Just a piece of the memoir that I am working on.
|It’s hard for me to belive that I am not a bad perspon. I have just pushed away the two people in my life that mean the most to me and I am unsure about how to handle this. I know that my problem with being honest mostly comes from my decisions but I know that it also has to do with my surroundings and the people that I live with. I have grown up with lies so it would only make sense that I tend to have a better hold on honesty when I am away from everything that is my past and then that it suddenly resurges when I move back to them and then go through a lot of stress.
I moved to Virginia to be with my love Mara and her daughter Kyla. Things were great for about 6 months and then things became a burden…I still had no steady job no car no lisence nothing and that would have been easily enough dealt with if I hadn’t lied about the bug spray or figured that it wouldn’t be a problem if I smoked 1 cigarette in the house 3 hours after everyone else had gone to bed. Then the problems became bigger and I needed to leave again. I moved back to my home town, Atlanta, and was fine. Mara and I had not broken up simply separated for a while to get my shit together. Then she broke up with me and things took another downward spiral. She didn’t talk to me for about 4 ½ weeks and then when she did I told her craploads of lies about having a job and being in a holdup and having a car at my fingertips and getting my license within the coming week and some stupid bullshit about $50,000 from some aunt that I’d never met before. I broke down on her in huge chunks over the period of a few days. First the inheritance then about all these other stories that had carried over from my last relationship then I had to tell her that my counselor was not real and that I had no job and that there was no car and I didn’t have my learner’s permit yet.
Could you understand why I call myself stupid? Do I remember the first time I lied? Yeah I must have been five or six and I figured that it would be a really great idea to shove everything under my bed and tell my mom that I had cleaned my room. That didn’t work out so well as per usual with 5 and 6 year olds that lie about little crap like that. I got a “talking to” and was told that lying was very, VERY bad. That makes me wonder if I do it just to feel different you know? Just to be deviant. Just to be the dangerous one. I never had any real experience with lies pushing people away from me so when all of this went down with me having to tell my girlfriend that so much of my life was a lie I managed to set myself up for a real shock. I should have known that someone who could always see through the lies anyways was not going to take well to this kind of bullshit. She hasn’t left me but it’s only been 3 hours and I fully expect her too. Fuck, I wouldn’t want to stick around with me if someone had tried to pull wool that thick over my eyes.