Michael meets with Satan.
|The tunnel was pitch black. It was a darkness that I had never experienced at any point in my lifetime. I don’t think it could be experienced anywhere on Earth, unless I had been buried alive. I’ll admit I felt a little spooked. The air was rushing in my face as I was sitting on a platform with nothing to hold onto. I couldn’t see a damn thing.
I tried to distract myself by thinking of a nice set of tits. I imagined a round pair of D’s on a gorgeous, tan brunette. My mind’s eye made its way down to her ass. Her butt was firm and round with some size to it. I then brought myself into the fantasy. I won’t detail what I imagined doing to her. My sexual tastes are a bit quirky. Not necessarily perverted, just weird. I’d rather not put myself out there like that.
The tour of my fantasy woman was interrupted by a change of speed. The air blowing in my face had become less intense. I suddenly heard the echo of many guards talking with their demonic accent.
I opened my eyes and saw a massive, icy cavern. It was bottomless and topless as far as I could tell, but it did have walls that I could see. It was very fucking long. It was illuminated by the mysterious blue fog again. Essentially, it was the River’s inverse.
The walls were covered in tunnel entrances like the one we came out of. I saw hundreds of other barges entering and exiting tunnels. Going this direction and that. Up and down. It looked like complete chaos. I was ready for two barges to collide and come crashing right into my face.
We had entered The Exchange. Like the capillaries of the bloodstream, or a traffic circle, The Exchange is the clusterfuck of Hell. It is an area where all the tunnels dump into, so that traveling from one place to another isn’t so time consuming.
We didn’t stay in The Exchange for long. Our barge made a sharp right turn upon entering. Before I knew it, we were in the blackness of another tunnel.
I went back to where I left off with the brunette. This tunnel was considerably longer than that last, so I was able to get a lot done with her.
I awoke to another smack in the face from a pike. That god damn hydrogen peroxide sensation was starting to get old.
We had arrived to wherever we were going. Uk and I got off the barge, and the guards led us through a door. I was tempted to make a run for it and jack the barge, but I ultimately decided not to for two reasons:
1. I had no idea how to pilot it.
2. Seriously, where would I go?
Beyond the door was another tunnel. At that point I wondered if Hell was nothing more than ice and tunnels. One guard led us from the front, and one stayed behind us. I looked at Uk, still on my right side. He stared forward with same blank stare from before. I could tell he knew where we were going, and from his look it didn’t seem good.
Uk’s look was right on. As soon as we got in, I saw a being sitting on a throne. That being could have been none other than Satan himself.
Here is how I was feeling:
2. Still hungry, but I was used to it at that point
“Hi, Michael.” He said. “I’m Satan.”
“Hi again, Uk.” Satan said. His voice has the same demonic tone of the guards times four. And I’m serious when I say times four. His voice sounds like four deep-voiced men talking simultaneously. It has a scratchy, dare I say demonic tone added in for extra measure.
“Hello Satan.” Uk said. I guess Uk wasn’t lying. He was on a first name basis with him.
Satan was about eight feet tall, with rough looking, dark red skin. He had the structure of a human, but bulkier and more ripped than any human could possibly be. He had a large set of horns on his head and bright orange eyes. When he breathed, fiery residue came out of his nose or mouth. He had a hole in the right side of his body, with a subtle white illumination resonating from it. If you looked closely, you could see miserable souls floating inside the illumination, trying to escape. God only knows how that hole got there.
No comedic misrepresentation here. Satan is a scary looking motherfucker. He runs Hell after all. He needs everything he can get to earn respect from so many souls.
“You weren’t originally supposed to be here, Uk.” Satan said. “But the guards noticed you with Michael, so they figured they’d bring you up so I could say hello.”
Satan does not have personal visitors very often. He has only had three prior to Uk and I. He brought Nero in to tell him that he thought the “fiddle thing" was a "nice touch". He requested Genghis Khan’s presence to get some tips on controlling the community. He also called in the pizza guy to see if there were any specials going on.
I’m sorry. That pizza guy joke was awful. I’d expect better from the 8th grade class clown runner up. I promise I’ll step up the level of my jokes.
“You on the other hand, Michael,” Satan said. “You are the one I brought here.”
“Why’s that, um, sir?” I asked. I glared straight at Satan, and let me tell you, it felt underwhelming. I had always imagined I would be overwhelmed with feelings of importance if I had ever stared down a monumentous figure like Satan. The whole situation felt pretty normal though.
“You single-handedly eradicated the planet.” Satan responded. “But you showed no signs of being a bad person before that. You lived a normal life. You never committed evil. And then you went and ended the world.”
He glared back at me as he was talking. I literally felt his bright orange eyes pierce my chest. It stung slightly, so I looked away.
“I get a lot of bad people here, Michael.” Satan said. “A lot of dictators, murderers, and exacticators.” (Note: Exactication did not exist in our parallel universe)
“At this point, Michael, I can pick them out by the way they stand.” Satan went on. “It takes a lot to be so inconsiderate of other intelligent life. It’s something that people are born with. Hitler, Stalin, all the people you know as truly evil, they show signs of their future from the day they enter the world. You didn’t show any, Michael. Sure, you weren’t a very nice guy. You were a pretty rude person. But you were born with that basic respect for human life. It wasn’t until the moment you punched that man that you became capable of ensuing Armageddon. I’ve never heard of anything like that before. So I’m just curious Michael, why’d you do it?”
“I was just in the right place at the right time.” I said. I tried to be minimalistic about it. I wanted to look like a hard-ass. I wanted to make an impression on him.
“You are not understanding, Michael.” Satan said. “Why did you do it?” He glared into my eyes. The burn came back. I knew he wasn’t pleased. He was trying to intimidate me out of my act.
“I’m just one man trying to make it in a cruel world.” I replied. I threw him another cliché line. Uk showed his first signs of life in a while by nudging me. I assumed he wanted me to straighten up my act too.
“You’ve got one more chance, Michael.” Satan said. He stood up for the first time, showing off his intimidating height. His orange eyes got brighter, likely signaling that he was mad. A soul tried to escape from the void in his right side. Without missing a beat, Satan crossed his left hand across his body and put a fist right in the soul’s jaw.
And then it came. Some very fine bullshit.
“I did it, because I wanted to come face to face with you.” I said. “I wanted to see what Satan looked like.”
“I don’t believe you.” Satan said condescendingly.
“I didn’t think you would.” I told him. “It sounds like bullshit. If I was going to lie to you, I’d say something that I think you’d buy. But I don’t want to lie to you. I know you can see through all that. I know you are only toying with me.”
“The God that I learned about,” I went on. “that’s not a God that I want to know. He’s wishy-washy. But you, you are someone who knows what you want. You can get the job done. That’s why I’d rather be down here, sir.”
There was a moment of silence.
“I’m flattered, Michael.” Satan said. He smiled for the first time and showed a set of pearly whites.
“I won’t go on about my counterpart in Heaven,” Satan said. “because you seem to know all about his ways. I’ll just let you know that you chose well. But unfortunately, I don’t have more time. I have an exorcism to resist in twenty minutes, so I’ve got to go ready for that.”
“Good luck with that, sir.” I told him.
“Thanks for coming guys.” He told Uk and I. “I’ll be seeing you soon.”
And like that we were ushered out of the room, back onto the barge with the guards. But I wasn’t concerned with where I was to be heading. I was high off of an incredible accomplishment.
I had bullshitted Satan.