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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1249821-Inanimate-Objects
by 627
Rated: GC · Other · Comedy · #1249821
My Angry Rant Contest entry on ketchup packets, chicken bacon ranch subs, and jocks.
There are many people/groups/whatever that I could write this rant about. There is an even greater amount of inanimate objects that I could go off about. Here are a few:

Ketchup Packets: Who the hell invented these things? They are too small. I don't know any dipshits who use only one ketchup packet for the entirety of their meal. At least three to four are used. So why so damn small? If their size were at least doubled, people would have to spend half the amount of time they normally do opening the fucking things. With the size they are now, we have to spend a ridiculous amount of time opening packet after packet for a yield of very little ketchup. There's just no good strategy to go about it. You can open them all at the beginning of the meal, but that's just frustrating. You can open one at the beginning and continually replenish the supply, but that would be stupid. You could use a combination of the previous two strategies, but...actually, that's not a bad idea. Still, this would all be easier if the damn things were bigger.

Chicken Bacon Ranch Subs: It seems one out of every one assholes who steps into Subway orders one of these subs. Don't believe me? Go sit in Subway for an hour (I hope no one actually has so much time on their hands as to resort to this). Observe how many people orders a Chicken Bacon Ranch Sub. Like I said, one out of every one. I guess this isn't really ranting towards the sub, but more towards people's lack of originality. However, I think that using the title "Chicken Bacon Ranch Subs" makes me appear like less of an asshole than using "People".

Sporks: No. Just no.

Jocks: "But Mark, jocks aren't inanimate objects." Actually, they are. Throwing footballs, shotgunning beers, and ordering chicken bacon ranch subs may be considered signs of intelligent animation, but that is actually an illusion. Jocks don't have brains. That's why they do so badly in school. In actuality, jocks are single-celled organisms, like an amoeba. They only consist of a nucleus and some shit to protect it. They act purely upon instinct and tend to congregate in groups. They all wear the same clothes, eat the same food, and do nearly everything else the same way since it doesn't require thought. Since they do not have brains, they are only good at barbaric activities such as sports. Unlike other single-celled organisms however, jocks do not benefit our ecosystem in any way.

I could go on, but then I would never leave this chair.
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