by Joe M
Pages of a diary
|My greatest fear is to disappoint her, hurt her, or lose her friendship.
I failed her recently. Leaving the airport, I asked to kiss her, she refused, I kissed her on the cheek against her wish. I still yearn to kiss her lips. I do not know if she was mad, shocked, or happy. I failed to acknowledge her wish.
Today she received horrific news. Her Mom is deathly ill. I overheard the telephone conversation, not the words but the stress and fear in her voice. I called to her, she appeared and she cried, I froze.
I thought, what would she want, how can I help her, do I hold her? My wish is to give back, in her form, what she gave me.
The dedication that I feel toward her stems from years of care that she gave without premise. She had no reason to reach out to me. She did it by instinct. I’ve met few people who sincerely give without any need for a return, no personal goal, no expectations.
Today, I struggle with trying to understand my journey to this point. I never planned this feeling but it is unbelievable. I constantly feel a drug addict’s high just thinking about her.
I never notice her when we first met. She faded easily in the background, quite, and obedient. Like snow flakes, her gifts, small, but sincere, piled up in my mind and eventually my heart. It was too late before I could stop myself from falling in love with her, the snow was too deep by the time I understood how she affected me.
I think that she likes me but she is not in love with me. I’m ok with that now, although it took me a long time to get here. I feel that no other woman could be so beautiful and so perfect.
My focus now is to accept and cherish the piece of companionship that she wants to share with me. I’ll need to take long pauses to suspend my feelings so I can try to understand her wishes and not confuse them with my selfish desires.
As I mentioned, this is extremely difficult. She unknowingly continues with her sweetness and caring, and as always I read these gifts as her showing affection to me. A couple of deep breaths allows me each time to reason out these feelings as one sided and again appreciate the gift that is presented as the last.
I will teach myself how to hide my love for her so this feeling lasts forever.