. I just write, take it or leave it.