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by 627
Rated: 13+ · Chapter · Satire · #1252757
Michael gives us the basic background on Hell
Hey, Michael Jensen again. Last I left off, I had just landed myself an eternity in Hell. I didn’t go into much detail about it, and I thought the following:

“Ya know, that’s a real tease.”

I may be an asshole, but I am by no means a tease. Plus, a lot of people are probably curious about this place. I figure if I write the first extensive tour of Hell, it will sell like hotcakes back home.

You know that excited demeanor that people get when they give a tour of someplace to their close friends for the first time? Don’t picture that on me. It’s hell; I am not proud of it. But it would be irresponsible of me not to write about it. I’ve got more than enough time (the rest of eternity) and quite frankly I’ve got nothing else to do.

So in the next however many pages, I’m going to give you a tour of Hell. Coincidentally, my story moves in the same path that the tour would. So, I'll kill two birds with one stone and incorporate my story into the tour. Sound good? Great, let's get started.

When you die, you fall into a dark gray void. You float there for one minute, experiencing a peace that is unattainable in the Earth realm. This happens to every single person when they die, no matter what kind of life they lived.

I was pretty excited when I fell into that void. The feeling of peace that I was experiencing was beyond amazing. Here were my thoughts:

“I wouldn’t mind an eternity of this.”

Unfortunately, this experience only lasts for one minute. It’s called the “Realization Period”. It exists so that you will think these thoughts:

“I’m dead. I’m not sleeping, not dreaming. I’m fucking dead.”

You can confirm that you are dead because you have the memory of dying a few moments prior. And you know it is not a dream because the feeling is so real. There is none of that blurriness that comes along with a dream.

Like I said, the void is great. But after your minute is up, you go to one of two places: Heaven or Hell. A strange looking old man enters the void and gives you your sentence. He tells you where you are going and the reason for going there. Most people go to Hell, and here is why:

God is stubborn.

You see, the Bible is mostly truth. Some misprints here and there have somewhat distorted it over time. But for the most part, it is the word of God.

Common sense tells just about anyone that the Bible is a fairy-tale with a couple of morals. I was just about anyone. That is how it should have been, because it is nearly impossible to comply with what the Bible asks. Our nature goes against it. However, that is not the case.

God had the Ten Commandments in mind before he created the world. He decided to create an intelligent species and see if they could follow his rules.

God is very strict about these commandments. Due to a misinterpretation in the Bible, many people believe that you can just accept the Lord into your heart and get away with your sins scot-free. That's actually not true. God sees that as cheating. You follow his commandments throughout your life, or you go to Hell. Unfortunately, when he created the humans, he accidentally gave them something called "human nature".

Human nature is the tendency to disobey the Ten Commandments. God found this out as eons passed. Very few people were making it to Heaven, while Hell was filled to the brim. But God is not one to admit when he is wrong. So he never changed his policy, and never will.

There is also another problem with Hell. This is the problem:

Parallel universes.

As I found out before I died, parallel universes exist. A parallel universe is an alternate reality that is created when any human makes a decision. This decision can be as minute as whether to blink or not. The minuteness of the decisions comes down to single atoms. Parallel universe can then split into new parallel universes, and so on. That means that the amount of parallel universes grows on an exponential scale. Over time, that has led to an unfathomable amount.

A parallel universe only differs from its original in that the person that created it makes the opposite decision. Ninety-nine percent of the time, parallel universes follow the exact same path that the original did. Only a few are notably different.

Every single human that ever existed since the beginning of time created parallel universes for every single decision they made. Every being that existed within an original universe also exists as a separate soul in a parallel universe. Both the original soul and all of its carbon copies go to Heaven or Hell, depending on the life they live. You should now see how this can quickly add up.

Most parallel universes were given the Ten Commandments about two-thousand years ago. Some others varied by a few years. Some lucky ones got them at the beginning of time. Some very unlucky ones still haven’t received them.

As I said the majority of souls go to Hell. That means that the majority of the souls from every parallel universe that ever existed end up in Satan’s realm. That is a lot of souls. Chances are there are trillions of copies of just one person. The chance of that person meeting one of those copies is slim to none. Shit, someone even meeting someone from their own parallel universe is unheard of.

So that is why Hell has a population problem, and Heaven is lonely.

If you don’t remember from before, Hell is an icy abyss. Not a sea of fire like the Bible says. This myth came about when some scribes from our parallel universe thought it would be funny to change the text of the Bible. They changed the description of Hell to an eternal pit of flame. They left everything else the same.

They reside here now.

When you first get here, you arrive in the Snow Room. You are naked. The Snow Room isn’t a room at all, but it is actually a mile long field covered in snow. This is the place where people find out that Hell is no fucking joke. You find this out because you have to count every flake of snow in the field.

Fortunately, the snow is rigged so it is indestructible. However, each person is assigned a soul to watch over them. You must start over if you lose count. If your assigned soul helps you cheat, Satan eats you both (This is the worst punishment, I’ll get to it later). There is no talking allowed. And trust me; there is a lot of snow. And it's cold. In order to escape, you must report the correct amount of flakes to the guard. If you give a wrong amount, you have to start over.

There is no good reason to go into detail about the Snow Room. Being naked and knee-deep in snow, I was miserable. The only important thing that happened was my development of three layers of frostbite. This made me immune to any freezing effects for the rest of my duration in Hell. Other than that, it was just me and some other souls counting snowflakes for a really long time, Since there is no talking allowed, there would be no dialogue to help move along the plot. Here is what it would look like if I went into detail:

"I dab a snowflake onto my finger. That's number 2,872. I dab another snowflake onto my finger. That's number 2,873. It's cold and I'm hungry. I dab another snowflake..."

You get the picture.

When I got done, I gave the multilingual guard my total. My shift in the Snow Room took about 1,500 years, starting over only seven times. This is considered above average. The all time record is a little under 975 years. Most get it done in around 2,500. What about the souls too young to count, or the uneducated souls from third-world countries, or the retarded ones even? They never get out.

That’s Hell for you. And that’s only the beginning.

If you liked this, go on to:
 My Stay in Hell Chapter 2  (13+)
Michael makes his way into the Hell community.
#1255198 by 627
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